Listening to MTV unplugged - Arijit Singh

When someone surpasses your expectation. When their love and support goes beyond what you had anticipated. You are left speechless.
At one moment you feel overwhelmed, happy. At another, you feel they are just too good. So good that it makes you feel like a bad person, that it makes you hate yourself more.
The feeling that you don't deserve people like them in your life starts tormenting you.

Bothered.

Yesterday, I tore a page from my notepad and wrote some very personal things on it with the intention of taking it home and sticking it in my personal diary.
I made the silliest mistake of forgetting that piece of paper in my office and a colleague read it.
I feel naked.
These were the thoughts that I never wanted anyone to know and now a stranger is in knowledge of it. I feel awful. My innermost feelings are known to a person whose existence barely matters to me.
I should have been careful.
Sigh...
We are so scared of showing our true self, of having no secret thoughts, of everyone knowing what we are really feeling. Maybe it is the judgements that we are scared of. More than the opinions of others, we are unable to deal with the opinions we have for ourselves.
Can we ever be free from these opinions?

And...
Times when you feel you are losing connection with the ones who mean a lot to you. And when they don't really bother to make you feel wanted and loved. Because they are unaware of your foolish thoughts.
When you are so full of insecurities that it makes you feel abandoned. It is not true and you know it, but you still want them come shower you with love and show that you are important.
This never happens though. Eventually, you move on from this feeling. No one comes to your rescue.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

PS: If nothing, you always have music. :)

I abuse.

It is not leaving my mind.
The thought that a man cannot accept his woman using cuss words!

Why?
Why is it so difficult?

When we (the female fraternity) can accept most of your flaws - your swearing, your uncleanliness, your phobia for commitment, etc. - why can't you accept the same?

I need to calm down.

Okay so,
The society has fed you that girls are coy, polite and docile. So I cannot really blame you for thinking so. But should I also not expect you to broaden your horizons of thinking? Can I not expect you to lose the orthodox school of thought? Is it so difficult to have an open mind? Does unconventionality scare you? Are you so feeble that anything that does not conform to the norms of the 'society' is unacceptable for you? Are you not strong enough to take it? Or are you afraid of the equality in speech?

Whatever it is... It's your problem, not mine. Loathe me! I don't give a fuck! I abuse!

Times when you feel you are not passionate enough about your passion.

And, when you are not happy with the fact that someone, who is not all that important in your life, manages to be the master of your moods! 

Aaarrgghh... I hate this! 

Capricorn. Really?

There are too many things I'm not satisfied with currently.
Yes, we are never satisfied and eventually it is your way of looking at things.
Perhaps I'm taking life at large very negatively but that's how the situation is right now. I can't really help it, and I'm allowed to be mad at certain people and certain things; I have allowed myself, to be precise.

*Sigh*

Nothing and no person can help me here... I don't need any help anyway. I've always been self-sufficient in such situations.
I've lost count of the number of times I get this kind of feeling or I get stuck in such situations. Though this one is not as bad.

Anyway, moving on... (I have too)
Today, for an hour we did not have any work in office, so I was googling about zodiac signs. Capricorn especially, since that's me. I don't really believe in it, the horoscope, but whatever gives me hope for positive things to come always makes me feel good.
This is not the first time I've read about my sun sign, and I've always felt that I'm not a typical Capricornian. There are many prominent traits of Capricornains, which I lack. Not that it makes any difference; it's just an observation. On the other hand, there are certain characteristics of Capricornians that totally define me.
Perhaps, that's how it is for everyone, when it comes to zodiac.
But, I don't feel like a Capricornian, however silly it may sound.

Trying to see the brighter side

Sometimes the glass seems half empty and sometimes it seems half full.
It's not the attitude you have invariably, it is the attitude you choose to have for different situations.

Vibes- I so believe in them

It's been three years that I've been into writing but somehow I still hesitate calling myself a writer

Somethings in life have to be bad, they just can't change because that's how Mr God wants it to be.

Too many things going on in my mind, regarding people around me. I wish I could set my anger free...

One should ALWAYS try to see the brighter side. That's what I've always believed and followed. Yes cribbing is allowed to a certain extent as that is normal I believe. But, I do look at the brighter side of life. :)

Also,
When you are single, you expect more from your "friends" and somehow even if they do as much as they can, its just never enough. That's why you should always have some other single friends around. And this is not just me, its an observation and was also a topic of discussion between me and a single friend. ;)

Expectation is a funny word.
But never forget to question yourself whether you are able to meet their expectations, before accusing them.

It was one of those black days today, when life seemed unfair and all the dirt from the past made my eyes burn.

There are times when you feel like what do they care about whatever you go through in life and then you realize that even if they do, it doesn't really matter. 

What's New?

When you meet new people, you connect real good with some of them while you don't click with the rest.
New people come in life with a new set of expectations. I'm not talking about what they would be expecting from you, I'm speaking of the expectations you will build up in your mind.
Its very important to know how to detach yourself from certain people, things, situations. To lead a happy life one has to learn how to detach.

Living in the moment.

Everything fades away - Poets of Fall 

Suddenly life has started running at a jet speed, it feels as though I'm losing some of the very important things. in the meanwhile. I hope its only a feeling and not actual.

Yesterday while I was returning home in a BEST bus, a lady was being troubled by a lecherous creep. I was sitting on the seat ahead of her so I couldn't see what was happening. Suddenly this guy standing near my seat started abusing that creep very badly. It broke my sleep and I had no clue what was happening, then of course I came to know when others also yelled and abused the creep and threw him out of the bus. What was appalling, the lady never uttered a word, she was simply sitting there and letting this asshole touch herself! If women keep taking it all, staying mum in fear, they are not worth any sympathy. Sexual harassment will keep on happening. When you don't speak up, it leads to consent because silence can be interpreted in any way. And, not always, will there be someone who will fight for you!

  

Exam postponed!

My last exam which was supposed to be tomorrow got postponed due to Balasaheb's demise. I don't know how I feel or how I should feel, whether I should be sad about it or relieved that I've some more time to study.
I don't know the date when the exam will be held next, that's not out yet.
Restless.

When you cannot do anything about the way things are turning out or perhaps you should've but you refrained from doing the same... anger is the only emotion you feel the most. You know the source of your exasperation but you don't know how to kill it. It just keeps augmenting all the time. I guess, the only way it can stop impacting you is when you get completely used to it; you should get so accustomed to it that the anger shouldn't matter anymore. But if you are someone who expresses anger then God help you!

One more night by Maroon 5- awesomeness!

So much for gender equality!!

If you are a girl and you smoke... you are a slut!!
If you are guy and you smoke... you are either hot or no one cares!!

I feel sorry for all the female smokers who have to be undercover when taking a fag!! 

Yes, India is a free country and democratic too but the society is still living in the past!!

Whether to smoke/drink or not is a personal choice!! I don't think anyone should form inferences on this basis!

Well, perhaps I can say this because I've had and still have plenty smokers and drinkers in my family... But still, you cannot address someone with contempt just because they drink or smoke!!

The sad thing is... it's not only the middle-aged or oldies who have this sick mentality... it's our own generation too!

You hate smoking or drinking because of health issues- Acceptable! 
But, you bitch and talk ill about a girl just because SHE practices it- You are sick jerk!!

Today, a friend (who smokes) had a bad experience and she shared it with me and somehow, I wasn't amazed at all at the backwardness and single-mindedness that still exists in OUR society!! 

I am so sick of this cheap male chauvinist society! And, MEN... someone should tell them that they not GODS!! 

:-/

P.S.: This was not unnecessary ranting! But, it is a manifestation of the persisting sexual bias in the Indian society!  

Complaint box

I need to get certain things off my mind in order to get back in-order!!

Note: These are things that are so petty that I do not feel like putting them in my diary and so this is the best possible way to get rid of all the aimless pondering and ANGER.

1. Enough with the drama!! Just leave me alone, will you?! I too feel bad even if I don't show it!!
2. When you talk bad... it still hurts... sometimes... Because there are certain things that one can never get accustomed to COMPLETELY, no matter how hard one tries... 
3. Boys are not the only topic that we girls can talk about! So please for heaven's sake, STOP!!
4. And, just because my friends are all dating doesn't mean I HAVE to see someone too!! I ACTUALLY am very happy being single and I do not understand why is it soooooo hard to gulp that in?!
5. To myself - Speed up!! FAST!!! Be assiduous and sedulous! 
6. To Mr. God - Help me to help me! *begging*
7. Beauty is not perfection! Some people need to comprehend that being good-looking does not mean you are above everyone else or average lookers do not deserve better than you!!
8. Being candid about your thoughts and opinions may seem to be a great thing when you are practicing it but when others practice it and start throwing their unwanted and unnecessary opinions on you... you'll know how "great" it really is!!
9. You are funny- HAHA!! Now shooo!
10. If you don't find me interesting then don't talk to me... it's just that simple! I really wouldn't mind even if you are a good friend!!
11. And... I've always believed that you need a break from every person in your life at some point of time, no matter how important or special that person is!! I do this... a lot.. I need my space.. now, is that soo bad?!
12. Yes, I can be a super bitch, at times... Deal with it or leave!!
13. I knew I had to face it... I was prepared...

And yet, I survived all of it, thanks to:

1. Mr. God
2. My stupid little brother [I love you!]
3. Music (Of course, duhh!!)
4. Food (Always!)
5. Finally realizing I was being stupid by even letting myself get bothered for the last 3 hours, for these silly thoughts!

*gasp*
*sigh*

P.S.: No comments or views or opinions will be welcomed here (unless they are expressly in my favor)!!

I'm just so sad...

I'm just so sad...

Why don't I get to do what I want to?
Why? Why?

Again,
even this is my fault!

Sometimes I feel it's better to be immature and self-centered, at least then you won't think about how the other person would be feeling and why they choose to behave like this and that they are completely wrong, whatever be the circumstances!!
I just somehow, in my head, figure out a way to not blame the other person for whatever he/she has done and then end up being angry at myself!

Aaarrrghh... I just can't concentrate on studies with all this running around me!!
*sigh*
Bah... I'll figure out a way (hopefully). After all, how many excuses am I gonna make?!

Anyway,
the truth is, if I would've done the right things at the right time, MAYBE none of this would be happening right now!

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

In the hole...

I am so annoyed at the moment!
No, I don't have a reason or maybe I do but it's not good enough!

It just vexes me that I can't be there! Ugh... this sucks. Big time.

And, people may blabber that they are here to support you... but truly that's just another statement!
You have to support yourself and that's only fair!!

Aarghh!!

You know, sometimes you just want certain people to understand that they are needed during certain times without having to say it to them explicitly, you want them to be with you or at least call you for that matter...  And it just perturbs you even more when they don't get it, when they fail to be there with you during those certain times...
But
None of them have been blessed with any kinda super powers that they would just come to know about your state of mind!
Moreover, there are good odds that they might be having a bad day themself and would be waiting for you to come and soothe them...
You know, you should never ignore the other side of the coin, not even in your worst days!

'The sweet escape' by Gwen Stefani, is what I'm listening to right now...
It reminds me of my sweet junior college days, when I didn't have a Smartphone (which means no music) and I used to be glued on to VH1 all day and this song used to be played on every hour! The first time I heard it, I hated it but then after watching it on TV so many times I ended up falling in love with it... it's still one of my best 'pep-up' songs!

I truly believe by going through a person's playlist, you can pretty much figure them out because music is the best way to express yourself (even listening to music is)...
But again, sometimes you hear some songs just for fun and not for what they mean... and that's why I conspicuously mentioned 'pretty much'.

It makes me so sad that I couldn't save me from falling again...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Work-in-process

When you are being the bad guy, yelling and arguing while that little voice inside you is constantly asking you to shut up... but you just pretend as if you didn't hear it and continue being wrong, talking ill, which eventually results in a huge lump of guilt in your throat....

Anger is never good... Admitting is easy but eliminating it is certainly not!

Sometimes it just feels as though I am living a perfect life in an imperfect and erroneous manner.
It was easier when I was a teen, I used to blame God for anything wrong that happened with me, with my life...
But, as I grew up, I realized, He is not to blame, it's me... for this is not my life, this is a gift He's given to me, I'm the one who's not able to figure out how to deal with the gift... I cannot hold him culpable for anything as He's only responsible for the good things that have happened to me while me and my karma are responsible for all the bad things...
So since a few years, I actually have no one to pass on the blame... perhaps that's the source of all the anger generating within... but for how long??
Maybe, just as time taught me not to blame Him, it will also teach me to deal with all the anger...

I trust in You and no one can change that Mr God! :)
I may not be regularly visiting Your shrine... but I just don't need to because I know you are here... all the time; looking out for me! :*

And last but not the least,
Happy Independence day!
Yes, we still are a developing country, we still are struggling with immense poverty and corruption, we haven't bagged a gold in Olympics since last 3 decades... BUT there is something that has changed we are not as inert as we used to be towards the ills of the society, we are trying to search the answers, we have started pointing towards the wrong even if the wrong is someone sitting on the throne, we did bag 2 silver and 4 bronze medals and stood 55th out of the 83 participant countries and we are one of the fastest growing economies on this globe...
Desh badal raha hain....
I hope our great freedom- fighters up there would be happy to see that we are still fighting, fighting to be the best...

Standing at the brink...

Why is it so difficult to excel in anything?
Is there anything that I'm good at?!

I never pictured things to turn out like this, I never thought of me to become what I have become...

I need to invoke the power in me, only then things can work and life can start trudging, at least.

Will my quest ever reach its destination??
Because I am fed up now... I've never felt that before...

I am standing at the brink, there is no more farther to go. One more step ahead will land me in the deepest and the darkest chasm therefore I need to stop and tread backwards... but I still won't halt.. Why?

Inexplicably awful feelings...
I desperately need to outgrow all of this...

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Sick, physically and mentally.

I feel so messed up at the moment for no freakin reason!
Feeling queasy, insane sneezing, wild running nose... :(

Mood swings!
Sometimes you want your friends to bear with you, be nice to you even when you act like a total bitch, understand you without you asking them to do so...
Results tomorrow, my tummy is churning badly! There's just too much pressure being imposed on me currently...
Mr God, I truly trust on you, I know whether negative or positive, You'll always be in my favor! ;)

What is it with people?! Every time before results they call and ask you if you are tensed about the forthcoming results? Duhh isn't it obvious... I mean, who is not anxious about the results, yes the level of anxiousness does vary. 

Especially when you are already behind time and the circumstances need you to be in action immediately, such stupid and unwanted concern gets too exasperating!   

Movies and books are the saving grace, I tell you..

People should be obsessed with the memories embedded in the photos and not with how they look in them. It's okay to make your portfolio, go ahead click a million beautiful snaps of yourself but those pictures which hold good memories should be appreciated even if you like a piece of shit in them!
I too whine about my bad pictures that my friends click but I don't argue or beg them to delete it!
Dude, world is full of farcical humans!!
And, the raining never ends... :/
In love with Relief by coastal cities. :)
'Shaitan', the movie, the music - AWESOMENESS.

Ugh

Instrumentals-I love!
Listening to fatal attraction.

Deadline tomorrow- everything's pending!
Why? Why the hell do I HAVE to procrastinate every bloody thing!

Awful Mood- Various Reasons.

Met some old friends today... Friends, really??
To be true, they were more of a boring set of strangers.
Not going would've been a better option if I was given that alternative!

Spent a lot this week- Guilty!
Also ate a lot- Guilty again!

Have been hiding... myself, things, habits...

Losing the grip totally!

I have been truly and totally spaced out!

Fucked up! :S 

Nothing's sacred anymore.... It never was...

When someone you respected truly, breaks your myth...
Something very shocking and disgusting happened yesterday, something that I never in my deadliest nightmare could have imagined...
It is strange how you can never know what goes on, on the inside of a person...

...........
Men are only men, not brothers not fathers but only men!  No relation, no love, no values, no ethics, nothing in this world is greater than the cravings of their testosterone...

Sad...

I get it why the figures show that 90% of rapes take place within the family...
It is so easy for them to cross the frontier of values...

Disgustingly morbid!

Totally shaken-up...

In one of my previous post I'd written, 'I don't get why guys love to assume that every girl who tries to interact with them is interested in them!!!' -that time it never struck me that this also applies to the male members in your family but now it is pretty much clear!

Mr God please save the planet from such parasites... they are eating up the humanity and the global cultural values... Do something!

My POV!

Was watching 'Mere yaar ki shaadi hai' on Max yesterday, at this time.
I guess I was in 8th grade when the movie came out and since then each time it's been on TV and I've had the knowledge of it, I've seen it. In short, I love the movie!


YashRaj Movies are always worth watching... even if the script sucks, the locations and the cinematography wins you over!


Anyway so,
'Ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nai ho sakte...' , a discussion that goes on between Riya and Sanjay in the very start of the movie.
Hmmm... I guess everyone would've had this discussion with a friend, at least once.
As much as I hate to admit, the statement is not completely false!
Why?
I don't know... May be because everyone is so keen on looking for love every where that they even start considering their best friends.
Perhaps I'm wrong but it's just a personal observation.
Actually, it's the movies that are more culpable here, I mean for eg.,
'Made of honor', 'Ek main aur ek tu', 'Sky high', 'My best friend's wedding', 'Some kind of wonderful', etc etc etc.
All of them promote the subject of best friends falling in love. 
Okay so, is it a thumb rule that if you have a best friend from the opposite sex (and otherwise in case of homosexuals) and that friend understands you well, you are in frequent touch with that friend and you like the company... you have to date that friend?!
All of this is too subjective and situational. 
Actually, the society since the very beginning has always accepted a boy either as a brother or as a husband to a girl. Though the people have become open-minded about the 'friendship' aspect between a boy and a girl, with time but still some remnants of ancient orthodoxical and narrow-minded beliefs haven't vacated the human minds yet!


And, the struggle is still on...

Listening to Lost by Coldplay... Love it!

Basshunter- First time I heard the song was few days before the Taj-terror attack and each time I listen to the song, those visuals of terrorists firing at CST, Grenade explosions from the hotel windows and the blood shed, start running in my head and I get the cold-creeps! I can never forget those 3 terror-filled days, that attack had a huge impact on all the Mumbaikars, I guess... I vividly remember everything that happened in those 3 days. Still get tears in my eyes reminiscing that time. 
And, that Goddamn Kasab is still breathing the Indian air!! I mean, I respect the Indian law and order and also the fact that everyone is given an opportunity to be heard and defend themselves here but for heaven's sake, we know he is the culprit, he had ghastly and malicious intentions and also had killed many innocent lives so why the wait?!
Then I think, perhaps this serves him better... let him plead for his life, let him live in the fear of death, let him be all restless and anxious as to what and when will the court decide for him and then finally after all the mental torture, he should be sentenced to death! 
All in all, I want him dead, sooner or later!! 

The subject of matter

When in a sticky situation...at first, you fret about the fact that no one understands you and when someone actually understands... what happens next? What happens after getting an "I understand" from someone? Is the problem solved?
No, it isn't! You are still there. In the same place where you were before that person or anyone fathomed you. So how does it matter?! Really?
'No one understands me'... A statement that's void ab initio. Because, why should someone or anyone understand you, when their comprehension is actually worth a diddly and if it's not at all conducive to the situation! Rather than concentrating on making things better, we brood about no one grasping us!
But still.. we are humans (and I am no different)... we love to feel that no one understands us... so be it!


I've always done what I've wanted to do, be it right or wrong! I've always followed my heart (well, 98% of the times)... But when the heart is misleading you to do something that it knows is not good for you, in any possible way... the pleasure won't be worth the pain, at all... then it's advisable not to follow it! Certain times it is necessary to follow your brain! Because you have got to be rational, logical and practical, to understand the gravity of the situation! Life really has been a party (since quite sometime now)... but just like every other party, this one also has to be ended! Fun cannot be the only essence of life! I need to put a break to the 'My way or the highway' thing that I've been practicing!!

In both the above paragraphs... All that matters is the knowledge and acumen of the subject of matter in those situations!

Never back down is a nice movie. I quite liked it!
Stronger by Kelly Clarkson- Awesome!

Less than 2months left for the exams! I should be studying now! Mr God... Please, the 3D's... deliver them to me ASAP!!