A lost moment

I see green pastures. I see colorful tents. 

It is so cold I am trembling.

I can feel the pellets of ice falling from the sky on my hand.

It seems like a dream. 

So it can really happen, I tell myself. 

Hail stones.

Every cell in my body, every artery in my heart feels elated and tranquil.

The smile is adamant, it won't leave.

................

Today when I closed my eyes while commuting to work, 

I found this moment that was hidden somewhere deep in my memory.

And within seconds I was transported back to Padri.

To that chilling moment, that beautiful moment, my moment.

Wanderlust. Again.

It has began again.
That urge. That craving.
My mind is restless again.
It wants to go away again.
Far away. Alone.
My eyes yearn to see the unseen.
My soul desires to explore more.
I want to travel more.
I want to fly higher and farther.
I want to meet myself again.

The Big Bang

Yesterday when I was writing my journal. I realized a few of my Himalayan memories have faded away already. I don't remember every moment. I have forgotten the chronological order of the events that took place there.

I wish I could lock all those memories in a box, even the tiniest one, and reopen the box whenever I feel like going back. I wish all my memories could remain as fresh as a daisy, all my life. 

All memories? Would I really want that? 

Because there are painful memories as well and I don't think I would like to remember them. 

Good. Bad.

Happy. Sad.

Pros. Cons.

Black. White.

Odd. Even.

All things come in a pair. They are opposite but inseparable. Without one the other would lose its meaning. One is the reason for the other's existence. The universe seems clearly fathomable at one moment and utterly incomprehensible in the next moment.

Today's Favorite:

Bang Bang my baby shot me down - Nancy Sinatra

The Sixteenth

A month ago, on this day, I embarked on the most unexpected journey in my life. A journey that changed my life. A journey of an epic beginning.

Dear Mr. God,

I love you more than ever now. The happiness that my heart contains is of such magnitude that I am afraid to lose even an ounce of it. It feels like magic. You have surprised me, delighted me, blessed me. You have showered me with such love that  it goes beyond my imagination. I will be thankful to you till my last breath.

..........

I am at the Beas. The cold winds are making my lungs quiver. My clothes are not doing a good job at keeping me warm. I am loving the cold. My teeth clatter and my body shivers. I am standing on the rocks submerged in the river that is flowing effortlessly. The icy water is piercing each cell in my legs. My legs go numb after a while. I cannot feel them. I cannot feel the cold. I am smiling as wide as I can. A tear rolls down my cheek. I feel lighter. I am one with the river. I see pine trees around and the gargantuan mountains with a scoop of snow carelessly dropped on them. The river is feeling me, healing me. I feel empty. I feel full. I feel me. I am happiness. I am love. I am the river and she is me. We are one.

My heart yearns for her.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

A gift from nature

I am back from the mountains.
I am back from the snow.
I am back from the river.
I am back from the paradise.

Or may be I am not. I left a little of me there and brought back a little of them all.

It was a breathtaking journey. With every small patch of land, I learned more about me. It was a satisfying feeling. Just me and my backpack.

There are too many words coming to my mind at the moment but I do not feel like putting it all together right now. Piece by piece I shall keep posting.

I am happy to be working again. My work is as important to me as travel. It, too, defines me in a way.

Anyway,
This trip has been extremely special to me. Apart from adding a new dimension to my thinking, it has introduced me to a new side of me.
It seems like Mr. God is playing a prank with me. I hope he is not. I don't have that kind of an appetite for humor. I have taken a leap of faith. It's scary. It's exciting. It's beautiful. It's alleviating. It's fulfilling.

My heart tells me, it's a gift from nature, from Mr. God. 

Going Away.

I can’t wait to cease to exist. I can’t wait to go missing. I can’t wait to lose all connections. I can’t wait to go away.

It’s an exaggeration, of course. I am going on a 15-day adventure trip. There is no cell phone network in that area. So I cannot be contacted neither can I get in touch with people.

Every now and then we all need such breaks. They suck all the negative energies that we keep accumulating incessantly.

‘Kal ke andheron se nikal ke, dekha hai aankhein malte malte…

Ful hi ful zindagi kahan hai. Tey kar liyaaa,
Aaj fir jeene ki tamana hai, aaj fir marne ka irada hai.’

How many times have you wished you were dead?

No, not because life is being too harsh on you, but just for fun or for no reason or perhaps out of anger on a loved one.

My train of thought on ‘going away’ got me thinking on this topic.

I have had a few friends who had at some point mentioned that they wonder what it would be like when they are dead. They were keen to know how their family and friends will cope with it. I deciphered that there was a sense of sadism attached to this thought of theirs. It pleased them to imagine their loved ones craving for them. To be honest, I, too, have thought about it, and yes, I did gain some delight out of it.

It's okay, everyone likes to think in this manner, at least once or twice, because we are a self-centered species. We love it when people love us and want us. We simply love the attention, doesn’t matter if we are dead or alive.

In contrast to the above, can I say that it is our fear of losing that love, respect and want, or the feeling that we are not getting enough? It is not pleasure, but remedy for the pain that stems of out of our anxiety and insecurities.
Think about it.
  

Somewhere in the clear skies

You must have heard people saying that sometimes one has to go farther to get closer to them self. They mean, when we go away from our regular course of life, from our chaotic routine and this pandemonium that we call home, we are able to reconnect with ourselves. We get an opportunity to listen to our heart beating and feel the air going in and out.

I remember getting off the car in the middle of an unknown road that ended at Sandhan Valley eventually. It was 4am in the morning, and it was just us on the road. God, it was so cold! My teeth were clattering. The sky wore a dark shade of blue with a million stars embedded on it. That was the first time in my life when I could see the stars with such flawless clarity. It felt… divine. Truly!

There are many such beautiful and unforgettable moments that place has gifted me. That trip will always be a special one because it marked the start of my journey as a traveler.

No, I may not travel all the time. And no, I’m certainly not trying to emulate some fictitious movie character. I am a real person, with real ambitions, financial uncertainty and big dreams to be an inspiring writer. I just know that I am going to explore the world, little by little. And by doing so, explore myself, little by little.

Also, there is some magic in the murk as it is only during the night when I am able to connect with myself, even in this pandemonium that we call home.

‘...akelepan se chedhi jab guftagu, mere dil ne awaz di...’
Some songs have a soul of their own.

P.S.: I am eagerly waiting for my next trip in May. I’m eagerly waiting to be with myself, and only myself, again.

  

Sandhan Valley

'Valley of Shadows' is another way of addressing this little piece of heaven in Maharashtra. This previous weekend, I had gone there with my office colleagues and a few others.

Expecting nothing, I left my house. My parents in disagreement and my excitement donning an invisibility cloak. 

A backpack and a sling, with only basic necessities in them came along with me. 

The train journey began in a not-so-interesting manner, but as the journey progressed, it only got better and better. 

I had my notepad and pen with me all through, and I captured most of my experience in words.

No, I'm not gonna describe it again. I have written enough about it. Writing more would make it redundant for me. Having said that, I can never be bored of thinking & reminiscing about this picturesque beauty, ever.

This place has given me a lot, but more than anything, it has added a new dimension to my perspective in life. It has made me feel complete by being with myself alone. Something which I hadn't witnessed before. 

Also, now I know what wanderlust is like. I am feeling it.