Viscous Virtual Circle

There is too much of everything. 

Too many movies and shows on Netflix.
Too many DIY tips & quotes on Pinterest.
Too many simple hacks on Facebook.
Too many food & dance videos on YouTube.
Too much art on Instagram.
Too many opinions on Twitter.
Too many diet plans on Fitness Pal
Too many answers on Google. 
Too many part-time businesses on Etsy.
Too much 'news' on Whatsapp.

I am not sure if I need so much. So many ideas, so many solutions, so quickly. Whatever happened to searching for answers and the joy of finding them?   

The world has become a weird place. 

Nothing I do is special anymore. Nothing I create is original, and if it is, it won't remain original 5 seconds after I 'share' it with the 'world'. 

I used to do it excitedly until a couple of years ago, not because I wanted to flaunt my skills but to reach out to the right audience and the right opportunities. Sometimes it has worked. And most other times, I just felt happy looking at some positive comments / likes. 

I don't feel like doing it anymore. I don't feel like being a part of this circus anymore! 
I still do post. Sometimes with the fear of losing what little I have managed to build after years of struggle with my writing & art (which still continues). And hardly ever out of a need to express.

What is it with people? Is your life empty? Why do you want to share all your feelings and experiences with others? Why do you want to express your opinions all the time? Is it because no one is actually looking, it's virtual and you can't see faces so it is easier to boast or to say your piece or to share your sadness or express joy? 

How many times when you meet people in a group do you actually try to let them know how you feel? Wait... may be this is what it is? You want to let someone know how you truly feel, you want someone to get it. 

But isn't it better to cultivate actual, real relationships in your life where a handful of real people will actually understand you, your thoughts, your intentions?
I mean I understand it takes more effort than just typing a post and hitting share. But the pay-off is wonderful. 

This virtual audience, I believe, doesn't give a fuck. A few comments, a few likes, a few follows, a few views, they won't fill up the vacuum.

Sigh... The world has become a weird place. There is too much of everything. 

The Day.

My colleague tells me I haven't been myself since past few days. She thinks I am un-physically absent.

I think, she is right.

They say, universe works in mysterious ways to help you get all that you deserve. And, all that happens is for the good. You only realise it eventually. Now good is not synonymous to happiness here. It is just good. Perhaps for this present life on earth. It is good because it teaches you somethings that you have taken birth to learn.

I am in a trance. It's a phase that reoccurs each time you become a spectator of your own life. And sometimes you simply can't help being so.
Feelings of helplessness and cluelessness grope you. At first, you try to rebel. Why should you accept it anyway? No logical reasoning seems to explain it. And, a tiresome battle begins. Between you and destiny.
But you were destined to lose. So you do.
And the thing about failures is, you have to accept them even if it kills you.

Today, I am undergoing a new batch of emotions that I never knew existed. It feels as though a funeral is being conducted inside me. Every cell is grieving over the demise of something.
While I wonder what that thing is, it's a happy day, a new beginning.



   

That copywriter chick - 8

So the not-so-new job of mine is taking a toll on my health.

The work is good. I am learning a lot a new things. It is satisfying. Well, at least to an extent.

The people are the problem. There are only negative vibes floating around. Talking ill about everyone you work with is a custom here. Belittling people is a tradition here. They all suffer with superiority complex. People use others for their professional benefit.

It is transforming me into someone I am not. I have lost my mental calm. The positivity and gusto with which I always begin my day have vanished. Smiling requires too many efforts.

If this was not enough, I learned that the experience I will be gaining from here holds very little value in the market.

There are too many things to pull me down. Going to work seems like a punishment.
This is not what I signed up for.
Sometimes I feel I should quit. Most of the times...

I have began to doubt my decision of taking up writing. Was it my passion or an escape?
Everything seems hazy.
I was so confident and happy about this job, my career growth, copywriting, advertising and everything. What happened then?
Suddenly I am not even sure if I want to pursue advertising anymore...

Listening to MTV unplugged - Arijit Singh

When someone surpasses your expectation. When their love and support goes beyond what you had anticipated. You are left speechless.
At one moment you feel overwhelmed, happy. At another, you feel they are just too good. So good that it makes you feel like a bad person, that it makes you hate yourself more.
The feeling that you don't deserve people like them in your life starts tormenting you.

Happy Women's Day! Really?

I saw a women’s day parade happening near Ghatkopar Station on 8^th March, around 4:30 in the evening. For the first time on that day, I could feel the spirit of International Women’s Day, and was pretty happy that ladies are coming out and celebrating womanhood. 

Just 2 days after women's day, it's 9:30pm, I am walking from a friend's place towards home, and a biker pulls over near me. He asks me for an address, I guide him. As he gets ready to leave, instead of saying thank you, the guys throws a disgusting, lewd comment and speeds away.

Girls will find it disgusting, but they won't find it surprising because all of them have faced this and even worse already. Guys, on the other hand, may not justify this creep, but will ask me to be more cautious and careful.

There is worst that has happened in the past so I am really glad that this guy did not touch me and simply left after the comment. But why even that comment? Why is it so common? Why should I take it?

I know, people will agree that it is unacceptable, but we women still have to accept it! We have no other option, do we? Eve teasing, molestation, lewd comments and rapes are all a part of our society now. And it not just resides in a single part or area of the society, but is scattered all over.

I have nothing new to say. It's all been said and done. Feminists have been voicing their opinion against this. Men, on the other hand, have been constantly displaying their annoyance towards women generalizing on the basis of these dirty acts of some males.

There is so much I wish to say. There are so many emotions gushing inside me. But I choose not to say anything anymore. At least, not at the moment. Because I know it will all fall on deaf ears. No one can help me. This is going to happen to me again. This has been happening and will continue to happen with my girl friends, my mum, my sisters, my daughter and all other women I know and do not know. I can't do anything to help them. I can't do anything to help me.

These safety apps, helpline numbers, pepper spray and other little weapons are not always helpful. The ogling won't stop. If you are a female, every of your body part will be minutely examined even when when it is convered with layers of cloth, and you cannot do anything about it. There always will be lecherous eyes lurking around. Deal with it!  

Times when you feel you are not passionate enough about your passion.

And, when you are not happy with the fact that someone, who is not all that important in your life, manages to be the master of your moods! 

Aaarrgghh... I hate this! 

When the inconceivable happens...

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey is an incredible number
"Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere 
Nothing scares me anymore."

In her shoes - the movie. 

..........

They fell in love years back. They were not perfect, but they knew how to love each other perfectly. Years went by. The love remained the same, grew rather. Until 'change' came.
He met new people, he saw a new shade of life, he loved it, he changed. Because he wanted to.
She still stood there. Watching him become a stranger. Hoping it to be a plain phase. She waited long.
He was a different person now. It was the same old her.
She was helpless. They were supposed to be together 'forever' and he had simply vanished. There was this stranger disguised to be him, but it was not him.
He's not a bad person. He's not wrong or culpable.
She cried, yelped, prayed, feared... It's over.


How do you trust anyone after something like this happens? How do you trust anyone after knowing something like this can happen?

Being a mere spectator to this is so saddening and perturbing. I can't gauge the intensity of the pain and hurt she would be carrying in her heart right now. And, that he would, I believe, will go through at some given point of time in future.

Love is an illusion. Togetherness is a delusion. I was right in believing so.
.......

When no one succeeds in comforting you.
When no one manages to get even a faint smile on your face.
When no one cares enough for that little moment.
When no one makes you feel loved and wanted.
It's time you stop fretting about it and be there for yourself.
Only you can love you the way you've wanted to be loved.


Eagerly waiting for the exit of October heat and the mystical entry of the wonderous wintertide.


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Trying to see the brighter side

Sometimes the glass seems half empty and sometimes it seems half full.
It's not the attitude you have invariably, it is the attitude you choose to have for different situations.

Vibes- I so believe in them

It's been three years that I've been into writing but somehow I still hesitate calling myself a writer

Somethings in life have to be bad, they just can't change because that's how Mr God wants it to be.

Too many things going on in my mind, regarding people around me. I wish I could set my anger free...

One should ALWAYS try to see the brighter side. That's what I've always believed and followed. Yes cribbing is allowed to a certain extent as that is normal I believe. But, I do look at the brighter side of life. :)

Also,
When you are single, you expect more from your "friends" and somehow even if they do as much as they can, its just never enough. That's why you should always have some other single friends around. And this is not just me, its an observation and was also a topic of discussion between me and a single friend. ;)

Expectation is a funny word.
But never forget to question yourself whether you are able to meet their expectations, before accusing them.

It was one of those black days today, when life seemed unfair and all the dirt from the past made my eyes burn.

There are times when you feel like what do they care about whatever you go through in life and then you realize that even if they do, it doesn't really matter. 

Clearing the clutter

When we do things that we shouldn't have despite of having knowledge of what the outcome of doing them would be.
When we say things that we shouldn't have because some secrets should be locked in that little box in your heart and never to be said out loud.
When you cannot forgive yourself for doing it all, saying it all.
When you cannot stop admonishing yourself for being the fool.
Take a moment, reminisce it all again and then say to yourself, 'Yes I made more mistakes, yes I know it was a big deal and I've been extremely faulty but now instead of thinking about it as a chapter of shame and regret, I shall think of it as a lesson well learnt!'

Sigh...

Rather than trying so hard to be a part of a group, you should try to be yourself because only that makes sense.
Then again 'Be yourself' gives rise to 'Who am I' and 'How do I be myself'...
To know this, we are breathing. I hope, I will be enlightened of it someday.

Exam postponed!

My last exam which was supposed to be tomorrow got postponed due to Balasaheb's demise. I don't know how I feel or how I should feel, whether I should be sad about it or relieved that I've some more time to study.
I don't know the date when the exam will be held next, that's not out yet.
Restless.

When you cannot do anything about the way things are turning out or perhaps you should've but you refrained from doing the same... anger is the only emotion you feel the most. You know the source of your exasperation but you don't know how to kill it. It just keeps augmenting all the time. I guess, the only way it can stop impacting you is when you get completely used to it; you should get so accustomed to it that the anger shouldn't matter anymore. But if you are someone who expresses anger then God help you!

One more night by Maroon 5- awesomeness!

Strange feelings...

Sometimes we just succumb into the social pressure!
Can't help it, I'm a human being and we are all SOCIAL animals... it's our primal characteristic!

Watched Barfi today. Loved it! Ranbir Kapoor just has it in his genes, he acts so effortlessly... I don't just love him because he looks smokin hot and cute at the same time but it is more because all the characters he's ever played, he's done his part so well that he's always had a long lasting impact on me!

38days to go! I'm in shit... submerged in it completely!!

Listening to 'Glad you came' by 'The wanted'... Super Song!

Complaint box

I need to get certain things off my mind in order to get back in-order!!

Note: These are things that are so petty that I do not feel like putting them in my diary and so this is the best possible way to get rid of all the aimless pondering and ANGER.

1. Enough with the drama!! Just leave me alone, will you?! I too feel bad even if I don't show it!!
2. When you talk bad... it still hurts... sometimes... Because there are certain things that one can never get accustomed to COMPLETELY, no matter how hard one tries... 
3. Boys are not the only topic that we girls can talk about! So please for heaven's sake, STOP!!
4. And, just because my friends are all dating doesn't mean I HAVE to see someone too!! I ACTUALLY am very happy being single and I do not understand why is it soooooo hard to gulp that in?!
5. To myself - Speed up!! FAST!!! Be assiduous and sedulous! 
6. To Mr. God - Help me to help me! *begging*
7. Beauty is not perfection! Some people need to comprehend that being good-looking does not mean you are above everyone else or average lookers do not deserve better than you!!
8. Being candid about your thoughts and opinions may seem to be a great thing when you are practicing it but when others practice it and start throwing their unwanted and unnecessary opinions on you... you'll know how "great" it really is!!
9. You are funny- HAHA!! Now shooo!
10. If you don't find me interesting then don't talk to me... it's just that simple! I really wouldn't mind even if you are a good friend!!
11. And... I've always believed that you need a break from every person in your life at some point of time, no matter how important or special that person is!! I do this... a lot.. I need my space.. now, is that soo bad?!
12. Yes, I can be a super bitch, at times... Deal with it or leave!!
13. I knew I had to face it... I was prepared...

And yet, I survived all of it, thanks to:

1. Mr. God
2. My stupid little brother [I love you!]
3. Music (Of course, duhh!!)
4. Food (Always!)
5. Finally realizing I was being stupid by even letting myself get bothered for the last 3 hours, for these silly thoughts!

*gasp*
*sigh*

P.S.: No comments or views or opinions will be welcomed here (unless they are expressly in my favor)!!

I'm just so sad...

I'm just so sad...

Why don't I get to do what I want to?
Why? Why?

Again,
even this is my fault!

Sometimes I feel it's better to be immature and self-centered, at least then you won't think about how the other person would be feeling and why they choose to behave like this and that they are completely wrong, whatever be the circumstances!!
I just somehow, in my head, figure out a way to not blame the other person for whatever he/she has done and then end up being angry at myself!

Aaarrrghh... I just can't concentrate on studies with all this running around me!!
*sigh*
Bah... I'll figure out a way (hopefully). After all, how many excuses am I gonna make?!

Anyway,
the truth is, if I would've done the right things at the right time, MAYBE none of this would be happening right now!

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

In the hole...

I am so annoyed at the moment!
No, I don't have a reason or maybe I do but it's not good enough!

It just vexes me that I can't be there! Ugh... this sucks. Big time.

And, people may blabber that they are here to support you... but truly that's just another statement!
You have to support yourself and that's only fair!!

Aarghh!!

You know, sometimes you just want certain people to understand that they are needed during certain times without having to say it to them explicitly, you want them to be with you or at least call you for that matter...  And it just perturbs you even more when they don't get it, when they fail to be there with you during those certain times...
But
None of them have been blessed with any kinda super powers that they would just come to know about your state of mind!
Moreover, there are good odds that they might be having a bad day themself and would be waiting for you to come and soothe them...
You know, you should never ignore the other side of the coin, not even in your worst days!

'The sweet escape' by Gwen Stefani, is what I'm listening to right now...
It reminds me of my sweet junior college days, when I didn't have a Smartphone (which means no music) and I used to be glued on to VH1 all day and this song used to be played on every hour! The first time I heard it, I hated it but then after watching it on TV so many times I ended up falling in love with it... it's still one of my best 'pep-up' songs!

I truly believe by going through a person's playlist, you can pretty much figure them out because music is the best way to express yourself (even listening to music is)...
But again, sometimes you hear some songs just for fun and not for what they mean... and that's why I conspicuously mentioned 'pretty much'.

It makes me so sad that I couldn't save me from falling again...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Standing at the brink...

Why is it so difficult to excel in anything?
Is there anything that I'm good at?!

I never pictured things to turn out like this, I never thought of me to become what I have become...

I need to invoke the power in me, only then things can work and life can start trudging, at least.

Will my quest ever reach its destination??
Because I am fed up now... I've never felt that before...

I am standing at the brink, there is no more farther to go. One more step ahead will land me in the deepest and the darkest chasm therefore I need to stop and tread backwards... but I still won't halt.. Why?

Inexplicably awful feelings...
I desperately need to outgrow all of this...

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

It's complicated... NAH!! It's simply me. ;)

Okay so, 'moving on' turned out to be having two faces. Which way should I take up and will it be right...? I have no clue but I have finally chosen and I'm gonna stick to that... It's just too hard to give up, not because I'm scared but because somewhere in my heart I still believe that I can... I just hope that I don't disappoint me this time...

Have I mentioned before how I hate choosing!!


"Just because I'm losing
 doesn't mean I'm lost
 doesn't mean I'll stop
 doesn't mean I'm across..." - COLDPLAY 
#loveit

Envy- is when you wish you were living someone else's life for that little moment...

It's not easy being yourself when you do not know who you really are....

And,
That moment when you realize... "Seriously, what was I thinking?? I never had a shot... and somehow I'm glad that I didn't!!"
Strange isn't it, I wanted something to happen so desperately for so long but it did not happen and so somehow I just argued myself into believing that it wasn't ever meant to be and now when I get to know that it can actualize, I mean there chances of it to happen... I don't want it anymore!
So what is it?
Is it my super convincing power OR perhaps, I was never really into it, ever... You never know...
But, as of now I'm sorted about it.

Life never fails to amuse you and the antithesis is that this is the best as well as the worst part about it!

'It's raining men' by Geri Halliwell- an all time favorite!

Complication has become my way of life now and I'm totally acclimated to it.
I kinda do it myself, though subconsciously. I guess, simplicity is just not my scene... And, I am more than okay with it!
 

trying... again...

When people are walking at a pace that almost looks like running and you are sitting on a cozy couch with a bowl of popcorn and looking at them... You can either sit back and brood about your situation or try to throw that bowl, get in your sneakers, brace up and get going...

It can get ugly when you realize you are the only one who believes in you.... And, after a while, you get used to it and stop giving a damn!

Concerned messages and phone calls seem worthless and needless...

Baby bird doesn't learn to fly because the mama bird teaches it to, it tries and tries until it really can only because it wants to...

It is not about what you should be, it is about what you want to be.
And sometimes, you just never realize when that "should" turns into "want"

Indeed, my enough wasn't enough....

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
 stand a little taller
 it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone..."  
(By Kelly Clarkson)


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!  

Sick, physically and mentally.

I feel so messed up at the moment for no freakin reason!
Feeling queasy, insane sneezing, wild running nose... :(

Mood swings!
Sometimes you want your friends to bear with you, be nice to you even when you act like a total bitch, understand you without you asking them to do so...
Results tomorrow, my tummy is churning badly! There's just too much pressure being imposed on me currently...
Mr God, I truly trust on you, I know whether negative or positive, You'll always be in my favor! ;)

What is it with people?! Every time before results they call and ask you if you are tensed about the forthcoming results? Duhh isn't it obvious... I mean, who is not anxious about the results, yes the level of anxiousness does vary. 

Especially when you are already behind time and the circumstances need you to be in action immediately, such stupid and unwanted concern gets too exasperating!   

Movies and books are the saving grace, I tell you..

Hoping and hoping and hoping and still hoping.....

Why can't rationality and positivity go hand in hand, for once?!
If I am positive, I am being impractical and if I am practical, then I lack a positive attitude...


So how do I do this?
Should I be positive about the future outcomes and then accept whatever that transpires later? 
OR 
Should I practice a rational approach, stop weaving stupid dreams and living in denial and accept what might happen in the future, right from the beginning?
.......................
Jeez... I guess, I'll keep oscillating between the two, because we can never decide what we want to feel or think... maybe we try to curb those feelings when they erupt at first but we can never stop them from coming to life...


hmm....


A Jewish proverb, "I ask not for lighter burden, but for broader shoulders".


The other day, I was watching SNL and I saw this gig where Justin Timberlake was a bottle of beer and Lady Gaga played a bottle of wine.... I loved that gig and the way JT said "Bring it on down to liquorville" each time, was H-O-T!!


Things, people that you leave behind... and times when you wish you could still have them... Isn't it strange, when we can have it, we never want it and once it's gone and not available anymore, you feel as though you always wanted it... 
ABSURD is the word for us humans!

And, 
When someone suddenly gets the life you've always dreamed of... the exact same things happen to them that you happened to dream (or rather day-dream) to be happening with you... and now you are just a mere spectator to all of it... it leaves you stumped, blued, speechless and exasperated!!!
And then comes acceptance... which marks the beginning of your new set of dreams!!


I am becoming unhinged by each passing day.... DUDE, wake up and let bygones (really) be bygones!! 


Anyway just 2 days more and a different shade of craziness will begin... I wanted things to go well so that I would welcome this new phase with a HUGE smile... nevertheless, I can still manage an average smile ;)


'Hit the road Jack' by Ray Charles always sets my mood up! What a pep-up!

When...

Times when you feel dead... Times when you wish you were dead...


When you feel umpteen emotions together running in your veins and the volume of those emotions is enough to implode all your blood vessels! And just then you feel simply nothing... 


When there are only questions... 


Why??


When you want someone to walk away forever, no matter how agonizing it is for that someone or even for you... just for the sake of your mind's limpidity...


'We're holding on, letting go' by Ross Copperman.... the song feels perfect at the moment....


When you've gone adrift and music still helps....
Can't live without it... 


................................................................


When nothing helps... when you abjure all help...


It's the same old roller-coaster feeling... when you know nothing and either you're emotionless or at the crest of emotions...


"Zombie" by Cranberries... because some songs never lose the magic.


...........................................................................
Overwrought and sentimentally nauseous