Confessions of an ego-bound human

I have a problem with a lot of people around me.
If I see someone being greedy, I feel enraged. 
If I see someone talking behind another person's back, I feel disgusted.
If I see someone being violent, I find it unacceptable.
If I see someone bragging about themselves, I consider them repulsive.
If I see someone being mean to another person, I loathe them.
If I see someone talking about certain obvious things as if they were imparting words of wisdom, I find it derogatory.
If I see someone trying to prove me wrong (whether I am or not), I take offence.
If I see someone trying to gossip and create a controversy, I think they are absolutely incorrigible.

However, all these flaws I constantly see in those around me... are mine. In different ways, in different forms. But I have them.

I have done it all. I still do it. More often than not I don't realise while I am doing it because I am so full of myself. My ego does not let me come out of myself and see me as another. If I could do that, I would change a lot of things that I do or think.

As I continue to age, I see more and more aspects of mine that need improvement. I also see myself working on them.

The problem is not them, it is me.
I can't change them, I should not either.
I should change me, I can be better than this.

Litterings

Just because you do a certain set of things for someone doesn't entitle you to be a receiver of similar favours from them.

Doing is a choice.
Expecting is a choice.
Accepting is a choice.
But being offered is not a choice. At least not for you. It is a choice that belongs to the person offering it.

Love. Everyone has their own version. Even two people who are in love with each other have different definitions.
For one love could be "I love you!" While for the other it could simply be "Why did you miss your breakfast?"
Sometimes the difference might cause slight friction. But most of the times, the existence of love is enough. Methods employed in pursuing, matter not much.

Meanwhile...
I am in a queue. Waiting to withdraw cash from an ATM booth.
Change. Everyone wants it. Not many wish to contribute for it.

When at home people are praising this step taken by the GOI of banning 500 &1000 Rs notes as it will subject to a lot of undisclosed income becoming accountable. But when in a queue to withdraw cash or deposit it, they curse the government for harassing the "Aam Aadmi".

It's a conundrum for me, perhaps the big players in this game of black money have successfully managed to hide their income still or were already aware of the upcoming declaration and made arrangements for the same. Or may be not.
But at least the small players will be caught.

I have a hard time trusting any of the politicians. Or the Government. However I have hopes. That there must be some good Samaritans working amidst them.

Dots

The sky... what if someday it pulls me towards itself with a strong magnetic force. Opens its infinite arms and embraces me, engulfs me. I disappear. Completely. Within a moment.

Will it make them wonder?
Will it worry them?
Will it sadden them?

Yes. It will. But time will do its job and heal them all.

What will happen to me?
I will be lost.
May be in dark blankness
May be in bright emptiness.
No existence perhaps.
Period.
The end.
Silence. Forever.

No, I am not suicidal.
Just caught in a reverie.

...........

Your body is a temple. Treat it well.
Your indulgent mind is a monster. Tame it well.

...........

People come, people go.
You change. They change.
That's the law of the universe.

Every present has a past... and a future.
Past is a memory. Future is an illusion.
Present is what we have access to.
We can feel now. Only now.

............

A breath of fresh air.
A lingering hope.
A smile taking birth.
A piece of puzzle fitting in, perfectly.
An inspiration. A reason. A god.

...........

Do incomplete thoughts classify as thoughts?
Ummm... I think incomplete thoughts refrain you from looking deeper into yourself.
They are like.... ....................................... .......................................

The boon.

Introspection is good. One should do it seldom if not often. You need to evaluate the person you have been, the person you are and the person you are becoming. It helps you in being a good human. On the flip side, overdoing it might lead to negative thoughts.

There are days when you are not pleased with who you are. When people point out your flaws. You might defend yourself in front of them. But deep inside your heart, you know you are to blame.

Sigh...

Life is as complicated as you make it. True, isn't it? Half the troubles of life are created by us. We are all delusional people. We think a lot. Demons are mostly inside, and rarely out.
But, so is peace.
Buddha had said, 'Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.'

Everything is a choice. Every moment is a decision. Whether to inhale the next dose of oxygen or not is a decision.
There are days when you feel exasperated and tired of making decisions, and you wish you don't have to make them anymore. But even wishing so is a decision you took.
We cannot get rid of them. And trust me, it's not a curse, but a boon.

Imagine if one day someone steals all the power of decision making away from us...
There will not be any life.

We humans know it best how to misuse our boon, and call it a curse in order to escape from reality. To escape from the person you have been, the person you are and the person you are becoming.

More? Yes, please.

Just moments after saying some mean, illogical, nonsensical and overly dramatic words, you realise you were being all that, and you wish you could go back in time and stop your foolish self from uttering those words.
But it's too late.
If it is someone who loves you, knows you... they will either understand or will not take it too seriously.
This doesn't mean you can be unapologetic about it though. :P

Drama. What would life be without it?
Umm... Simple? Uncomplicated?
Or may be... Boring? And dull?
Depends. It's very situational.

Anyway, moving on...

So, you were waiting for a particular thing to happen to you since several years. And now it happens. You are happy, you feel like you are on the top of world. Great!
But now what?
What you wanted, you got. So, is it that you don't have any more ambitions, dreams, wishes or aspirations?
Should you get so lost in that single victory or that particular happy feeling that you stop dreaming more?
No.
There is always more to life.

Also...
Destiny makes you meet people who help you grow, you just have to recognise who are those people and keep them as close as you can. Take all the inspiration that oozes out of them, the support that gushes from them, and most importantly, the love that exudes from them. Then, there always will be more things to anticipate.

Schooling

It is astounding how people unknowingly and unintentionally teach you such important lessons of life. 

You never know the story hidden underneath a face. Why they smile like they do. Why they weep like they do. Why they talk like they do. Why they choose to stay the way they are. 

A million tiny reasons lie behind them being them. 

There is so much to learn from every person around. From their little habits to how they manage their emotions and face challenges. 

Or sometimes some of them show you what not to do at their own expense without realizing. 

When I look around, I don't see people. I see millions of experiences, thousands of hopes, hundreds of storms entangled and integrated with each other to form a body-like shape. 

Oftentimes I try to decode them, with the knowledge that whatever I can imagine their story to be, wouldn't even be close to what their reality must have been. 

It is true, the world is a school and everyone around has a dual role to play of a teacher and student.

That copywriter chick - 2

When the shitrail thing happened with me, I was so agitated, I wanted to tell everyone that a thing as gross as this really happens in Mumbai. I wrote a blog and published it on social media as well, and as a co-incidence a small weekly that is run by a bunch of journalism students in Delhi, contacted me for similar kind of articles. I gave them the link to my blogpost, they liked it enough to publish it in their newspaper on the next day. I shared that as well on FB and twitter, and got a good deal of appreciation for it.

People from the same field won't consider it to be an accomplishment while those not from this industry regard this as a great achievement. As for me, this is just another step towards becoming all those things that I had dreamed to be as a child and that I wish to be now.

Current Playlist:
Jolene - Miley Cyrus
Pimpin smokin dro (Hardwell mix)
If I lose myself - Alesso vs. One Republic
Thousand years - Christina Perry
Chaudhry - Amit Trivedi vs. Mame Khan
Kattey - Ram Sampat, Hard Kaur and Bhanvari Devi

Also, there was an ad contest I wanted to partake in, but I did not have a motivated team. I can write, but I can't design ads, so there went my opportunity to do some good work.
Nevertheless, I am hoping to do some good proactive work in the coming days, and I am hoping that my team actively supports me.
One other thing that I have learned now is that if you don't have an enthusiastic creative partner, you cannot think of participating in contests, let alone winning them!

I have also been doing some travel writing in the meanwhile. Waiting for it to get published now.
I have realized and am slowly accepting the fact that I am more of a writer than a copywriter. This does not mean that I am not going to be a good copywriter, it just means that I will be writing a lot of other things along with ads and marketing collateral. 

The difference... or distance?

When I decided to switch my career path, I lost one of the common factors in my friendship with some of my very close friends.
When they entered into a serious relationship with their new respective partners, I was truly delighted for them but now there was one more thing that differentiated me from them.
And now, as they consider marriage and life after it, I wish them the very best while also making an addition to the list that keeps us from being on the same page.

Yesterday, I was out with a bunch of people, not friends really. One of them, a well-accomplished lady, mentioned that her best friend has a child and it's been 2 years now. She has been trying for one herself since a long time now.
She said whenever they used to meet, all that friend had to talk about was her daughter. It had begin to become discomforting for her to be in her friend's company now. She was not envious, in fact, she was happy that her friend was blessed with a bundle of joy.
But, she wasn't able to empathize with that friend anymore. They weren't on the same page. Their priorities, their scenarios, their day-to-schedule, everything had changed.
So, she started distancing herself from that woman, not intentionally though. It just happened. They don't meet anymore.

As I was listening to her story, I wondered, isn't it really how I too feel for those close friends of mine? I couldn't get myself to say yes, but I did not say a no as well.

I also thought if they too feel so about this situation. But then, I refuse to believe they do because there's so much going on in their lives, in our lives, that they really wouldn't have the time to sit and contemplate about something as trivial as this. It's merely me over-thinking, as usual.

Sigh...

Sadly, this is not the first time I've been perturbed by this obvious feeling. It has been worrying me since quite some time now. So, it was not this lady's words that triggered this thought. It was always there. I was just scared to admit it to myself so bluntly.

Dad says, "You should do what everyone is doing in order to be a part of the society. You will be happy only if you start living your life like everyone else does, as only then you will be able to maintain your relationships. You can't just stand there while everyone else is taking the next step."

Do I have to? Really?
I am scared. I don't know what to do about it. I never thought 'peer pressure' could actually be so pressurizing.
Perhaps Dad is right...
But, is it something I want to do? 
  
Sometimes I wish, somethings would never change. But, we humans, we are all assholes, we are responsible for most changes that transpire and later brood about them.

Anyway, I shall leave it to the future. Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Time flows differently in everyone's life. Different phases occur to different people at different times. One cannot control it. And, it's fair. It's simply life.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

A final goodbye... to something, which could've defined me, in a way.

24

Yes, that's how old I am now.

Have I really grown up?
Have I learned all that I was supposed to and should have by now?
Have I given enough to the world yet?
Have I bettered as a person in all these years?

Listening to Lonely Girl - Above & Beyond 

There are so many questions meandering in my head right now. Along with them, there are insecurities and inhibitions as well. There is so much I want to achieve. There is so much I wish to do. And the clock won't stop ticking. Sometimes, I wish I could simply pause 'time' for a little while. Not because I want to savor a special moment or refrain from facing the coming moment, but because I need a 'time-out'... to stop the excessive rumination and stabilize my mind.

I remember reading somewhere that most people in the world fear happiness and love, and it's because they fear losing anything they have. I am no different. Today, I am scared to death of losing even an ounce of love that surrounds me.

I had also read once that all you have to do is be a good person and you won't lose on love.
Isn't easy, right? But, for the love of 'love' you can do that much. 

On a cold Saturday...

It's not a secret that winter is my favorite season, but I would still love to say it again that I love, simply love, winter!

This year, Mumbai is actually cold during winter!

Oh my my... how happy this chilliness makes me! :D

Anyway,
Those moments when you don't wish to feel about certain people in a certain way because you know that it's unfair to be so negative towards them. But, you still continue to hold those little grudges for that little while, and justify doing so by calling it normal human behavior. However, that excuse doesn't really help you from not feeling guilty about feeling negative about them... because, in your heart, you know you are being unfair!

Christmas is almost here! Yay! I have no special plans. Doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel special about it!

A Christmas shop at Bandra, Hill Road.

They had amazing decorative items and adornments in this little roadside shop. In fact, there were many hawkers also selling baubles and other cute things in Bandra. It was so Christmas-y and positive and blissful being there today, surrounded by the festive spirit. Loved it!

Also,
I don't understand why they call monsoon as the 'season of love and romance' when it should actually be winter! How can you not find this weather the most romantic, the most loving climate ever?
(Yes, love and romance are two very, very different things!)

Twitter is addictive! Very much.

Adieu bloggy doggy! See you soon. :*

Think no more!

That moment when you finally decide to give up on your 'neurotic' act because it is literally driving you crazy.
And, finally after you come out of your delusional state, you see how badly your absence, ignorance rather, has affected the real people around you.
Good luck dealing with the awful feeling of not being there when they truly needed you!
 
"When words fail, music prevails."

Above & Beyond (Now I know why everyone was going crazy about them)

Katy Perry - Roar

Counting Stars - One Republic

Lana Del Rey (I love her almost as much as Adele)

Hardwell vs Goyte featuring Kimbra - Spaceman (The best mix ever)  

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga (Some songs can never go out of style)

O Womaniya 

I feel that I have newly started deciphering that yes we have all grown up. Now, when people around me are either getting married or are contemplating marriage. This new knowledge has brought along a lot of inhibitions and insecurities about the future.

Note to self:

• Take it easy sometimes, okay?
• Stop taking everything (including yourself) so seriously!
• There's never a need to thoroughly analyze the actions of other people or yourself. Well, not unless you actually join the CBI! 
• Come out of your sick and stupid dream-bubble. Now.    

Lastly,

I am glad that Winter is finally showing up! 

So you mess things up sometimes, so what!
You also always find a way out of it, right?
And, if not, you simply stop bothering yourself with it by not giving a damn.

And...
Music is not just on my mind, but on my phone too now! Yay! So happy!

Also,
You... confuse me!

When the inconceivable happens...

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey is an incredible number
"Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere 
Nothing scares me anymore."

In her shoes - the movie. 

..........

They fell in love years back. They were not perfect, but they knew how to love each other perfectly. Years went by. The love remained the same, grew rather. Until 'change' came.
He met new people, he saw a new shade of life, he loved it, he changed. Because he wanted to.
She still stood there. Watching him become a stranger. Hoping it to be a plain phase. She waited long.
He was a different person now. It was the same old her.
She was helpless. They were supposed to be together 'forever' and he had simply vanished. There was this stranger disguised to be him, but it was not him.
He's not a bad person. He's not wrong or culpable.
She cried, yelped, prayed, feared... It's over.


How do you trust anyone after something like this happens? How do you trust anyone after knowing something like this can happen?

Being a mere spectator to this is so saddening and perturbing. I can't gauge the intensity of the pain and hurt she would be carrying in her heart right now. And, that he would, I believe, will go through at some given point of time in future.

Love is an illusion. Togetherness is a delusion. I was right in believing so.
.......

When no one succeeds in comforting you.
When no one manages to get even a faint smile on your face.
When no one cares enough for that little moment.
When no one makes you feel loved and wanted.
It's time you stop fretting about it and be there for yourself.
Only you can love you the way you've wanted to be loved.


Eagerly waiting for the exit of October heat and the mystical entry of the wonderous wintertide.


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

And, the blankness prevails...

I have fallen in love with this little tale. It won't leave my mind. I've been repeating it over and over again in my head.

When an ugly event from past decides to revisit your mind...

And, to you,
I buried the very thought of being like we used to be, months back.Yet you manage to hurt me each time I think about us. But, I'm fine. Really.

Life is full of people who'll keep finding flaws in you and your work, whether the faults truly exist or not, whether with good intentions or bad. You have to learn how not to be demoralized and keep going on.
When they say that you should take it positively, ask them fuck themselves, and simply ignore.
Because when you've heard bad things about yourself all your life, they fail to serve any kind of inspirational or motivational purpose after a while.

Having said that, constructive criticism should always be welcomed because that helps you learn and grow, in every aspect of your life.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Back-bitching, eh?

Is there a person in your life, for whom you haven't spoken badly behind their back?
Have you told them all that you felt about them, when you were annoyed at them?
There's no lies between you?

What led me thinking about this, if you ask... I got introduced to some "bitching" done by a friend recently.
Human tendency, you see. You don't like someone, you will want others to understand why you don't like them and join the hatred club, just to feel better. More importantly, to feel right!

So, is there anyone in my life I've never really spoken ill about to others but them?
Yes, two people. My baby and a friend, maybe because they understand my intentions more than my behavior, which no one else does. That doesn't mean we don't fight or argue.

Point to be noted.
One should always have that one person in life who will understand their intentions more than their behavior. These people know the real you. But, the worst thing to do to them will be taking them for granted. Then again, the best part about them, they will still understand and keep no malice in the heart.

So, does it mean that others are not as important in your life, or you in their's?
No, importance is still there, it's the understanding and trust that lacks behind.

Uff... Trust? Again, really?
I think, I'm over-doing it!
I'm obsessed with the word and at the same time, with its existence in the real world!

P.S.: One should still not trust ANYONE with their real secrets. If you already have, then be ready to have certain regrets (like me).

Sigh...

It's Hot!
Thank God for the AC!

Okay so...
Those who say that you have changed and they don't need the new you in their life, never really knew you.
Life is divided into umpteen phases & those who stand by you in every of your phase, only know the true you.
The one who says, "You were an emotional & caring angel earlier and now you've turned into a carefree & outspoken bitch," is here to hamper your growth as a human.
Everyone has to see the bad side of life and if you become strong and not emotionally dependent on anyone, that's an achievement! If someone wants you to be an emotional sissy only so that they feel their own importance in your life, it's better to stay away from them. They define selfishness.
Perhaps they only loved those few qualities in you and not YOU, which is sad! Any person with such similar virtues will serve their purpose, it's not necessary for them that the person should be you.

Also...
No one will come to you when you sulk & brood. NO ONE. Put up a fake happy face and see how people will be hovering around you like bees.

Looking at the brighter side of life, I love my work.
Last week due to my laziness, some of my work had to suffer. I need to be careful about that bit.  

And...
I still get those "You are so lucky" & "Your life is so sorted" reactions from those girls, who are in a relationship or had a bad one in the past.
Haha... it's funny!
At work, all I hear is boyfriend talk! Initially it was annoying because the girls had nothing else to talk about but now I've grown used to it.
One female from work said and I quote, "Once you start seeing someone, that relationship becomes the most important of all other relationships in your life, even your friendships, and you cannot help it. It happens with everyone. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be."
I couldn't agree more with her. And it's valid, love is an exciting emotion and it sets you free because you finally find that ultimate feeling of happiness. So for the person who is the source of this ultimate happiness, it's only fair to put them on a pedestal.

So long bloggy doggy. Thanks, I feel lighter!

When there's always someone or the other to talk to, you feel suffocated by the presence of too many in your life.
When there's no one available to covey your feelings or vent out your emotions or just talk aimlessly, you feel suffocated due to the presence of that emptiness in your life.
Strange aren't we, never satisfied.

And then,
No matter how hard you try to fit in, you just can't because you are not meant to be one of them so isn't it advisable to just be yourself. "Be yourself", as easy as it is to say these two profound words, it is as difficult to always inculcate it in life, per se!

Currently listening to:
Greyhound- Swedish House Mafia
Diamonds- Rihanna
Levels- Avicii
Perfect- Pink (speaks to my heart, always) 
Cold Addiction- Day of fire
Coastal cities- Relief

I've observed, eventually everything boils down to acceptance. What you do has to be accepted, how you do it has to accepted, when you do it has to be accepted... all in all, You have to be accepted!
By whom? That's subjective but it'll always be this one person or if not that, society.
People may deny the importance of acceptance but it is one of the fundamental characteristics of human nature and behavior.

Being a people pleaser and not being able to say no, leads to identity crises or rather adds to it!

I'd gone for the Standard Chartered Mumbai Marathon- Dream run, on the 20th of this month. It was awesome. With the enormous crowd. different types of music playing loud and various vibrant colors around, I could truly feel the spirit of Mumbai.
People from certain NGO's promoting their objects, brands and big corporates promoting their products, people supporting causes, Delhi rape protesters, people participating just for fun, people participating for fitness and health, people participating to experience being part of the marathon, people participating for showing off their status and money, disabled people taking part to motivate themselves and others and to feel more alive, street children and beggars just running along asking for free water bottles, money and food... Mumbai was on the streets!  

What's New?

When you meet new people, you connect real good with some of them while you don't click with the rest.
New people come in life with a new set of expectations. I'm not talking about what they would be expecting from you, I'm speaking of the expectations you will build up in your mind.
Its very important to know how to detach yourself from certain people, things, situations. To lead a happy life one has to learn how to detach.

Living in the moment.

Everything fades away - Poets of Fall 

Suddenly life has started running at a jet speed, it feels as though I'm losing some of the very important things. in the meanwhile. I hope its only a feeling and not actual.

Yesterday while I was returning home in a BEST bus, a lady was being troubled by a lecherous creep. I was sitting on the seat ahead of her so I couldn't see what was happening. Suddenly this guy standing near my seat started abusing that creep very badly. It broke my sleep and I had no clue what was happening, then of course I came to know when others also yelled and abused the creep and threw him out of the bus. What was appalling, the lady never uttered a word, she was simply sitting there and letting this asshole touch herself! If women keep taking it all, staying mum in fear, they are not worth any sympathy. Sexual harassment will keep on happening. When you don't speak up, it leads to consent because silence can be interpreted in any way. And, not always, will there be someone who will fight for you!

  

one by two

Office.
Sometimes its just us, we over-think. The other person is not always the bad guy.

People are not that difficult to deal with, we make ourselves believe that they are. I know, I too have umpteen times said that its not a cinch being around people rather being happy around them but eventually I always realize it never was a big deal.

Another thing that got me thinking was, whether to say it out or not?
For say, when having a conversation with a bunch of people, you have so many things in head that you can say but you choose to stay mum. How does it matter if you speak your heart?
Now, there are countless reasons why you don't say it but for how long will this continue?
There will be a time when you'll stop not talking, when you'll start being yourself. So why not do it right away!

I think I shouldn't have done it, that thing. But now, it's all said and done so rather than fretting about it, I should do something constructive.

Home.
Feel, speak, enjoy, love, live, cry, suffer, make mistakes, be outrageous, apologize, learn, discover yourself!
Now is what we have. Who knows world might really end on 21/12/12!!
Haha...
What if it actually does?

When you wonder about death, you realize who are the ones that truly matter to you and you would wish to spend more time with them before everything is over.
If believing in 21/12/12 helps you express your love to your loved ones, then you are not as stupid as people would think!

I love Mumbai. People here can be as sweet as bitter they are! Confusing naa?? That's how we are.

Adele-Skyfall. Love it like crazy!

P.S.: I wrote half the post at work but then I got busy so I saved it as a draft and now added more and posted, hence the title!

'The missing piece' or rather 'The missing peace'

Hair-cut and shopping - Life's good!
I feel beautiful today! :D

With so many positive things happening around, I should be feeling ecstatic but why do I feel like something is missing... What is it that is wrong?
Perhaps I'm so used to having something going amiss with me that when everything's perfect, I'm not able to gulp it in.
Or
There really is something missing...
I know, not going to Goa sucks but I've overcome that  now so that's not the subject of my anxiety.

Sigh...

I'm stupid!

Locked out of heaven - Bruno Mars
Jiya re - Neeti Mohan (JTHJ)

I reminisce, a few weeks back I was thinking, the ones who stand by your side, even during the moments when you hate them, are the ones who really and truly love you. But then, I discerned that these people still love you because you never showcased your hatred expressly, you either abhorred them inwardly or behaved a little cranky with them at times.
The truth is, No one can stand you, when you start behaving the way you feel, no matter how special or important you are to them!