Yesterday I was at a cafe with two of my friends and a friend's friend.
We spoke about many things, philosophical and psychological.
The last discussion we had was on the existence of love and the longevity in relationships. We had to leave the discussion incomplete as I had to leave.
He (friend's friend) said love is a temporary phenomenon. I agreed then.
Then he said it does not exist. That reminded me of my younger self, who too believed the same.
I feel he has a set definition for love. So maybe as per his definition, love is a temporary thing. He said people change, and you might not respond to the change in your partner too favorably and eventually will fall out of love.
He said you love certain qualities in a person so when the qualities fade away, there is nothing left to that person. What will you love then? Because the person you loved does not exist anymore.
He so reminded me of myself. I was of the same belief system.
Have I changed? Yes.
Because I fell in love? No.
I have broadened my perception about love and change.
Change is inevitable.
I figured, there are two faces of change. There could be more. As of now I have discovered just two, in this context.
Okay so, the first is evolution and the second is death.
Say, there's a virtue in my partner that I thoroughly admire and adore.
With time, that virtue, say, evolves. Grows in intensity. I might be able to respond to this change positively. As the virtue still exists in him. Efforts will be required to deal with the increased intensity, but I will still do it because his basic quality remains constant.
Now say, his virtue that made me fall in 'love' with him has died in the course time. It has ceased to exist. What now? I don't think I will be able to love him. If I do, it will take a lot of hard work and coercing myself.
I believe, as of now, that it is the responsibility of a person in a relationship to be open to changes their partner undergoes, willingly or reluctantly. Along with being determined to not lose the quality that swept their beloved off their feet. You have to keep trying. You have to choose evolution over death. If you can't, then you better not expect your partner to 'fathom' you and 'adapt' to the new you.
It's a dual responsibility.
Yes, love is not easy. Not in the long run. The temporary nature pertains to the effortlessness that people believe should exist in love. But the truth is no relationship is effortless. Not even the one you have with yourself. Love is hard. Loving yourself is hard. Loving the same person all your life is hard.
I don't know if it makes you a great person if you dedicate all your love to a single soul, but it certainly makes you a good student of life because you learn toilsome and sapping lessons that nothing else, no one else can teach. And I would like to believe that each of these lessons will make you a better person along with making you fall in love with yourself and your partner more deeply.
He also said, loving someone is not like loving yourself. Because you don't have an option to not love yourself, to not accept the ever-changing mind of yours, Well okay, you do have an option but then life will be like hell.
I say yes, it is not like loving yourself. It is much more than that. It makes you much more than what you are or can be.
P.S.: I still don't know what love is and how to define it. Perhaps, it is undefinable. To me.
