Turning 31

Early this week I was in the mood to watch a chick-flick and I chose ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’. The movie opens with Bridget stating she is 32 years old and the rest follows. Have you noticed, in most western ‘coming-of-age’, romcom, etc. movies, the female protagonists are in their 30s? Okay remember, what is Carrie Bradshaw’s age in Sex and the City’s first episode? Another point to be noted in such shows and movies, is people in 20s are shown as too young and immature.

On the contrary, in Indian cinema, in 1990s and before, the female lead would be in her teens! And nowadays, they have graduated to be in their early 20s. 

Now, I am not trying to belittle any culture here as I understand every society has had a history and is the way it is for a reason, which is a very different and wide topic and can be discussed at another time. 

What I am trying to say is, we are a society that endorses (and ensures) childhood meets a premature death and old age blooms early. And, as feminist as it sounds, it is true that this is more so for the girls!

• Get married in early 20’s
• Have babies by mid-20s
• Make your life all about your family in your 30s
• Become a purpose-less, hopeless old hag in your 40s
• Make religion/God your priority in your 50s
• Wait for your death in and after 60s

Now, I am not saying that women are asked to follow the above timeline. I mean we are raised in a way that this seeps into our subconscious so discreetly, we don’t realize it until we are in the later phase of this pre-designed life. Perhaps this is changing for some and may be not for some.

Last year after I turned 30, I went through this gloomy phase for a few weeks. I have always followed my heart and rebelled my way through life so far and I was feeling like the best part of my life has just ended and that it will only go downhill further on! All this until I had the revelation (as above) about why do I really feel the way I do.

Scientifically, yes, the body gets older and gradually weaker as we grow. But how we feel or should feel does not depend on it, at least, not entirely. Moreover, ‘the best part of life’ is something we usually don't realise when living it. We will only see it that way, once it has passed or when it is about to come. 

Yesterday, I turned 31. There are many changes in the way I see and perceive things now. May be I don’t get enthusiastic too often as I have met many a new experience already. May be I am not as interested in everything that comes along my way. May be I am not always open to new friendships. May be it all sounds a little less adventurous. May be this what 'older and wiser' looks like. But, the inner curious child in me is still very much alive. And, I believe life has only just begun and that the quest to ‘I don’t know what’ continues in all its glory. 

PS: These are strictly my observations and not a judgement on any particular persons. If they seem condescending, perhaps you should question yourself.  

Song paying in my head - Dance Monkey by Tones and I

Ask.

Sometimes the voices in your head speak in such a haphazard fashion that it doesn't make sense to call them thoughts. These broken words make you anxious, they evoke different emotions, strong emotions, so many of them that they confuse you. You don't know if you are happy or sad or excited or bored or content or nihilistic. It's a chaotic mess, yet you can hear the sound of silence.

You want to do something, may be something you love doing, may be something that calms you down, may be something new and adventurous, just something... However, your inert body refuses to obey. But the body cannot think or feel by itself, right? It is a mere employee of your mind.

So basically, your mind knows of ways to cheer you up while also being responsible for the reason behind you being this despondent. It is a fight between you and you.

And, while this debate is taking place, there is another you who is the spectator constantly making judgement about both contenders as if the onus of choosing the winner lies on it.
'It'... You are an 'it'. But you can only be a 'he or she'?
Really? Do you think so? How does it matter if we are just souls and not creatures defined by any species or sex?

So should you blame it on Monotony? All of these "broken words" in your mind? These pangs of contradictory emotions?
What is monotony though? A routine? One that you have created yourself for yourself? A routine that once was a dream you wished to fulfill with all your heart. Every cell in your body swore to work towards making it your reality. And so you did. It is your reality now. Your routine. A monotony meticulously tailored by you.

What happened? Why is not as beautiful now that it is yours? Is that the problem that it is yours? But... Doesn't beauty lie in the eye of the beholder?
So shouldn't you be taking it as a challenge to find beauty in the thing that you once wanted more than anything in this world, something that is yours now, that you call your routine?
Shouldn't it be categorized as a good and happy thing rather than unexciting and undesirable?

Questions... it's funny how they can sometimes tame these unruly voices. ;)

I Should Because I Can.

Each ray emanated from the sun is a ray of hope.
Every 7 am comes with an opportunity to become a better version of yourself.

No one said following your heart will be the easiest thing to do.
But I can say, it is certainly the most satisfying feeling in the world.

To follow your heart, however, is not in your hands alone.
There are a hundred other things that need to function at the right pace so you can follow your heart.
Therefore, to be following your heart in itself is a stroke of luck.
Have you realised that before?
To do what you wish to, to work on your dreams, all of this is already a privilege.

Ask a child in Iraq who has lost his family and doesn't know if he will survive another day.
Ask a quadriplegic who was once an adventure enthusiast.
Ask a musician suffering from Alzheimer's who has forgotten how to make music, and worse, how to live.

Stop wishing for luck. You already are one of the most fortunate humans.
Go ahead, work on your dreams.
Whether they come true or not, at least you will have lived them.
   

Celebrating Sadness

"Cling to happy thoughts. Think practical. How does being sad help? What good does it do to anyone around you and more importantly, to yourself?"
Makes sense, right?
Not always.

Why do people believe in nipping sadness in the bud?
Why is it a negative emotion all the time?

I understand prolonged sadness can cause serious problems but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to feel it at all.

If small things can make you happy, why can't small things make you sad?
As long as you won't spend an unusually long time wailing about it.
The sadness will fizz out eventually.

Set your melancholy free. Feel upset. Even if it is something petty. Because in that moment it is the most painful thing happening to you. It's okay. You will be fine soon. Just be there to make yourself fine once you have celebrated the sadness enough.

Give yourself a hug and let yourself know that you may be alone, you are not lonely. Because even if no one else understands, you are there for you. Always. :)

Now, I am reminded of the animated movie 'Inside Out'. If you haven't watched it, please do.

Listening to Bob Dylan...
"From East to West
Ever since the world began
I only mean it for the best
I want to be with you any way I can"

Such an admirable writer!

Age of Realisation or Realisation of Age

I have started realising why people keep wishing they could go back in time when they were younger & frivolous. As you grow up and begin planning about how and where you wish to see yourself in another 10 years, you somehow start losing the frivolousness and the audacity to follow your heart, your instincts. Every decision you take needs to be thought through. Every step you take has to be analysed. Every move you make should be calculated. And, all these stumbling blocks are built by us. We do it to ourselves, and apparently for ourselves. Suddenly, all those "Live in the moment"and "Carpe Diem" doctrines go out of the window. Because you are a mature individual now - a grown up. You look at life with a distinct perspective. You have to. After all, you have exhausted all the free lunches that you were entitled to.

I am 27 years old.
In India, a girl of my age is not considered to be young. I think I can't even call myself a girl anymore here. Because I am a "woman". However, I still feel like a girl, so I will anyway.
Time just flies away. Kids would earlier call me Didi (elder sister), but since a couple of years, they have started addressing me as Aunty. Perhaps my age is showing. Though I have observed, it's more often the parent of the kid who decides if I am a Didi or an Aunty. Not that it matters to me. It's just the way the society has been moulded. Out of 10, 8 of my friends, who belong to my age group, are married and from those 8, 4 already have kids or are about to give birth.

Isn't it all about choices you make in life?

Choices. Decisions. I don't like making decisions. The big ones. The perturbing ones. Ones that have impact on someone else's life too. I never enjoyed making decisions anyway. But now, because I am a "grown up", this task has become more arduous. The future, no matter how uncertain, glares at me with its eyes wide open, each time I think of deciding to do what I wish to and not what I have to.

I am certain 5 years later, there is going to be a paradigm shift in the way I look at life. I will smile and look back at the present me just as I am doing right now at the younger me.

You owe it to yourself

After squashing your wishes to do all that you really want to.
Letting a crooked organisation manipulate your true potential for their benefit.
Sacrificing the most active hours of your day in order to earn a living.
Refraining yourself from exploring the unexplored mountains and seas.

You owe yourself a few hours of doing something that restores your sanity, everyday.
Something that benefits your inner being. Something that commands you to be happy.

3 weeks ago, I began practising Yoga.
It has brought me closer to peace.
It has brought me closer to myself.

Yoga gives me the feeling of being on a mountain alone, of being at a bank of a clear and cold Himalayan river.

I am thankful to myself for doing this.

Someone had said and I quote, "Do not try to find your happiness in people, instead look for it in activities."
I cannot agree more.
When I doodle, I feel happy.
When I read a good book, I feel happy.
When I listen to music, I feel happy.
When I do Yoga, I feel happy.
When I write profoundly, I feel happy.

These joys are different in nature from those bestowed upon you by your loved ones. These joys are created by yourself. They are imperative to your being. They make you an independent person, a complete person and a happy person.

In a life full of chaos, you can never find your peace outside, for it resides within you. Therefore, take a plunge into yourself  and embrace the light of happiness. Only it can lead you to the path of tranquillity.

A little lost.

For a rebel, nothing is worse than not following their heart and becoming a slave to their mind.

............

When you love doing many things, focus becomes a matter of concern. You tend to be partially absent everywhere you are. And that's the test, how well do you manage to strike a balance.

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Music: Coldplay
Can't get enough!

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Why is there a need to fit in?
Why do we inadvertently squeeze ourselves in the crowd only to be amongst them?
It might be hard to accept the difference and respect our own eccentricities, but it brings peace.
Acceptance always does.

Having said that, in a world hugely overpopulated with social animals, it's almost impossible to be exclusive. Existence of someone like yourself is certain. However, meeting them is a matter of chance.

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Humans are so greedy. On accomplishment of a dream, they conceive another one immediately.
Is it really greed? Or just a hope to live further?
For what is life without the hope of... having something or being something or having someone or being somewhere?

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I wish...
Why do we wish so much!