A gift from nature

I am back from the mountains.
I am back from the snow.
I am back from the river.
I am back from the paradise.

Or may be I am not. I left a little of me there and brought back a little of them all.

It was a breathtaking journey. With every small patch of land, I learned more about me. It was a satisfying feeling. Just me and my backpack.

There are too many words coming to my mind at the moment but I do not feel like putting it all together right now. Piece by piece I shall keep posting.

I am happy to be working again. My work is as important to me as travel. It, too, defines me in a way.

Anyway,
This trip has been extremely special to me. Apart from adding a new dimension to my thinking, it has introduced me to a new side of me.
It seems like Mr. God is playing a prank with me. I hope he is not. I don't have that kind of an appetite for humor. I have taken a leap of faith. It's scary. It's exciting. It's beautiful. It's alleviating. It's fulfilling.

My heart tells me, it's a gift from nature, from Mr. God. 

When the inconceivable happens...

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey is an incredible number
"Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere 
Nothing scares me anymore."

In her shoes - the movie. 

..........

They fell in love years back. They were not perfect, but they knew how to love each other perfectly. Years went by. The love remained the same, grew rather. Until 'change' came.
He met new people, he saw a new shade of life, he loved it, he changed. Because he wanted to.
She still stood there. Watching him become a stranger. Hoping it to be a plain phase. She waited long.
He was a different person now. It was the same old her.
She was helpless. They were supposed to be together 'forever' and he had simply vanished. There was this stranger disguised to be him, but it was not him.
He's not a bad person. He's not wrong or culpable.
She cried, yelped, prayed, feared... It's over.


How do you trust anyone after something like this happens? How do you trust anyone after knowing something like this can happen?

Being a mere spectator to this is so saddening and perturbing. I can't gauge the intensity of the pain and hurt she would be carrying in her heart right now. And, that he would, I believe, will go through at some given point of time in future.

Love is an illusion. Togetherness is a delusion. I was right in believing so.
.......

When no one succeeds in comforting you.
When no one manages to get even a faint smile on your face.
When no one cares enough for that little moment.
When no one makes you feel loved and wanted.
It's time you stop fretting about it and be there for yourself.
Only you can love you the way you've wanted to be loved.


Eagerly waiting for the exit of October heat and the mystical entry of the wonderous wintertide.


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Back-bitching, eh?

Is there a person in your life, for whom you haven't spoken badly behind their back?
Have you told them all that you felt about them, when you were annoyed at them?
There's no lies between you?

What led me thinking about this, if you ask... I got introduced to some "bitching" done by a friend recently.
Human tendency, you see. You don't like someone, you will want others to understand why you don't like them and join the hatred club, just to feel better. More importantly, to feel right!

So, is there anyone in my life I've never really spoken ill about to others but them?
Yes, two people. My baby and a friend, maybe because they understand my intentions more than my behavior, which no one else does. That doesn't mean we don't fight or argue.

Point to be noted.
One should always have that one person in life who will understand their intentions more than their behavior. These people know the real you. But, the worst thing to do to them will be taking them for granted. Then again, the best part about them, they will still understand and keep no malice in the heart.

So, does it mean that others are not as important in your life, or you in their's?
No, importance is still there, it's the understanding and trust that lacks behind.

Uff... Trust? Again, really?
I think, I'm over-doing it!
I'm obsessed with the word and at the same time, with its existence in the real world!

P.S.: One should still not trust ANYONE with their real secrets. If you already have, then be ready to have certain regrets (like me).

Work-in-process

When you are being the bad guy, yelling and arguing while that little voice inside you is constantly asking you to shut up... but you just pretend as if you didn't hear it and continue being wrong, talking ill, which eventually results in a huge lump of guilt in your throat....

Anger is never good... Admitting is easy but eliminating it is certainly not!

Sometimes it just feels as though I am living a perfect life in an imperfect and erroneous manner.
It was easier when I was a teen, I used to blame God for anything wrong that happened with me, with my life...
But, as I grew up, I realized, He is not to blame, it's me... for this is not my life, this is a gift He's given to me, I'm the one who's not able to figure out how to deal with the gift... I cannot hold him culpable for anything as He's only responsible for the good things that have happened to me while me and my karma are responsible for all the bad things...
So since a few years, I actually have no one to pass on the blame... perhaps that's the source of all the anger generating within... but for how long??
Maybe, just as time taught me not to blame Him, it will also teach me to deal with all the anger...

I trust in You and no one can change that Mr God! :)
I may not be regularly visiting Your shrine... but I just don't need to because I know you are here... all the time; looking out for me! :*

And last but not the least,
Happy Independence day!
Yes, we still are a developing country, we still are struggling with immense poverty and corruption, we haven't bagged a gold in Olympics since last 3 decades... BUT there is something that has changed we are not as inert as we used to be towards the ills of the society, we are trying to search the answers, we have started pointing towards the wrong even if the wrong is someone sitting on the throne, we did bag 2 silver and 4 bronze medals and stood 55th out of the 83 participant countries and we are one of the fastest growing economies on this globe...
Desh badal raha hain....
I hope our great freedom- fighters up there would be happy to see that we are still fighting, fighting to be the best...

It's complicated... NAH!! It's simply me. ;)

Okay so, 'moving on' turned out to be having two faces. Which way should I take up and will it be right...? I have no clue but I have finally chosen and I'm gonna stick to that... It's just too hard to give up, not because I'm scared but because somewhere in my heart I still believe that I can... I just hope that I don't disappoint me this time...

Have I mentioned before how I hate choosing!!


"Just because I'm losing
 doesn't mean I'm lost
 doesn't mean I'll stop
 doesn't mean I'm across..." - COLDPLAY 
#loveit

Envy- is when you wish you were living someone else's life for that little moment...

It's not easy being yourself when you do not know who you really are....

And,
That moment when you realize... "Seriously, what was I thinking?? I never had a shot... and somehow I'm glad that I didn't!!"
Strange isn't it, I wanted something to happen so desperately for so long but it did not happen and so somehow I just argued myself into believing that it wasn't ever meant to be and now when I get to know that it can actualize, I mean there chances of it to happen... I don't want it anymore!
So what is it?
Is it my super convincing power OR perhaps, I was never really into it, ever... You never know...
But, as of now I'm sorted about it.

Life never fails to amuse you and the antithesis is that this is the best as well as the worst part about it!

'It's raining men' by Geri Halliwell- an all time favorite!

Complication has become my way of life now and I'm totally acclimated to it.
I kinda do it myself, though subconsciously. I guess, simplicity is just not my scene... And, I am more than okay with it!
 

Sick, physically and mentally.

I feel so messed up at the moment for no freakin reason!
Feeling queasy, insane sneezing, wild running nose... :(

Mood swings!
Sometimes you want your friends to bear with you, be nice to you even when you act like a total bitch, understand you without you asking them to do so...
Results tomorrow, my tummy is churning badly! There's just too much pressure being imposed on me currently...
Mr God, I truly trust on you, I know whether negative or positive, You'll always be in my favor! ;)

What is it with people?! Every time before results they call and ask you if you are tensed about the forthcoming results? Duhh isn't it obvious... I mean, who is not anxious about the results, yes the level of anxiousness does vary. 

Especially when you are already behind time and the circumstances need you to be in action immediately, such stupid and unwanted concern gets too exasperating!   

Movies and books are the saving grace, I tell you..

Happy Valentines day!

It's valentines day... and also my bloggy-doggy's 1st birthday! Happy Birthday 'My Dreamsville'!! This blog is a piece of me... just can't articulate what it means to me... :) :)


Valentines day... A day that gives you just another reason to celebrate love. It is a day full of positive energy. Love is literally in the air on this day! I know, many don't believe in celebrating valentines but as I said, it gives you just another reason to celebrate love AND if you really love 'love', you won't refrain from celebrating it!
But, the V-Day kinda emphasizes the disadvantages of single-hood :/


There are some songs that give you a rush... You just capitulate to its music, its lyrics, its melody... 'Bad Romance' by Lady Gaga is one such song! I am in deep love with this track! Almost all Lady Gaga numbers are enchanting!!
"I want your love and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love and all your love is revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh caught in bad romance..."  SIMPLY LOVE IT!!! :D




Why do people always choose to consider your words over your intentions? If someone really loves you, be it your family, friends or your beloved, you have got to trust in them that they would never even think about hurting you in any way.
The feeling you get when you have been highly misconstrued by a friend... is awfully upsetting! :( :(
Why do people love to think that everyone else is here to hurt them and the entire world is conspiring against them?? 
I mean, quit the negativity, dude!! Stop being so unaffirmative and cynical!! The world doesn't exactly revolve around you! 
I am fucking sick of being around the grouchy ones, the sullen ones and the huffy ones!!!


........


There's always a part of your heart that can never think practically or rationally come what may!  


And sometimes despite of having many dear ones, when you are feeling very chatty, somehow you can't manage to find a single person to talk to!!
Then, you realize that you actually blabber and drivel a little too much!


It's not good to turn blase about important issues. Levity and flippancy can really mess your life up to no limits!  
.......

Feminine!

I can see a slight beam of light coming out of the shut window so there's still a thin ray of hope left... So Mr stupid little brain, are you there?! Hellloooo?! Kindly start working!!!

Why are the heart and head always battling? Can't they for once settle on a single mutual thing?!

I've been listening too much to "Oh Johnny..." since last 2 days. It's a song by 'Andrew sisters'. It was a US chart-buster during the world-war!! I know... it's a very old song but it's very gleeful! 

Also, the soundtrack from the Bolly movie 'Life in a metro' is really good. Too romantic songs, not really my thing but sometimes they work well because the music is amazing (especially the guitar sounds)... When the movie was out years back, everyone was crazy about its songs but I never paid attention and now when people are bored of them... I've started liking them (All thanks to the radio stations that still keep playing them)! This always happens with me...late realizations... most of the times over songs and some of the times with real people!

Girls, females, women... No one can understand them, not even they themselves!

Sometimes we can take it all in good humor and sometimes something said sarcastically can hurt us immensely! 

I know guys who are like that too... in my head, I refer to them as 'girl-guys'!! I mean SOMETIMES it's OK for a guy to think like a girl, exceptions are allowed but dude.. not invariably!! It's easy to tell a girl-guy from the real guys! I personally know quite a few of them! Now, girl-guys are straight men, interested in women. They also have all the male body parts... the only thing they lack is some peculiar and necessary male thinking habits, which I can't elucidate properly... perhaps you'll need the girl-antennas to figure out what I mean here! And NO, I am not referring to the habit of lusting other women... because be it a guy or a girl-guy... they still own testosterone!! 

Anyway,

Why does being called 'fat' always bothers us? 

Maybe because girls have to be thin (not plump, not pudgy, not healthy... but THIN and LEAN) to be accepted by everyone! I don't know who started it... but now it's like the word 'Fat' sounds like an abuse to a girl, at times! I remember, till I was 17, I used to refer someone as 'fat' only if they were highly overweight or obese but as the years passed and my interactions with people increased, I've learnt that even if you are moderately out of proportion then you are freaking FAT!! 

But you know what... Screw you... Go eat yourself up and stop bothering me... I am fat and I don't fucking have a problem with that!!! 

We don't need anyone's acceptance, except our own! Often when people look at us scornfully, we start doubting ourselves (well, most of the girls do)... why do we do that?! However, sooner or later we do realize...we don't need to give a shit about it!

Right now, I am reminded of this song by Lady Sovereign, I enjoyed listening to few years back, that goes..

"Love me or hate me, is that an obsession

love me or hate me, that is the question

if you love me then thank you

if you hate me then fuck you!!"  

It's a fun song, you know! I really like it! ;)

Also, the movie 'Shallow Hal' is coming to my memory, at the moment... It is a good movie with a nice message... Somewhere I feel, all of us are just as shallow as Hal was before the climax of the movie...

And,

Sometimes, you call up a person, looking for warmth but all you get is a gigantic cold ice-cube! 

Sometimes, why is it necessary to hear the words we already know, from someone else?!

Sometimes, healthy flirting is fun! ;)

The Realm of Loyalty

"All men are dogs!", a very commonly used phrase... On which one of my girlfriend once said that dogs are loyal while men are an antonym to the word 'loyal'.
I contemplated about her comment for quite sometime and I discerned, dogs sure are loyal but only to humans. What about the bitches? They mate with them, knock them up and go away forever... This is a common trait found in human males too and thus the derivation of the phrase, "All men are dogs!"
(Now tell me, am I a thinker or not!!)

In the past two weeks, I've have stumbled across two absolutely opposite categories of MEN.
First category:  Who love and lust only their partner.
Second category: Who love their partner and lust other women.
The first category comprises of 2% MEN. The second category i.e. 98% of MEN are the ones on whom women generally tend to fall.

TESTOSTERONE, I guess every one would be knowing about these specific male hormones. Testosterone is the reason why men are ruled by lust and not love. It is true that sexual temptations are not easy to curb BUT is it easier to hurt the person, who loves you and thinks the world of you, for such materialistic and physical longings? I am too baffled... Are these hormones more stronger and more powerful than love and emotions?!

Speaking of sexual hormones, it's not that we women don't have them, it's just that the male species have an extra bunch of them. Infidelity is not really just a man's forte! I know women who have cheated, some did it for pure physical and sexual purposes and the rest for other reasons.

So, should I expect loyalty or not? By loyalty I mean both, emotional and physical fidelity. Is it really so arduous to live with and be loyal to one single person for your entire life?

I am all questions about this loyalty issue!! And, I know, I will never reach to a single answer for it!!
I had read somewhere, "Loyalty generates inequality and partiality, it means the outsiders cannot claim equal treatment with those who are objects to loyal attachment. The loyal attachments are formed on the basis of the bond you share with that person, the liking towards that person."  So, if the attachment or the likeness diminishes, the extent of loyalty also diminishes?! There was much more written in that article on loyalty, it is so darn complicated! 


My brain is feeling very heavy after mulling over such corpulent topics! I better stop thinking about it, as there cannot be a conclusion... I mean, I cannot stay single all my life contemplating about the fears of infidelity and neither can I live with the myth that a relationship is always loyal, so it's best not to over-think (or not to think at all) about such contingencies and conjectures! 
Living life as it comes, without thinking of past issues and future speculations, is the best and most difficult way to live and I am still striving to live each moment in this manner!!
(And, fortunately I never ever lose hope for betterment...)

On love and trust

Love is the most weirdest and overwhelming sentiment ever.  It’s the only magic that all the human beings can do. Love will always be one of those things that bamboozle me and amaze me at the same time. I am not talking about the love that you have for your parents, family and friends…it’s that “love”…so yaa ,I have read and heard that it makes you reach on cloud 25. It’s a beautiful feeling and the most powerful shade of happiness. But does it really last? Is it also temporary like everything else?

If love is really so short lived then why does everyone crave to experience it? Don’t they fear future deprivation? When it’s not there in the future or it vanishes away, what will you do other than spending rest of the life crying and mourning over it? And also is it really possible to love only one person for your entire life?

No, I am not against it but I am all questions about it since I have never had “that” feeling. This love seems really complicated and no one can ever understand its pros and cons without experiencing it. I most of the times feel that it just doesn’t exist. It’s either physical attraction or a crush or having similar thinking or maybe even a habit (like when u get used to or addicted to someone).

Now coming down to trust, phew this is the most dangerous and risky thing to do. I have always had a hard time trusting people. When you trust someone you are being totally vulnerable. That person has the full power and authority to hurt you profoundly and you can do nothing whatsoever. Also, love involves the highest quantity of trust, super risky!!

It’s just yesterday that I came across this quote, “Trust is like clay when you break it, it loses its shape and becomes amorphous, no matter how hard you try to win it back, you can never give it the exact same shape that it originally had”. It’s so so so so true!! I don’t understand, why is it so important to trust people but I would feel real bad if my close one’s say that they don’t trust me. No matter how perilous it is, you will always want people to trust you and in turn you will have to trust them. Trust is as complicated as love, isn’t it? Well, such are life diaries (lol...in terms of a very close friend).

Be it love or trust, I am not the risk taker; I am risk averse (as per the financial jargon). But as they say until and unless you take risk you will miss out on fun and joy. Maybe sometime soon in the future I’ll be the risk taker, for now I am already taking a risk blogging instead of studying so bye bye.