Perplexities

What if I close my eyes for a few flying seconds just to open them and find out that it's all an illusion. There are no local trains. There is no home, no work, no CST. The history of India, the world, the history of mankind was fabricated by my imaginative mind. What if the music that I listen to, that the world listens to is a figment too? Pen and paper never existed, and neither did the people I love and those I don't. What am I? Who am I? Will I ever know? Do I really wish to know or am I complacent with this illusion?

What is freedom?
I don't know.
Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes a place, a situation or a person invokes a strange kind of happiness within me, and I relate it to freedom. I say to myself that I feel liberated. But is it so really?

What is what? What is existence?
I don't know. Do I wish to know? May be...
Can I handle the truth? May be...

Today's playlist:
Invisible - U2
Ordinary love - U2
My way - Frank Sinatra
Every breath you take - The Police
Fly me to the moon - Frank Sinatra 

Inspiration can be a tricky thing sometimes. When you say somebody inspires you to be better, in a small corner of your head you place that person above yourself. You belittle your being. And sometimes that can have a negative impact on your mind.
Also, when you are inspired by somebody, you want to embrace some of their virtues. How does it differentiate you from them eventually? How do you differentiate yourself from all those who have left something on you and moulded you in some way or the other? Are we any different at all?

Hmm... I should just work. Too much to do...

You vs You

When you become your own enemy. When your mind starts weaving terrible nightmares and plays nasty games with you. When you know what is and what is not. but you cannot stop thinking. When you know it all - the cause, reason, effect and ramifications - and you still fail to convince your mind to stop the incessant torture.

I suppose, sometimes there is no escape. And we have to face the demons residing within us. Fight them.
You loathe yourself for being so unfair... to the people around you and to yourself. It's ugly, this war, this unrest, this chaos.
It's ugly and unnerving and insane. But you have to do it... for yourself, for your people. Because at the end, you know, these demons are not real. They are mere figments of your oppressive imagination.

Sigh...

It's funny... the relationship you share with yourself. It's the most mysterious one, the most enlightening one. 

That copywriter chick - 8

So the not-so-new job of mine is taking a toll on my health.

The work is good. I am learning a lot a new things. It is satisfying. Well, at least to an extent.

The people are the problem. There are only negative vibes floating around. Talking ill about everyone you work with is a custom here. Belittling people is a tradition here. They all suffer with superiority complex. People use others for their professional benefit.

It is transforming me into someone I am not. I have lost my mental calm. The positivity and gusto with which I always begin my day have vanished. Smiling requires too many efforts.

If this was not enough, I learned that the experience I will be gaining from here holds very little value in the market.

There are too many things to pull me down. Going to work seems like a punishment.
This is not what I signed up for.
Sometimes I feel I should quit. Most of the times...

I have began to doubt my decision of taking up writing. Was it my passion or an escape?
Everything seems hazy.
I was so confident and happy about this job, my career growth, copywriting, advertising and everything. What happened then?
Suddenly I am not even sure if I want to pursue advertising anymore...

The voice?

The voice that comes from within. The one that has a faint texture. And speaks your instinct and intuition. The voice that is you, your soul. 

How do you know if it is that voice helping you to make a decision or it is the opinions of others or the demand of the situation? Or is it just the random flow of occurrences that has forced you to take a step without calculating anything?

How do you know?

Maybe you never know...

It will be whatever you choose to believe. 

This year has been a joyful and exhilarating ride so far. A season of newness. A chapter with too many twists and turns. 

Today's Playlist:

Phir Le Aya - Arijit Singh

Phir Se Ud Chala - Mohit Chauhan

Peekaboo - Coke Studio

Pataka Guddi - Jyoti and Sultana Nooran

Pardesi - Amit Trivedi

Time will tell.

Decisions. I still don't like them. 

How do you decide that you will be doing something for the rest of your life? It feels like prison. Despite the fact that I have picked a prison of my own choice, it still is a prison. I don't want it. I don't want to be imprisoned. I am not meant for those shackles. Those chains, they don't belong to me. 

I feel suffocated. I want to fly away. To a place far far away. Just by myself.

As an afterthought, it occurred to me that maybe what I reckon to be a decision, is not a decision after all. Perhaps it is an occurrence that was destined to transpire. And maybe what I perceive to be as chains that will pull me back or limit me, are wings that will help me fly higher. 

Maybe...

I cannot know now...

Time will tell. 

I think I will choose to believe in the latter. There, I made yet another decision. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much! 

Don't answer!

How do you know you really feel what you think you feel?
How do you know if this is how you should be feeling?
How do you know you are not making a mistake?
What if you are making a mistake?
How fast is too fast?
Who tells you?
How do you know?
Is there a pattern in relationships? If yes, why? If no, why not?
Why do we want to know what the future holds?
Why can't we forget the past?
Why can't we trust?
Why do we need to make decisions?
Why is decision making an arduous task?
Why?
Why does right feel wrong?
Why does wrong seem right?
Why do we have to choose one?
Why can't we live without inhibitions?
Why do we overthink?
Why do we think at all?
Why do we care?
Why can't we live in the present only?
Why can't we be happy when we are meant to be happy?
Why are we afraid to lose that happiness?
Why the greed?
Why do we act immature?
Why the foolishness?
Why so many questions?

Aarrgghh!

Best things happen to you when you least expect them while secretly wanting them to happen in a corner of your heart. :)

I am still an overthinker and will always be one. 

The future worries me. The circumstances in the future concern me.

I am not sure if I am ready to face them yet. 

Someone told me I should live only in the present. That's not me. No matter how much I try, I cannot just live in the present. A small part of me still dwells in my past and another small one constantly tries to peep into the future while the rest of me blissfully enjoys the present. 

Anyway,

I would like to believe, epic beginnings never have an ending.  

Current Playlist:

Magic - Colplay

When you say nothing at all - Notting Hill

Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

Alchemy - A&B

Jiya Lage na - Coke Studio (Shankar Mahadevan)

Locha-E-Ulfat - 2 States

Gustakh Dil - English Vinglish

I am in the fairytale phase of life! 

I have a feeling, I might like the rains this year. ;) 

That copywriter chick - 5

It has been a month since I did any advertising writing.
I have been going to office and doing what is needed there, but the work is barely challenging and scarcely creative.
Also, travel writing has been eating up all my time but I'm happily doing it.

I feel I am being unjust towards the copywriter within me, she is being deprived of doing what she loves to do.

I need to strike a balance between travel writing and copywriting as only by pursuing both can I be happy and satisfied. I know myself, I will get bored by doing just one thing for a living. Variety is something that a person like me cannot survive without. And perhaps that's why I chose to be a writer. It gives me the liberty to do different things, to learn different things,  to create different things, to be a different person each time.

I fear completely losing the balance sometimes.
I also doubt if I really want this - copywriting - sometimes.
The doubt scares me. I wonder if it stems out of the frustration and fear of failing or is it my subconscious mind giving me a message.
I like to believe the former. I love copywriting. I really do and I want to learn it well. I don't like me being uncertain about it, not even sometimes.

Anyway,
The AC at my workplace broke. Due to excessive heat, thin hair on our skin had burnt and the skin was about to melt, just then an office boy got a pedestal fan and placed at the centre of our crammed studio. The fairly cool air that it heaved felt like such a luxury.
Oftentimes, we forget to appreciate the luxuries that we relish on a daily basis, such breakdowns are small reminders of their undervalued existence.

Today's playlist:
Shedding skin - Karsh Kale
Khwabon ke parindey - ZNMD
Young and beautiful - Lana Del Rey
Born to die - Lana Del Rey
Kinare - Mohan Kanan
I can't make you love me - Ester Dean

I will...
Because I dream so much.

Sometimes uncertainity is good.

There really are no free lunches in life.

I can see months of uncertainity coming up, and I am glad for them.
It is better to have that thin ray of hope than having nothing at all. So I am happy, and more than that, charged up to do some mindblowing work.

It is so important that you learn a few ways of motivating yourself. 

  

The difference... or distance?

When I decided to switch my career path, I lost one of the common factors in my friendship with some of my very close friends.
When they entered into a serious relationship with their new respective partners, I was truly delighted for them but now there was one more thing that differentiated me from them.
And now, as they consider marriage and life after it, I wish them the very best while also making an addition to the list that keeps us from being on the same page.

Yesterday, I was out with a bunch of people, not friends really. One of them, a well-accomplished lady, mentioned that her best friend has a child and it's been 2 years now. She has been trying for one herself since a long time now.
She said whenever they used to meet, all that friend had to talk about was her daughter. It had begin to become discomforting for her to be in her friend's company now. She was not envious, in fact, she was happy that her friend was blessed with a bundle of joy.
But, she wasn't able to empathize with that friend anymore. They weren't on the same page. Their priorities, their scenarios, their day-to-schedule, everything had changed.
So, she started distancing herself from that woman, not intentionally though. It just happened. They don't meet anymore.

As I was listening to her story, I wondered, isn't it really how I too feel for those close friends of mine? I couldn't get myself to say yes, but I did not say a no as well.

I also thought if they too feel so about this situation. But then, I refuse to believe they do because there's so much going on in their lives, in our lives, that they really wouldn't have the time to sit and contemplate about something as trivial as this. It's merely me over-thinking, as usual.

Sigh...

Sadly, this is not the first time I've been perturbed by this obvious feeling. It has been worrying me since quite some time now. So, it was not this lady's words that triggered this thought. It was always there. I was just scared to admit it to myself so bluntly.

Dad says, "You should do what everyone is doing in order to be a part of the society. You will be happy only if you start living your life like everyone else does, as only then you will be able to maintain your relationships. You can't just stand there while everyone else is taking the next step."

Do I have to? Really?
I am scared. I don't know what to do about it. I never thought 'peer pressure' could actually be so pressurizing.
Perhaps Dad is right...
But, is it something I want to do? 
  
Sometimes I wish, somethings would never change. But, we humans, we are all assholes, we are responsible for most changes that transpire and later brood about them.

Anyway, I shall leave it to the future. Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Time flows differently in everyone's life. Different phases occur to different people at different times. One cannot control it. And, it's fair. It's simply life.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

A final goodbye... to something, which could've defined me, in a way.

24

Yes, that's how old I am now.

Have I really grown up?
Have I learned all that I was supposed to and should have by now?
Have I given enough to the world yet?
Have I bettered as a person in all these years?

Listening to Lonely Girl - Above & Beyond 

There are so many questions meandering in my head right now. Along with them, there are insecurities and inhibitions as well. There is so much I want to achieve. There is so much I wish to do. And the clock won't stop ticking. Sometimes, I wish I could simply pause 'time' for a little while. Not because I want to savor a special moment or refrain from facing the coming moment, but because I need a 'time-out'... to stop the excessive rumination and stabilize my mind.

I remember reading somewhere that most people in the world fear happiness and love, and it's because they fear losing anything they have. I am no different. Today, I am scared to death of losing even an ounce of love that surrounds me.

I had also read once that all you have to do is be a good person and you won't lose on love.
Isn't easy, right? But, for the love of 'love' you can do that much. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today I feel like creating something very beautiful, something that comes straight from the heart.


Cecilia Ahern writes magical stories. I love her writing. Of what books I've read, she always elaborates the sadness and melancholy of the characters in the story so well that despite the happy ending, I still cannot get over those tragedies. Her stories are all heart-breaking at some point and that's the beauty of it.

I can't make you love me- Ester Dean
Fade into Darkness- Avicii
Alive- Superchick

Happy birthday bloggy doggy! Time flies and you never realize that, most of the times. And, on a day like this, it suddenly strikes you, how far you have traveled along with time.

Too many inhibitions have surrounded me. I don't know whether I should be trusting me, my heart... but then there ain't another option.

I loved the google doodle for today. Its damn cute!

 Lastly, Happy Valentine's day! :)

fear of regretting

We all think about the future outcomes of our current decisions. Sometimes a little too much.
One of my very close persons is haunted by the future. She is afraid she might have to regret over the decision she has taken now. It was not easy for her but she gathered the courage to make a decision and to stick to it but the 'what-ifs' are not letting her breathe in peace.

The fear of regretting is not easy to deal with.

Why do we always think too much?
Why are we always worried about what is to come?

I know why... everyone knows... its just hard to implement at times.

Hope is the only thing that helps you deal with things, with life.

Barney Stinson- I do like the character but somehow I'm not as mesmerized by his personality as everyone else around me has been.

Maroon 5's 'One more time' is playing in my head.
'Try' by Pink is another awesome number.
   
Watching Crazy beautiful  now.

What's New?

When you meet new people, you connect real good with some of them while you don't click with the rest.
New people come in life with a new set of expectations. I'm not talking about what they would be expecting from you, I'm speaking of the expectations you will build up in your mind.
Its very important to know how to detach yourself from certain people, things, situations. To lead a happy life one has to learn how to detach.

Living in the moment.

Everything fades away - Poets of Fall 

Suddenly life has started running at a jet speed, it feels as though I'm losing some of the very important things. in the meanwhile. I hope its only a feeling and not actual.

Yesterday while I was returning home in a BEST bus, a lady was being troubled by a lecherous creep. I was sitting on the seat ahead of her so I couldn't see what was happening. Suddenly this guy standing near my seat started abusing that creep very badly. It broke my sleep and I had no clue what was happening, then of course I came to know when others also yelled and abused the creep and threw him out of the bus. What was appalling, the lady never uttered a word, she was simply sitting there and letting this asshole touch herself! If women keep taking it all, staying mum in fear, they are not worth any sympathy. Sexual harassment will keep on happening. When you don't speak up, it leads to consent because silence can be interpreted in any way. And, not always, will there be someone who will fight for you!

  

one by two

Office.
Sometimes its just us, we over-think. The other person is not always the bad guy.

People are not that difficult to deal with, we make ourselves believe that they are. I know, I too have umpteen times said that its not a cinch being around people rather being happy around them but eventually I always realize it never was a big deal.

Another thing that got me thinking was, whether to say it out or not?
For say, when having a conversation with a bunch of people, you have so many things in head that you can say but you choose to stay mum. How does it matter if you speak your heart?
Now, there are countless reasons why you don't say it but for how long will this continue?
There will be a time when you'll stop not talking, when you'll start being yourself. So why not do it right away!

I think I shouldn't have done it, that thing. But now, it's all said and done so rather than fretting about it, I should do something constructive.

Home.
Feel, speak, enjoy, love, live, cry, suffer, make mistakes, be outrageous, apologize, learn, discover yourself!
Now is what we have. Who knows world might really end on 21/12/12!!
Haha...
What if it actually does?

When you wonder about death, you realize who are the ones that truly matter to you and you would wish to spend more time with them before everything is over.
If believing in 21/12/12 helps you express your love to your loved ones, then you are not as stupid as people would think!

I love Mumbai. People here can be as sweet as bitter they are! Confusing naa?? That's how we are.

Adele-Skyfall. Love it like crazy!

P.S.: I wrote half the post at work but then I got busy so I saved it as a draft and now added more and posted, hence the title!

'The missing piece' or rather 'The missing peace'

Hair-cut and shopping - Life's good!
I feel beautiful today! :D

With so many positive things happening around, I should be feeling ecstatic but why do I feel like something is missing... What is it that is wrong?
Perhaps I'm so used to having something going amiss with me that when everything's perfect, I'm not able to gulp it in.
Or
There really is something missing...
I know, not going to Goa sucks but I've overcome that  now so that's not the subject of my anxiety.

Sigh...

I'm stupid!

Locked out of heaven - Bruno Mars
Jiya re - Neeti Mohan (JTHJ)

I reminisce, a few weeks back I was thinking, the ones who stand by your side, even during the moments when you hate them, are the ones who really and truly love you. But then, I discerned that these people still love you because you never showcased your hatred expressly, you either abhorred them inwardly or behaved a little cranky with them at times.
The truth is, No one can stand you, when you start behaving the way you feel, no matter how special or important you are to them!

Exam postponed!

My last exam which was supposed to be tomorrow got postponed due to Balasaheb's demise. I don't know how I feel or how I should feel, whether I should be sad about it or relieved that I've some more time to study.
I don't know the date when the exam will be held next, that's not out yet.
Restless.

When you cannot do anything about the way things are turning out or perhaps you should've but you refrained from doing the same... anger is the only emotion you feel the most. You know the source of your exasperation but you don't know how to kill it. It just keeps augmenting all the time. I guess, the only way it can stop impacting you is when you get completely used to it; you should get so accustomed to it that the anger shouldn't matter anymore. But if you are someone who expresses anger then God help you!

One more night by Maroon 5- awesomeness!

Desirous

There is so much I want to do,
There is so little time left.

I wish I knew things previously.
If I would, would I be any different from what I am?

Exploration may not always lead towards the goal
But it does most of the times.

The fear of not making it is always daunting
So should I sit back and not try at all?

Perhaps I don't have it me
But that doesn't mean I never will!

How can I not hope,
When hope is the only way to survive!

How should I not dream,
When dreaming is the reason I'm alive!

There is so much I want to do,
There is so little time left.

I guess...

The big big bang by Rock Mafia - LOVE IT!

If you think that you can get us anytime you want... you are highly mistaken!! We know to stand for ourselves and we aren't scared or ashamed of doing so!! - To all those jerks who take us women as weak objects!

Some old connections losing the shine and some new ones coming into picture... Is it a phase or that's how its supposed to be?
Only time will tell...

Today I was feeling like I should try to reconnect with a few very old friends, who haven't been in touch for months now but I did not get the time to do so... I guess, the feeling was not strong enough to make me take some time out for reconnecting.

25 days left for the exams. Not a good feeling.

I always enjoy listening to All I want is you from the movie Juno.

Priorities. Funny word. It changes its meaning every now and then. Meaning and not definition.

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen has been consistent on my playlist for weeks now...
'....Hey I just met you 
and this is craxy
but here's my number 
so call me maybe

It's hard to look right 
at you baby 
but here's my number 
so call me maybe...'

Whenever I'm asked to choose who's right and who's wrong out of two friends who are having a disagreement or out of my mom and my brother when they fight, it's just so hard, I can never decide or rather I can but I don't know how to tell the wrong one (as per me), they are wrong.
Sigh...
Mr God how do you do it all the time?! Your job is tough, indeed. Being the decision maker is never easy, not even if you are God.

That reminds me, I wanna watch 'Oh my God' but I guess, that'll be only after my exams now.

And,
Abbreviating the film name was started by the Johars I guess. DDLJ K3G KANK, etc. and now SOTY for 'Student of the year'! Although all film-makers do it now.

Listening to Payphone by Maroon 5, I don't like it that much though.

Damn, this "October heat" is killing me!

And lastly,
You have just lost it. I never thought you would. Bah... I over-estimated you and under-estimated me. Haha... Nonetheless, it's just good to know that I really did learn that lesson in the past and am carrying it with me. Yes, it wasn't easy back then but that was long time back and I realized how it was all planned by Mr God just so that I could have my little epiphany. Now, the time has changed... I always thought you had changed but... I don't know about you, I surely have... for good. It was a disorder, I maybe still having it but it's under the surface and I'm gonna try to hide it there for the rest of my life cause it's certainly not easy to get rid off once it shows up.

P.S.: The post is titled 'I guess...' because of the frequent usage of this expression in here. 

Missing on me-time

Times when you've been feeling extremely thoughtless... No matter how hard you try to bring up something to think about in your head, you just can't!
And, for a person who loves pondering over stuff... these are not the 'good' times!

There are times when you want to be around your friends and feel that warmth...
And, those times when you want no one around, you are simply happy being with yourself...

Listening to 'Here is a heart' by Jenny Owen Youngs...

I'm really awestruck by people who know what they want in life, from life. They don't realize how cool it is to have their goals set! I mean most of us are totally clueless about every little thing, not being in the 'nonplussed' category is something to be proud of... But then, as they say, you never value anything you have.

sigh

You know, I'm getting that feeling... when you are standing on one side of the highway, waiting to cross but all the automobiles are racing at such a pace that you just have to stand there looking at them and at that opposite side of the road...
There's no reason attached... it's just how I feel at the moment...

'Jao naa' from 'What's your rashee' - an all time favorite.

Being around too many people for long always does this to me... Perhaps, it's because I don't get much of 'me-time' now-a-days...

Grey's Anatomy- New addiction. Stress buster. Me-time. :)