I am scared.

You might think that fear is the only emotion I feel these days. Perhaps. But this one is different.

She may be going away forever. I may not be able to see her anymore. Not that I did too often, but now it won't be even for that one time in months.

They say she has a fat chance. I hope not.

I can see a younger her and a younger me. I can see her hugging me and kissing me. I can see her teasing me. I can see me being angry about it. I can see her saying sorry. I can see us smiling together. I can see her hugging me and kissing me. It's a blur. Yet I can see through it. The haze is clearing up now. I am able to see more lucidly.

I am scared. 

Me, are you listening?

That copywriter chick - 5

It has been a month since I did any advertising writing.
I have been going to office and doing what is needed there, but the work is barely challenging and scarcely creative.
Also, travel writing has been eating up all my time but I'm happily doing it.

I feel I am being unjust towards the copywriter within me, she is being deprived of doing what she loves to do.

I need to strike a balance between travel writing and copywriting as only by pursuing both can I be happy and satisfied. I know myself, I will get bored by doing just one thing for a living. Variety is something that a person like me cannot survive without. And perhaps that's why I chose to be a writer. It gives me the liberty to do different things, to learn different things,  to create different things, to be a different person each time.

I fear completely losing the balance sometimes.
I also doubt if I really want this - copywriting - sometimes.
The doubt scares me. I wonder if it stems out of the frustration and fear of failing or is it my subconscious mind giving me a message.
I like to believe the former. I love copywriting. I really do and I want to learn it well. I don't like me being uncertain about it, not even sometimes.

Anyway,
The AC at my workplace broke. Due to excessive heat, thin hair on our skin had burnt and the skin was about to melt, just then an office boy got a pedestal fan and placed at the centre of our crammed studio. The fairly cool air that it heaved felt like such a luxury.
Oftentimes, we forget to appreciate the luxuries that we relish on a daily basis, such breakdowns are small reminders of their undervalued existence.

Today's playlist:
Shedding skin - Karsh Kale
Khwabon ke parindey - ZNMD
Young and beautiful - Lana Del Rey
Born to die - Lana Del Rey
Kinare - Mohan Kanan
I can't make you love me - Ester Dean

I will...
Because I dream so much.

Going Away.

I can’t wait to cease to exist. I can’t wait to go missing. I can’t wait to lose all connections. I can’t wait to go away.

It’s an exaggeration, of course. I am going on a 15-day adventure trip. There is no cell phone network in that area. So I cannot be contacted neither can I get in touch with people.

Every now and then we all need such breaks. They suck all the negative energies that we keep accumulating incessantly.

‘Kal ke andheron se nikal ke, dekha hai aankhein malte malte…

Ful hi ful zindagi kahan hai. Tey kar liyaaa,
Aaj fir jeene ki tamana hai, aaj fir marne ka irada hai.’

How many times have you wished you were dead?

No, not because life is being too harsh on you, but just for fun or for no reason or perhaps out of anger on a loved one.

My train of thought on ‘going away’ got me thinking on this topic.

I have had a few friends who had at some point mentioned that they wonder what it would be like when they are dead. They were keen to know how their family and friends will cope with it. I deciphered that there was a sense of sadism attached to this thought of theirs. It pleased them to imagine their loved ones craving for them. To be honest, I, too, have thought about it, and yes, I did gain some delight out of it.

It's okay, everyone likes to think in this manner, at least once or twice, because we are a self-centered species. We love it when people love us and want us. We simply love the attention, doesn’t matter if we are dead or alive.

In contrast to the above, can I say that it is our fear of losing that love, respect and want, or the feeling that we are not getting enough? It is not pleasure, but remedy for the pain that stems of out of our anxiety and insecurities.
Think about it.
  

Parity. Disparity.

I just read a blog, which said, play with blaze of fire. If you burn yourself, it will heal. If you keep yourself from it, it won't leave.

And I couldn't agree more. I believe, making my own mistakes is better than sitting back without taking risks, contemplating what it would have been like if I followed my heart.

I never used to listen to myself. I only did what they said I should be doing. One day I heard a faint voice. It did not sound happy. It was not authoritative either. It sounded feeble but hopeful. I did what the voice said. It made them angry, but it liberated me. I was nonplussed. How could something that disappointed them, pleased me?
That faint voice was my heart.

All of us are different, what you want and what they want may not always coincide. This doesn't mean, you are wrong or they are right. Who decides right or wrong anyway? Everyone has their own perspective and postulations in life. Marjority lying in a particular direction doesn't make it the right one.

Today morning, while commuting I was reading The Oath of The Vayuputras, and I read a statement that is fastened in my head. Shiva, the lead character, says, 'There is your truth and there is my truth. As for the universal truth, it does not exist."

I don't know if the universal truth exists or not. What I do know is neither you nor me are blessed with the divine wisdom of knowing about its existence. All we can do is presuppose its reality, and that is what we do.

Anyway so,
I found a similarity in that page of the book, the words of that blog (one I mentioned at first) and my dogma. There is a parity in how the author, the blogger and I think. This reaffirms my another belief that all humans, no matter how different, are the same. We are all one.


Today's playlist:
Bittersweer - Ellie Goulding
Dil Cheez kya hai - Karsh Kale featuring Monali Thakur 
Chal Diyay - Zeb & Hania 
The monster - Eminem featuring Rihanna
I am what I am - Above & Beyond vs Pres Oceanlab 
Tornado - Tiesto vs Steve Aoki 
The other side - Bruno Mars (Cee-Lo) [My favorite of the lot] 

I feel sad. 

To be continued...

A couple of times before this, I had clicked on 'New Post' but closed the tab without saving the draft. Because I'd been dumping all my frustration in here, this blog was emitting extremely negative vibes and I couldn't write. So I decided to terminate the negativity by writing something which is not negative.
...............
I could not torment myself anymore. I wanted to heal. And so I became the assassin of my own ego. I got rid of the grudge. Now... I am healing.

Life puts you to test in many different ways. Coping with them is already arduous, why do you want to further burden yourself by holding a grudge?

I always knew I could avoid this and live a happier life, but it took me two years to gather the courage to end my suffering.

I am a slave to my own demons and am fighting for my freedom. I have defeated a couple of them by forgiving and forgetting some things. But I know this war is not going to end soon.

Judge Me.

Accepting criticism is so difficult for us humans. We cannot stand the idea of someone judging us, let alone them giving us advises on improving our ways.

So what is it?

Is it our ego that refuses to accept that we can be wrong or there is someone who knows better than us? 

Or is it the insecurity of not being good enough and inability to accept the same? 

May be it's a mix of both. 

Whatever it is, success cannot come without acceptance of our flaws. And we cannot point out our own flaws, it is the job of an onlooker. Only after knowing and welcoming the critiques can we grow personally and professionally. Therefore it is better to deal with them with an open and positive mind.  

  

See bad. See good.

Despite of knowing why, I sometimes wonder why do we give the right of hurting us immensely to the people who keep hurting us all the time, knowingly and unknowingly.
Sigh...
I wish I never knew you. I wish we never had the good moments. I wish to lose the memory of you, of us. I wish to hate you so much that it finally stops hurting. I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Taking this as a lesson, I now value my loved ones even more, those who don't hurt me, at least not knowingly.

The Protective One
She takes me as her younger sister. She likes to see me happy. She has been my backbone all through, supported me in ways I fail to describe. She says she gets insecure about me sometimes. What she doesn't know is that I am as insecure about her. This insecurity, this feeling of losing possession over the other is nothing but love, as pure as a baby's heart. I desire to be her priority over others. Yes, I am that selfish because I love and respect her enough to demand so.

The Loving One
She swiftly entered my heart from no where. Her heart beats for her loved ones and she showers all her care and warmth on them. She inspires me to be a better person everyday. She loves me selflessly and I have grown to love her as much. She has restored my lost trust. She gives me peace. We belong to each other.

My two pillars because of whom I manage to deal with bad times and feel like celebrating good times. Their actions, both good and bad, affect me the most. Therefore, I made a vow to myself, to nurture these two relationships for life and to never take them for granted.