How far are you willing to go in love?

After the 'butterflies-in-tummy' phase has gone by. 

As far as it's beneficial?

As far as it does not change your individual value system?

As far as the compromises demanded seem reasonable?

As far as the risk taken seems worth enough?

As far as it makes you happy?

As far as possible?

As far as it lets you be with the person?

As far as it reassures that you will not die alone?

How far? 

May be you only know after you have reached that far. 

Until then you just walk. 

Age of Realisation or Realisation of Age

I have started realising why people keep wishing they could go back in time when they were younger & frivolous. As you grow up and begin planning about how and where you wish to see yourself in another 10 years, you somehow start losing the frivolousness and the audacity to follow your heart, your instincts. Every decision you take needs to be thought through. Every step you take has to be analysed. Every move you make should be calculated. And, all these stumbling blocks are built by us. We do it to ourselves, and apparently for ourselves. Suddenly, all those "Live in the moment"and "Carpe Diem" doctrines go out of the window. Because you are a mature individual now - a grown up. You look at life with a distinct perspective. You have to. After all, you have exhausted all the free lunches that you were entitled to.

I am 27 years old.
In India, a girl of my age is not considered to be young. I think I can't even call myself a girl anymore here. Because I am a "woman". However, I still feel like a girl, so I will anyway.
Time just flies away. Kids would earlier call me Didi (elder sister), but since a couple of years, they have started addressing me as Aunty. Perhaps my age is showing. Though I have observed, it's more often the parent of the kid who decides if I am a Didi or an Aunty. Not that it matters to me. It's just the way the society has been moulded. Out of 10, 8 of my friends, who belong to my age group, are married and from those 8, 4 already have kids or are about to give birth.

Isn't it all about choices you make in life?

Choices. Decisions. I don't like making decisions. The big ones. The perturbing ones. Ones that have impact on someone else's life too. I never enjoyed making decisions anyway. But now, because I am a "grown up", this task has become more arduous. The future, no matter how uncertain, glares at me with its eyes wide open, each time I think of deciding to do what I wish to and not what I have to.

I am certain 5 years later, there is going to be a paradigm shift in the way I look at life. I will smile and look back at the present me just as I am doing right now at the younger me.

A little lost.

For a rebel, nothing is worse than not following their heart and becoming a slave to their mind.

............

When you love doing many things, focus becomes a matter of concern. You tend to be partially absent everywhere you are. And that's the test, how well do you manage to strike a balance.

............

Music: Coldplay
Can't get enough!

............

Why is there a need to fit in?
Why do we inadvertently squeeze ourselves in the crowd only to be amongst them?
It might be hard to accept the difference and respect our own eccentricities, but it brings peace.
Acceptance always does.

Having said that, in a world hugely overpopulated with social animals, it's almost impossible to be exclusive. Existence of someone like yourself is certain. However, meeting them is a matter of chance.

............

Humans are so greedy. On accomplishment of a dream, they conceive another one immediately.
Is it really greed? Or just a hope to live further?
For what is life without the hope of... having something or being something or having someone or being somewhere?

.............

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Dots

The sky... what if someday it pulls me towards itself with a strong magnetic force. Opens its infinite arms and embraces me, engulfs me. I disappear. Completely. Within a moment.

Will it make them wonder?
Will it worry them?
Will it sadden them?

Yes. It will. But time will do its job and heal them all.

What will happen to me?
I will be lost.
May be in dark blankness
May be in bright emptiness.
No existence perhaps.
Period.
The end.
Silence. Forever.

No, I am not suicidal.
Just caught in a reverie.

...........

Your body is a temple. Treat it well.
Your indulgent mind is a monster. Tame it well.

...........

People come, people go.
You change. They change.
That's the law of the universe.

Every present has a past... and a future.
Past is a memory. Future is an illusion.
Present is what we have access to.
We can feel now. Only now.

............

A breath of fresh air.
A lingering hope.
A smile taking birth.
A piece of puzzle fitting in, perfectly.
An inspiration. A reason. A god.

...........

Do incomplete thoughts classify as thoughts?
Ummm... I think incomplete thoughts refrain you from looking deeper into yourself.
They are like.... ....................................... .......................................

Utopia

A land where perfection dwells. Where harmony thrives. Where peace flows with the wind.

I wish it existed. 

May be it does.  

If it truly did, would I want to inhabit it?

May be...

May be not... 

I have grown accustomed to this broken world of mine. I have gained much, I have lost little. There is a bond I share with it, which is  invisible and adamantine. No matter how hard I try... I cannot escape it. No matter how hard I try, I cannot convince myself to escape it. 

Sigh...

  

Perplexities

What if I close my eyes for a few flying seconds just to open them and find out that it's all an illusion. There are no local trains. There is no home, no work, no CST. The history of India, the world, the history of mankind was fabricated by my imaginative mind. What if the music that I listen to, that the world listens to is a figment too? Pen and paper never existed, and neither did the people I love and those I don't. What am I? Who am I? Will I ever know? Do I really wish to know or am I complacent with this illusion?

What is freedom?
I don't know.
Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes a place, a situation or a person invokes a strange kind of happiness within me, and I relate it to freedom. I say to myself that I feel liberated. But is it so really?

What is what? What is existence?
I don't know. Do I wish to know? May be...
Can I handle the truth? May be...

Today's playlist:
Invisible - U2
Ordinary love - U2
My way - Frank Sinatra
Every breath you take - The Police
Fly me to the moon - Frank Sinatra 

Inspiration can be a tricky thing sometimes. When you say somebody inspires you to be better, in a small corner of your head you place that person above yourself. You belittle your being. And sometimes that can have a negative impact on your mind.
Also, when you are inspired by somebody, you want to embrace some of their virtues. How does it differentiate you from them eventually? How do you differentiate yourself from all those who have left something on you and moulded you in some way or the other? Are we any different at all?

Hmm... I should just work. Too much to do...

The Big Bang

Yesterday when I was writing my journal. I realized a few of my Himalayan memories have faded away already. I don't remember every moment. I have forgotten the chronological order of the events that took place there.

I wish I could lock all those memories in a box, even the tiniest one, and reopen the box whenever I feel like going back. I wish all my memories could remain as fresh as a daisy, all my life. 

All memories? Would I really want that? 

Because there are painful memories as well and I don't think I would like to remember them. 

Good. Bad.

Happy. Sad.

Pros. Cons.

Black. White.

Odd. Even.

All things come in a pair. They are opposite but inseparable. Without one the other would lose its meaning. One is the reason for the other's existence. The universe seems clearly fathomable at one moment and utterly incomprehensible in the next moment.

Today's Favorite:

Bang Bang my baby shot me down - Nancy Sinatra

Parity. Disparity.

I just read a blog, which said, play with blaze of fire. If you burn yourself, it will heal. If you keep yourself from it, it won't leave.

And I couldn't agree more. I believe, making my own mistakes is better than sitting back without taking risks, contemplating what it would have been like if I followed my heart.

I never used to listen to myself. I only did what they said I should be doing. One day I heard a faint voice. It did not sound happy. It was not authoritative either. It sounded feeble but hopeful. I did what the voice said. It made them angry, but it liberated me. I was nonplussed. How could something that disappointed them, pleased me?
That faint voice was my heart.

All of us are different, what you want and what they want may not always coincide. This doesn't mean, you are wrong or they are right. Who decides right or wrong anyway? Everyone has their own perspective and postulations in life. Marjority lying in a particular direction doesn't make it the right one.

Today morning, while commuting I was reading The Oath of The Vayuputras, and I read a statement that is fastened in my head. Shiva, the lead character, says, 'There is your truth and there is my truth. As for the universal truth, it does not exist."

I don't know if the universal truth exists or not. What I do know is neither you nor me are blessed with the divine wisdom of knowing about its existence. All we can do is presuppose its reality, and that is what we do.

Anyway so,
I found a similarity in that page of the book, the words of that blog (one I mentioned at first) and my dogma. There is a parity in how the author, the blogger and I think. This reaffirms my another belief that all humans, no matter how different, are the same. We are all one.


Today's playlist:
Bittersweer - Ellie Goulding
Dil Cheez kya hai - Karsh Kale featuring Monali Thakur 
Chal Diyay - Zeb & Hania 
The monster - Eminem featuring Rihanna
I am what I am - Above & Beyond vs Pres Oceanlab 
Tornado - Tiesto vs Steve Aoki 
The other side - Bruno Mars (Cee-Lo) [My favorite of the lot] 

The difference... or distance?

When I decided to switch my career path, I lost one of the common factors in my friendship with some of my very close friends.
When they entered into a serious relationship with their new respective partners, I was truly delighted for them but now there was one more thing that differentiated me from them.
And now, as they consider marriage and life after it, I wish them the very best while also making an addition to the list that keeps us from being on the same page.

Yesterday, I was out with a bunch of people, not friends really. One of them, a well-accomplished lady, mentioned that her best friend has a child and it's been 2 years now. She has been trying for one herself since a long time now.
She said whenever they used to meet, all that friend had to talk about was her daughter. It had begin to become discomforting for her to be in her friend's company now. She was not envious, in fact, she was happy that her friend was blessed with a bundle of joy.
But, she wasn't able to empathize with that friend anymore. They weren't on the same page. Their priorities, their scenarios, their day-to-schedule, everything had changed.
So, she started distancing herself from that woman, not intentionally though. It just happened. They don't meet anymore.

As I was listening to her story, I wondered, isn't it really how I too feel for those close friends of mine? I couldn't get myself to say yes, but I did not say a no as well.

I also thought if they too feel so about this situation. But then, I refuse to believe they do because there's so much going on in their lives, in our lives, that they really wouldn't have the time to sit and contemplate about something as trivial as this. It's merely me over-thinking, as usual.

Sigh...

Sadly, this is not the first time I've been perturbed by this obvious feeling. It has been worrying me since quite some time now. So, it was not this lady's words that triggered this thought. It was always there. I was just scared to admit it to myself so bluntly.

Dad says, "You should do what everyone is doing in order to be a part of the society. You will be happy only if you start living your life like everyone else does, as only then you will be able to maintain your relationships. You can't just stand there while everyone else is taking the next step."

Do I have to? Really?
I am scared. I don't know what to do about it. I never thought 'peer pressure' could actually be so pressurizing.
Perhaps Dad is right...
But, is it something I want to do? 
  
Sometimes I wish, somethings would never change. But, we humans, we are all assholes, we are responsible for most changes that transpire and later brood about them.

Anyway, I shall leave it to the future. Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Time flows differently in everyone's life. Different phases occur to different people at different times. One cannot control it. And, it's fair. It's simply life.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

A final goodbye... to something, which could've defined me, in a way.

24

Yes, that's how old I am now.

Have I really grown up?
Have I learned all that I was supposed to and should have by now?
Have I given enough to the world yet?
Have I bettered as a person in all these years?

Listening to Lonely Girl - Above & Beyond 

There are so many questions meandering in my head right now. Along with them, there are insecurities and inhibitions as well. There is so much I want to achieve. There is so much I wish to do. And the clock won't stop ticking. Sometimes, I wish I could simply pause 'time' for a little while. Not because I want to savor a special moment or refrain from facing the coming moment, but because I need a 'time-out'... to stop the excessive rumination and stabilize my mind.

I remember reading somewhere that most people in the world fear happiness and love, and it's because they fear losing anything they have. I am no different. Today, I am scared to death of losing even an ounce of love that surrounds me.

I had also read once that all you have to do is be a good person and you won't lose on love.
Isn't easy, right? But, for the love of 'love' you can do that much. 

On a cold Saturday...

It's not a secret that winter is my favorite season, but I would still love to say it again that I love, simply love, winter!

This year, Mumbai is actually cold during winter!

Oh my my... how happy this chilliness makes me! :D

Anyway,
Those moments when you don't wish to feel about certain people in a certain way because you know that it's unfair to be so negative towards them. But, you still continue to hold those little grudges for that little while, and justify doing so by calling it normal human behavior. However, that excuse doesn't really help you from not feeling guilty about feeling negative about them... because, in your heart, you know you are being unfair!

Christmas is almost here! Yay! I have no special plans. Doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel special about it!

A Christmas shop at Bandra, Hill Road.

They had amazing decorative items and adornments in this little roadside shop. In fact, there were many hawkers also selling baubles and other cute things in Bandra. It was so Christmas-y and positive and blissful being there today, surrounded by the festive spirit. Loved it!

Also,
I don't understand why they call monsoon as the 'season of love and romance' when it should actually be winter! How can you not find this weather the most romantic, the most loving climate ever?
(Yes, love and romance are two very, very different things!)

Twitter is addictive! Very much.

Adieu bloggy doggy! See you soon. :*

So you mess things up sometimes, so what!
You also always find a way out of it, right?
And, if not, you simply stop bothering yourself with it by not giving a damn.

And...
Music is not just on my mind, but on my phone too now! Yay! So happy!

Also,
You... confuse me!

Planet of Naricissists

Many a times I feel I’m a narcissist. Then I wonder who isn’t. And then I realize, I’m defending myself by generalizing this behavior, which adds to my narcissism. 

But, coming to think of it, I still haven’t met a single person who is not a narcissist and does not wish to seek attention in some way or the other. I don’t know how not to be one amongst them, but I really want to.

Realization always comes easy. But, doing the right thing is always arduous.

Monsoon is depressing. Or maybe my mood is… Whatever, I’m not very fond of rains anyway!

Doodling is like meditation for me. It always helps. It may not impart any positivity in me but it does clear all the negativity from the head.

Yesterday night, I was randomly thinking how my life has changed, it’s like complete revamping. I’m happy with the way it is right now. I’m happy that I learned to follow my heart. I’m happy that I’m doing it my way. I’m happy there won’t be any more blaming-others. The successes and failures will be completely mine. My life is completely mine.  No, this is not called being narcissist, it is called being alive.

It was all going good until last week. This week was very off.

Anyway... I'm sure days will get better.

Back-bitching, eh?

Is there a person in your life, for whom you haven't spoken badly behind their back?
Have you told them all that you felt about them, when you were annoyed at them?
There's no lies between you?

What led me thinking about this, if you ask... I got introduced to some "bitching" done by a friend recently.
Human tendency, you see. You don't like someone, you will want others to understand why you don't like them and join the hatred club, just to feel better. More importantly, to feel right!

So, is there anyone in my life I've never really spoken ill about to others but them?
Yes, two people. My baby and a friend, maybe because they understand my intentions more than my behavior, which no one else does. That doesn't mean we don't fight or argue.

Point to be noted.
One should always have that one person in life who will understand their intentions more than their behavior. These people know the real you. But, the worst thing to do to them will be taking them for granted. Then again, the best part about them, they will still understand and keep no malice in the heart.

So, does it mean that others are not as important in your life, or you in their's?
No, importance is still there, it's the understanding and trust that lacks behind.

Uff... Trust? Again, really?
I think, I'm over-doing it!
I'm obsessed with the word and at the same time, with its existence in the real world!

P.S.: One should still not trust ANYONE with their real secrets. If you already have, then be ready to have certain regrets (like me).