A fool never learns

To live in a society and not adhere to its ways, will give you the title of a rebel. Or a fool.

But for how long can you continue to be a rebel. Or a fool.

For how long can you sustain the fight.

I don’t know the answer. I am stuck between walking away from the entire set up and giving into their ways.

Well, no good thing comes without compromises and sacrifices. What I wish for also comes with a price.

Sigh...

I was a fool of a sort once upon a time. I used to think of myself as the creator of my own destiny. I thought if I worked hard enough to deserve something, I would earn it for myself. Because if you honestly desire something and sincerely work towards it, how can you not accomplish it? How can you not be victorious? 

I was taught by time, very little is in my hands at any given time. While I may work hard and set my heart at something, I need not be worthy of it yet. There will be times of helplessness. There will be uncertainty. I will have to deal with failures and deprivation of my reward without being given a reason. Because I will have no choice. Because there is a force much bigger than me, a power much greater than me that controls my destiny more than I do, if not fully.

I am a fool of another sort now. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much!

Listening to MTV unplugged - Arijit Singh

When someone surpasses your expectation. When their love and support goes beyond what you had anticipated. You are left speechless.
At one moment you feel overwhelmed, happy. At another, you feel they are just too good. So good that it makes you feel like a bad person, that it makes you hate yourself more.
The feeling that you don't deserve people like them in your life starts tormenting you.

So you mess things up sometimes, so what!
You also always find a way out of it, right?
And, if not, you simply stop bothering yourself with it by not giving a damn.

And...
Music is not just on my mind, but on my phone too now! Yay! So happy!

Also,
You... confuse me!

Clearing the clutter

When we do things that we shouldn't have despite of having knowledge of what the outcome of doing them would be.
When we say things that we shouldn't have because some secrets should be locked in that little box in your heart and never to be said out loud.
When you cannot forgive yourself for doing it all, saying it all.
When you cannot stop admonishing yourself for being the fool.
Take a moment, reminisce it all again and then say to yourself, 'Yes I made more mistakes, yes I know it was a big deal and I've been extremely faulty but now instead of thinking about it as a chapter of shame and regret, I shall think of it as a lesson well learnt!'

Sigh...

Rather than trying so hard to be a part of a group, you should try to be yourself because only that makes sense.
Then again 'Be yourself' gives rise to 'Who am I' and 'How do I be myself'...
To know this, we are breathing. I hope, I will be enlightened of it someday.

one by two

Office.
Sometimes its just us, we over-think. The other person is not always the bad guy.

People are not that difficult to deal with, we make ourselves believe that they are. I know, I too have umpteen times said that its not a cinch being around people rather being happy around them but eventually I always realize it never was a big deal.

Another thing that got me thinking was, whether to say it out or not?
For say, when having a conversation with a bunch of people, you have so many things in head that you can say but you choose to stay mum. How does it matter if you speak your heart?
Now, there are countless reasons why you don't say it but for how long will this continue?
There will be a time when you'll stop not talking, when you'll start being yourself. So why not do it right away!

I think I shouldn't have done it, that thing. But now, it's all said and done so rather than fretting about it, I should do something constructive.

Home.
Feel, speak, enjoy, love, live, cry, suffer, make mistakes, be outrageous, apologize, learn, discover yourself!
Now is what we have. Who knows world might really end on 21/12/12!!
Haha...
What if it actually does?

When you wonder about death, you realize who are the ones that truly matter to you and you would wish to spend more time with them before everything is over.
If believing in 21/12/12 helps you express your love to your loved ones, then you are not as stupid as people would think!

I love Mumbai. People here can be as sweet as bitter they are! Confusing naa?? That's how we are.

Adele-Skyfall. Love it like crazy!

P.S.: I wrote half the post at work but then I got busy so I saved it as a draft and now added more and posted, hence the title!

Complaint box

I need to get certain things off my mind in order to get back in-order!!

Note: These are things that are so petty that I do not feel like putting them in my diary and so this is the best possible way to get rid of all the aimless pondering and ANGER.

1. Enough with the drama!! Just leave me alone, will you?! I too feel bad even if I don't show it!!
2. When you talk bad... it still hurts... sometimes... Because there are certain things that one can never get accustomed to COMPLETELY, no matter how hard one tries... 
3. Boys are not the only topic that we girls can talk about! So please for heaven's sake, STOP!!
4. And, just because my friends are all dating doesn't mean I HAVE to see someone too!! I ACTUALLY am very happy being single and I do not understand why is it soooooo hard to gulp that in?!
5. To myself - Speed up!! FAST!!! Be assiduous and sedulous! 
6. To Mr. God - Help me to help me! *begging*
7. Beauty is not perfection! Some people need to comprehend that being good-looking does not mean you are above everyone else or average lookers do not deserve better than you!!
8. Being candid about your thoughts and opinions may seem to be a great thing when you are practicing it but when others practice it and start throwing their unwanted and unnecessary opinions on you... you'll know how "great" it really is!!
9. You are funny- HAHA!! Now shooo!
10. If you don't find me interesting then don't talk to me... it's just that simple! I really wouldn't mind even if you are a good friend!!
11. And... I've always believed that you need a break from every person in your life at some point of time, no matter how important or special that person is!! I do this... a lot.. I need my space.. now, is that soo bad?!
12. Yes, I can be a super bitch, at times... Deal with it or leave!!
13. I knew I had to face it... I was prepared...

And yet, I survived all of it, thanks to:

1. Mr. God
2. My stupid little brother [I love you!]
3. Music (Of course, duhh!!)
4. Food (Always!)
5. Finally realizing I was being stupid by even letting myself get bothered for the last 3 hours, for these silly thoughts!

*gasp*
*sigh*

P.S.: No comments or views or opinions will be welcomed here (unless they are expressly in my favor)!!

I'm just so sad...

I'm just so sad...

Why don't I get to do what I want to?
Why? Why?

Again,
even this is my fault!

Sometimes I feel it's better to be immature and self-centered, at least then you won't think about how the other person would be feeling and why they choose to behave like this and that they are completely wrong, whatever be the circumstances!!
I just somehow, in my head, figure out a way to not blame the other person for whatever he/she has done and then end up being angry at myself!

Aaarrrghh... I just can't concentrate on studies with all this running around me!!
*sigh*
Bah... I'll figure out a way (hopefully). After all, how many excuses am I gonna make?!

Anyway,
the truth is, if I would've done the right things at the right time, MAYBE none of this would be happening right now!

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Work-in-process

When you are being the bad guy, yelling and arguing while that little voice inside you is constantly asking you to shut up... but you just pretend as if you didn't hear it and continue being wrong, talking ill, which eventually results in a huge lump of guilt in your throat....

Anger is never good... Admitting is easy but eliminating it is certainly not!

Sometimes it just feels as though I am living a perfect life in an imperfect and erroneous manner.
It was easier when I was a teen, I used to blame God for anything wrong that happened with me, with my life...
But, as I grew up, I realized, He is not to blame, it's me... for this is not my life, this is a gift He's given to me, I'm the one who's not able to figure out how to deal with the gift... I cannot hold him culpable for anything as He's only responsible for the good things that have happened to me while me and my karma are responsible for all the bad things...
So since a few years, I actually have no one to pass on the blame... perhaps that's the source of all the anger generating within... but for how long??
Maybe, just as time taught me not to blame Him, it will also teach me to deal with all the anger...

I trust in You and no one can change that Mr God! :)
I may not be regularly visiting Your shrine... but I just don't need to because I know you are here... all the time; looking out for me! :*

And last but not the least,
Happy Independence day!
Yes, we still are a developing country, we still are struggling with immense poverty and corruption, we haven't bagged a gold in Olympics since last 3 decades... BUT there is something that has changed we are not as inert as we used to be towards the ills of the society, we are trying to search the answers, we have started pointing towards the wrong even if the wrong is someone sitting on the throne, we did bag 2 silver and 4 bronze medals and stood 55th out of the 83 participant countries and we are one of the fastest growing economies on this globe...
Desh badal raha hain....
I hope our great freedom- fighters up there would be happy to see that we are still fighting, fighting to be the best...

Standing at the brink...

Why is it so difficult to excel in anything?
Is there anything that I'm good at?!

I never pictured things to turn out like this, I never thought of me to become what I have become...

I need to invoke the power in me, only then things can work and life can start trudging, at least.

Will my quest ever reach its destination??
Because I am fed up now... I've never felt that before...

I am standing at the brink, there is no more farther to go. One more step ahead will land me in the deepest and the darkest chasm therefore I need to stop and tread backwards... but I still won't halt.. Why?

Inexplicably awful feelings...
I desperately need to outgrow all of this...

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

It's complicated... NAH!! It's simply me. ;)

Okay so, 'moving on' turned out to be having two faces. Which way should I take up and will it be right...? I have no clue but I have finally chosen and I'm gonna stick to that... It's just too hard to give up, not because I'm scared but because somewhere in my heart I still believe that I can... I just hope that I don't disappoint me this time...

Have I mentioned before how I hate choosing!!


"Just because I'm losing
 doesn't mean I'm lost
 doesn't mean I'll stop
 doesn't mean I'm across..." - COLDPLAY 
#loveit

Envy- is when you wish you were living someone else's life for that little moment...

It's not easy being yourself when you do not know who you really are....

And,
That moment when you realize... "Seriously, what was I thinking?? I never had a shot... and somehow I'm glad that I didn't!!"
Strange isn't it, I wanted something to happen so desperately for so long but it did not happen and so somehow I just argued myself into believing that it wasn't ever meant to be and now when I get to know that it can actualize, I mean there chances of it to happen... I don't want it anymore!
So what is it?
Is it my super convincing power OR perhaps, I was never really into it, ever... You never know...
But, as of now I'm sorted about it.

Life never fails to amuse you and the antithesis is that this is the best as well as the worst part about it!

'It's raining men' by Geri Halliwell- an all time favorite!

Complication has become my way of life now and I'm totally acclimated to it.
I kinda do it myself, though subconsciously. I guess, simplicity is just not my scene... And, I am more than okay with it!
 

trying... again...

When people are walking at a pace that almost looks like running and you are sitting on a cozy couch with a bowl of popcorn and looking at them... You can either sit back and brood about your situation or try to throw that bowl, get in your sneakers, brace up and get going...

It can get ugly when you realize you are the only one who believes in you.... And, after a while, you get used to it and stop giving a damn!

Concerned messages and phone calls seem worthless and needless...

Baby bird doesn't learn to fly because the mama bird teaches it to, it tries and tries until it really can only because it wants to...

It is not about what you should be, it is about what you want to be.
And sometimes, you just never realize when that "should" turns into "want"

Indeed, my enough wasn't enough....

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
 stand a little taller
 it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone..."  
(By Kelly Clarkson)


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!  

Rejected again

And, suddenly everything's falling apart...

How happy you feel when your work is appreciated and how awful you feel when it gets rejected twice in a row...

You start doubting your capabilities and dedication...




All you can do is hope, hope for things to fall in the right place. But doesn't hope give rise to expectations?

And expectation is the shortest route to disappointment. So, what should you do?

Some say why do you think so much? Well, those "some" should be interested in their own business and not mine because sometimes thinking, wondering, musing and mulling becomes ineluctable.

...........................

Ugh

Instrumentals-I love!
Listening to fatal attraction.

Deadline tomorrow- everything's pending!
Why? Why the hell do I HAVE to procrastinate every bloody thing!

Awful Mood- Various Reasons.

Met some old friends today... Friends, really??
To be true, they were more of a boring set of strangers.
Not going would've been a better option if I was given that alternative!

Spent a lot this week- Guilty!
Also ate a lot- Guilty again!

Have been hiding... myself, things, habits...

Losing the grip totally!

I have been truly and totally spaced out!

Fucked up! :S 

Hoping and hoping and hoping and still hoping.....

Why can't rationality and positivity go hand in hand, for once?!
If I am positive, I am being impractical and if I am practical, then I lack a positive attitude...


So how do I do this?
Should I be positive about the future outcomes and then accept whatever that transpires later? 
OR 
Should I practice a rational approach, stop weaving stupid dreams and living in denial and accept what might happen in the future, right from the beginning?
.......................
Jeez... I guess, I'll keep oscillating between the two, because we can never decide what we want to feel or think... maybe we try to curb those feelings when they erupt at first but we can never stop them from coming to life...


hmm....


A Jewish proverb, "I ask not for lighter burden, but for broader shoulders".


The other day, I was watching SNL and I saw this gig where Justin Timberlake was a bottle of beer and Lady Gaga played a bottle of wine.... I loved that gig and the way JT said "Bring it on down to liquorville" each time, was H-O-T!!


Things, people that you leave behind... and times when you wish you could still have them... Isn't it strange, when we can have it, we never want it and once it's gone and not available anymore, you feel as though you always wanted it... 
ABSURD is the word for us humans!

And, 
When someone suddenly gets the life you've always dreamed of... the exact same things happen to them that you happened to dream (or rather day-dream) to be happening with you... and now you are just a mere spectator to all of it... it leaves you stumped, blued, speechless and exasperated!!!
And then comes acceptance... which marks the beginning of your new set of dreams!!


I am becoming unhinged by each passing day.... DUDE, wake up and let bygones (really) be bygones!! 


Anyway just 2 days more and a different shade of craziness will begin... I wanted things to go well so that I would welcome this new phase with a HUGE smile... nevertheless, I can still manage an average smile ;)


'Hit the road Jack' by Ray Charles always sets my mood up! What a pep-up!

Not the time to cower!!

And the machine started working again :)

Mr God knew it very well that I need this now, so he decided to swing his magic wand and start my rickety computer! And also, Paa got a new spike-guard for it ;P

*sigh*

Gave my second exam today, it too dint go well, just like the 1st one! I so wanted this to be it! I am kinda stuck in this stolid elongated "study" phase... I know there are many others like me but that really doesn't help! 

I know I am stuck here, I know I am culpable for it, I know I myself will have to try hard and get out of here! 

*gasp*

I am so lost at the moment! Perhaps whatever did I was not up-to the brink. Perhaps some stones were still unturned, some pages were still unflipped... 

When the one who is to be blamed is you yourself... there are no words... seriously!

Nonetheless 6 more to go... Maybe things dint go well up until now but that doesn't mean I'm gonna sit back... I may have lost hopes but I am not gonna lose on the hard work... I'll continue with my efforts, though MY efforts are or won't be enough but that won't keep me back from trying... I don't know whether I will make it or not but certainly know I will not quit! At least not now!

It's getting arduous to maintain positivism... I have been a little negative since last 3-4 days but then when it comes to rationality, rigid positivism seems like denial... 

Anyway... whatever it is, it's not gonna wince me down... I will go on unflinchingly!!

Had read a quote long back, which was something like... Magic happens only when you believe in yourself...
I don't know how far I believe in myself but I know I am not quitting!!

  

Only if...

Dil Chahta Hai- :) :)


I like Palaash Sen. He has a great voice, an amazing sense of music, a cool personality, appears to be sensible (at least in his interviews) and he's also a doc!


Le jaa tu mujhe - a song that speaks to me.


"It's never too late to be what you might have been" - George Eliot
I had cold-creeps when I first read this quote... I don't know why?!
Maybe because I know I lack the gumption...


When you are craving for a heart-to-heart conversation and you also try to have it with your bunch but somehow you are unable to click. Then the annoyance that follows thereafter...


Just now, while having a conversation with a friend... I (rather we) discerned how people don't give out all the information. I mean, I kinda reveal out excess unnecessary things, about myself, when interacting with people. This has to be slashed down! But then, I've tried it before and it has never worked with me...So perhaps, now or in future...
You should do what you have to do..... Now only if I followed it!!!



"The more you take responsibility of your past and present, the more you are able to create the future you seek"  - Celestine chua 


Ugh... In a bizarre state of mind... feeling too antsy!! 


..................................................................................

The subject of matter

When in a sticky situation...at first, you fret about the fact that no one understands you and when someone actually understands... what happens next? What happens after getting an "I understand" from someone? Is the problem solved?
No, it isn't! You are still there. In the same place where you were before that person or anyone fathomed you. So how does it matter?! Really?
'No one understands me'... A statement that's void ab initio. Because, why should someone or anyone understand you, when their comprehension is actually worth a diddly and if it's not at all conducive to the situation! Rather than concentrating on making things better, we brood about no one grasping us!
But still.. we are humans (and I am no different)... we love to feel that no one understands us... so be it!


I've always done what I've wanted to do, be it right or wrong! I've always followed my heart (well, 98% of the times)... But when the heart is misleading you to do something that it knows is not good for you, in any possible way... the pleasure won't be worth the pain, at all... then it's advisable not to follow it! Certain times it is necessary to follow your brain! Because you have got to be rational, logical and practical, to understand the gravity of the situation! Life really has been a party (since quite sometime now)... but just like every other party, this one also has to be ended! Fun cannot be the only essence of life! I need to put a break to the 'My way or the highway' thing that I've been practicing!!

In both the above paragraphs... All that matters is the knowledge and acumen of the subject of matter in those situations!

Never back down is a nice movie. I quite liked it!
Stronger by Kelly Clarkson- Awesome!

Less than 2months left for the exams! I should be studying now! Mr God... Please, the 3D's... deliver them to me ASAP!!

Actually...

Sometimes when you truly start feeling that something good is actually here, things are really working out well and this is your time.... suddenly it turns out you were totally mistaken and it was nothing but a fake mirage!

Music- Always here to make things right for me! I love music. Can't do without it! 

Even now, it feels as though the beats are charging me up with optimism,when my heart is kinda sinking!

Doing wrong things, knowing they are wrong all through but still continuing to do them stubbornly BUT never actually regretting them, is what I always do. And strangely, I've accepted me like that! Again, I know it's wrong to actually accept such a way of life and continue doing it. But this is me now! Can't help it, really!!

"Nain parindey" from the movie Lafangey parindey... soulful!

"Grace Kelly" by Mika is one song that I loved years back, then I got bored of it and now again I like it!

"I tried to be like Grace Kelly

But all her looks were too sad

So I tried a little a Freddy, (ooooh)

I've gone identity mad!"

This song helps me feel more comfortable in my own skin, when I am bothered by the judgments and conjectures about me! Listening to it right now... and loving it!!

You know, they say that never let anyone else control your emotional buttons... but being a human it is not possible to do that unless you are some saint or a yogi or whatever! It's fine to be sad for a while. Why do people consider being sad as a bad thing? I mean, it's okay...only you should know how to change back to being happy!!

Also, sometimes it's better to keep your sadness and anxiety to yourself. Because when you open your heart about it to people and they don't say the words you want to hear, it only makes you more mad!!  

And YOU... better get out of the door! Hah... YOU don't matter now!! Actually, YOU never did!!!

You never know!

'Love song' from 50 first dates is one of those evergreen songs that will always be my favorite. I've been listening to the Adele version of it since a week. The wordings are so sweet and lovable that any voice can do nothing but enhance the beauty of the song but I still love the original one from 50 first dates!!


Yesterday, I was just checking out my blog (yes, I check out my own blog, I like to do that!) and I came across a post where I'd written about winter and instead of 'weather', I made use of 'whether'!! I was abashed at my mistake and edited it correct, immediately. Here I am, reckoning writing as my 'thing' and I do this! Even in an unconscious state of mind, I am not supposed to make such an inane erratum!!  As soon as I snapped out of my silly embarrassment, I started reminiscing about this one time when someone (not a friend really) made a similar error and I silently mocked that person, in my head. I shouldn't have ... It was just a silly mistake, a typo. You should never mock at someone's mistake... you never know, you might end up making the same mistake! 
When the person making mistake is not you, you react in a different manner but when it's you, the reactions change! Most of the times, we go easy on ourselves but if someone else does the same glitch, we make a song and dance about it! While sometimes we overly punish ourselves for silly bloopers! We can never treat us and others in the same way! We just can't! If we could, we would all be saints (the real ones of course)!


Also, You should never let a mistake serve as a basis for forming a conclusion about a person. No, in fact, why do you ever have to form a conclusion about any person?! 


And sometimes, you just want to stick those earphones deep inside and play the music as loud as you can so that all the thoughts, you don't want to think about but you still cant stop contemplating, go away!!


'Aisha' movie soundtrack is awesomely cool! 


When the person you've been trying to push out of your life, really goes away... the morbid feeling you get... what is it?? 
Maybe it's missing the shooing away game. Or maybe it's the fear and confoundedness of making a wrong move. Or maybe it's missing that person... Can you ever really know?!


'Miss Independent' is being played on the radio. I was crazy about this song once upon a time! 
"She's got her own thing,
that's why I love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time?
....
Miss independent, 
that's why I love her."  


I am still not doing it right and now, I am really scared! Maybe the fear will help now... I can do anything to make things work at the moment! Sigh... Bad habits... Why the fuck is it so darn difficult to get rid of them?! I mean, wanting and wishing to change them is just worth diddly! You have to friggin push yourself behind your limits!!  


P.S.: Admitting my stupid and ignominious spelling error wasn't all that easy! 

Vagrant thoughts...

And just when you feel like you are acing something, you see someone doing it better than you and you realize that you still have a long way to go.

Then, there are those things that you just cant be vocal about. Lay alone discussing them, just admitting them is itself not possible. Still, some where deep in your heart, you want to say it out.  

When someone says something good about you... Should you feel good about yourself? Or should you feel bad because you really don't think you are that good?

There are times when you land yourself in some sticky situations and you don't know how to figure your way out of it. There are certain things that just can't be reconciled and there are a few that you don't try to reconcile... All of us have got so many multiple personalities subsumed in one body. No one is restricted to a single color, we all have infinite shades of various different colors embedded inside us that keep changing invariably.

Selfishness is one characteristic that describes humans the best! Every goddamn one is selfish, even me... though the levels of it differs from person to person!
Tyra Banks is freaky! I love 'Everybody loves Raymond'.... it makes me smile even in the hour of grief!

And, there are people who have faced a million direful calamities and still they stand strong, with a smile on a their face... they make me feel how pleasant and easier life has been to me! Thank you God for that!

The moments, when you are surrounded by the most fathomable people in your life but you still feel no one understands or will understand and so it's better to say nothing... because sometimes it's only you who can understand you and no one else...

Those scars that are ephemeral and those that last till the end of time... Both prototypes teach you valuable lessons and then it all depends on you, for how long can you clasp these learnings.

Crankiness is never good. Some of them may bear your crankiness but then, be ready to face theirs!! Holding someone else culpable for things, only makes you more culpable. Emitting negativity does not make you lose your negative energy, it just adds to the count even more.

'Yun hi' - lovely and evergreen!
'Jiyien kyun' - sad but good!
Though I don't like listening to sad songs much but once in while, they're just fine!

At the sangeet practice (of my friend whose about to get married next week), one of her youngest brother-in-law, who's in seventh grade, played guitar and sang a few songs for us... Ohh Man, I was totally captivated!!
He played 'when September ends', 'Jiyien kyun' and 'Jo bhi main'...
There is nothing better than witnessing live music in a room filled with just handful of people!! I just loved it... his guitar sounds entered my ears and were running in my veins... the way I felt is inexpressible!! This is what music does... can't imagine my life without it!  

Vagrant = Me

Lastly, still relishing the cold. I am really gonna miss winter! It gives me a feeling of belongingness!