You vs You

When you become your own enemy. When your mind starts weaving terrible nightmares and plays nasty games with you. When you know what is and what is not. but you cannot stop thinking. When you know it all - the cause, reason, effect and ramifications - and you still fail to convince your mind to stop the incessant torture.

I suppose, sometimes there is no escape. And we have to face the demons residing within us. Fight them.
You loathe yourself for being so unfair... to the people around you and to yourself. It's ugly, this war, this unrest, this chaos.
It's ugly and unnerving and insane. But you have to do it... for yourself, for your people. Because at the end, you know, these demons are not real. They are mere figments of your oppressive imagination.

Sigh...

It's funny... the relationship you share with yourself. It's the most mysterious one, the most enlightening one. 

Insecurities. I don't like them. Therefore I turn my back as I see them racing towards me.
The only way one could get rid of them is by conceding them in front of the person concerned. Or maybe to a confidante.
If you don't blurt it out, it keeps swelling until it becomes a monstrous blob of negativity. 

Bothered.

Yesterday, I tore a page from my notepad and wrote some very personal things on it with the intention of taking it home and sticking it in my personal diary.
I made the silliest mistake of forgetting that piece of paper in my office and a colleague read it.
I feel naked.
These were the thoughts that I never wanted anyone to know and now a stranger is in knowledge of it. I feel awful. My innermost feelings are known to a person whose existence barely matters to me.
I should have been careful.
Sigh...
We are so scared of showing our true self, of having no secret thoughts, of everyone knowing what we are really feeling. Maybe it is the judgements that we are scared of. More than the opinions of others, we are unable to deal with the opinions we have for ourselves.
Can we ever be free from these opinions?

And...
Times when you feel you are losing connection with the ones who mean a lot to you. And when they don't really bother to make you feel wanted and loved. Because they are unaware of your foolish thoughts.
When you are so full of insecurities that it makes you feel abandoned. It is not true and you know it, but you still want them come shower you with love and show that you are important.
This never happens though. Eventually, you move on from this feeling. No one comes to your rescue.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

PS: If nothing, you always have music. :)

Don't answer!

How do you know you really feel what you think you feel?
How do you know if this is how you should be feeling?
How do you know you are not making a mistake?
What if you are making a mistake?
How fast is too fast?
Who tells you?
How do you know?
Is there a pattern in relationships? If yes, why? If no, why not?
Why do we want to know what the future holds?
Why can't we forget the past?
Why can't we trust?
Why do we need to make decisions?
Why is decision making an arduous task?
Why?
Why does right feel wrong?
Why does wrong seem right?
Why do we have to choose one?
Why can't we live without inhibitions?
Why do we overthink?
Why do we think at all?
Why do we care?
Why can't we live in the present only?
Why can't we be happy when we are meant to be happy?
Why are we afraid to lose that happiness?
Why the greed?
Why do we act immature?
Why the foolishness?
Why so many questions?

Aarrgghh!

Mixed Fruit Salad.

I don’t know what to do with myself! Procrastination has its roots stuck deep inside of me!

I've read a lot of articles on most writers being a victim to procrastination but I don’t want to be in that writers’ list or at least not in the first hundred.

Solution: Kill the laziness.

I’m feeling sick, physically and mentally.

This Sunday was fun. I miss Winter. 

One thing I noticed, sometimes you tend to say things just for the heck of it, to have a conversation going. At that time you feel what am I saying, do I even mean it, do I agree with myself, why am I talking like that. But, later you’ll realize, it was your sub-conscious mind speaking and it will all make sense then. And perhaps, you might be embarrassed that you revealed your true and hidden feelings out in the open.  

I like working in the nights with light music playing along. I like blogging while doing so. 

You know an eyelash cannot actually fulfill that big dream, that wish of yours but still sometimes out of hope you like to believe that it will do so, and you softly blow it from the back of your palm, which I just got to know is also known as 'Opisthenar'.
What is life without hope? Death, maybe (I know that was a rhetorical question I stated but the answer just came to me instantly.)

Music at the moment:
Life is Short
Since you've been around
Daddy Cool
Here is a heart
Scratch 
Other side of the world
The dog song
(Yes, these are the same old numbers I like.)

There's maddening traffic everyday in Mumbai. Traffic that doesn't allow any vehicle to move for hours! It's becoming difficult to cope with travelling in this city now.

NO HORN OK PLEASE

What is it with Mumbaikars and honking?

Okay so, you are stuck in traffic and want to reach some place urgently so you start honking like mad. For once, please notice that others are also stuck in the same traffic, and the person driving the vehicle ahead of you is not having the time of his life in that situation.

Stop creating unnecessary noise pollution you fucking moron!!

MONSOON GO SOON

Due to rains, all autowalas have become very pricey, quite literally also. I’m so mad at these autowalas; they think of themselves as the kings of Mumbai, which they are not! I badly need a Vespa now.
Soon I shall get one for myself post monsoon.

Anyway,
I should get back to work now and maybe pop another Crocin!

Sigh...

It's Hot!
Thank God for the AC!

Okay so...
Those who say that you have changed and they don't need the new you in their life, never really knew you.
Life is divided into umpteen phases & those who stand by you in every of your phase, only know the true you.
The one who says, "You were an emotional & caring angel earlier and now you've turned into a carefree & outspoken bitch," is here to hamper your growth as a human.
Everyone has to see the bad side of life and if you become strong and not emotionally dependent on anyone, that's an achievement! If someone wants you to be an emotional sissy only so that they feel their own importance in your life, it's better to stay away from them. They define selfishness.
Perhaps they only loved those few qualities in you and not YOU, which is sad! Any person with such similar virtues will serve their purpose, it's not necessary for them that the person should be you.

Also...
No one will come to you when you sulk & brood. NO ONE. Put up a fake happy face and see how people will be hovering around you like bees.

Looking at the brighter side of life, I love my work.
Last week due to my laziness, some of my work had to suffer. I need to be careful about that bit.  

And...
I still get those "You are so lucky" & "Your life is so sorted" reactions from those girls, who are in a relationship or had a bad one in the past.
Haha... it's funny!
At work, all I hear is boyfriend talk! Initially it was annoying because the girls had nothing else to talk about but now I've grown used to it.
One female from work said and I quote, "Once you start seeing someone, that relationship becomes the most important of all other relationships in your life, even your friendships, and you cannot help it. It happens with everyone. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be."
I couldn't agree more with her. And it's valid, love is an exciting emotion and it sets you free because you finally find that ultimate feeling of happiness. So for the person who is the source of this ultimate happiness, it's only fair to put them on a pedestal.

So long bloggy doggy. Thanks, I feel lighter!

Capricorn. Really?

There are too many things I'm not satisfied with currently.
Yes, we are never satisfied and eventually it is your way of looking at things.
Perhaps I'm taking life at large very negatively but that's how the situation is right now. I can't really help it, and I'm allowed to be mad at certain people and certain things; I have allowed myself, to be precise.

*Sigh*

Nothing and no person can help me here... I don't need any help anyway. I've always been self-sufficient in such situations.
I've lost count of the number of times I get this kind of feeling or I get stuck in such situations. Though this one is not as bad.

Anyway, moving on... (I have too)
Today, for an hour we did not have any work in office, so I was googling about zodiac signs. Capricorn especially, since that's me. I don't really believe in it, the horoscope, but whatever gives me hope for positive things to come always makes me feel good.
This is not the first time I've read about my sun sign, and I've always felt that I'm not a typical Capricornian. There are many prominent traits of Capricornains, which I lack. Not that it makes any difference; it's just an observation. On the other hand, there are certain characteristics of Capricornians that totally define me.
Perhaps, that's how it is for everyone, when it comes to zodiac.
But, I don't feel like a Capricornian, however silly it may sound.

Trying to see the brighter side

Sometimes the glass seems half empty and sometimes it seems half full.
It's not the attitude you have invariably, it is the attitude you choose to have for different situations.

Vibes- I so believe in them

It's been three years that I've been into writing but somehow I still hesitate calling myself a writer

Somethings in life have to be bad, they just can't change because that's how Mr God wants it to be.

Too many things going on in my mind, regarding people around me. I wish I could set my anger free...

One should ALWAYS try to see the brighter side. That's what I've always believed and followed. Yes cribbing is allowed to a certain extent as that is normal I believe. But, I do look at the brighter side of life. :)

Also,
When you are single, you expect more from your "friends" and somehow even if they do as much as they can, its just never enough. That's why you should always have some other single friends around. And this is not just me, its an observation and was also a topic of discussion between me and a single friend. ;)

Expectation is a funny word.
But never forget to question yourself whether you are able to meet their expectations, before accusing them.

It was one of those black days today, when life seemed unfair and all the dirt from the past made my eyes burn.

There are times when you feel like what do they care about whatever you go through in life and then you realize that even if they do, it doesn't really matter. 

Weekends and me

Expectations- The entire world, happenings and non-happenings, everything basically revolves around them!

Weekdays are going better than weekends.
New people and new life have taken over me...

Last weekend I remember my friend saying I've changed and that things are not as they used to be.
I pondered over this for quite sometime and concluded that either I'm being selfish or its that friend... I couldn't decide who though...

Weekends- This is the first time in life that I know how weekends look like.

....
What happened to us?
We weren't like this before!
Its not just me but you too.
You have someone to hold on to, I don't.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be considerate.

Right now, only reading can help me so I'll get back to my book!

'The missing piece' or rather 'The missing peace'

Hair-cut and shopping - Life's good!
I feel beautiful today! :D

With so many positive things happening around, I should be feeling ecstatic but why do I feel like something is missing... What is it that is wrong?
Perhaps I'm so used to having something going amiss with me that when everything's perfect, I'm not able to gulp it in.
Or
There really is something missing...
I know, not going to Goa sucks but I've overcome that  now so that's not the subject of my anxiety.

Sigh...

I'm stupid!

Locked out of heaven - Bruno Mars
Jiya re - Neeti Mohan (JTHJ)

I reminisce, a few weeks back I was thinking, the ones who stand by your side, even during the moments when you hate them, are the ones who really and truly love you. But then, I discerned that these people still love you because you never showcased your hatred expressly, you either abhorred them inwardly or behaved a little cranky with them at times.
The truth is, No one can stand you, when you start behaving the way you feel, no matter how special or important you are to them!

Complaint box

I need to get certain things off my mind in order to get back in-order!!

Note: These are things that are so petty that I do not feel like putting them in my diary and so this is the best possible way to get rid of all the aimless pondering and ANGER.

1. Enough with the drama!! Just leave me alone, will you?! I too feel bad even if I don't show it!!
2. When you talk bad... it still hurts... sometimes... Because there are certain things that one can never get accustomed to COMPLETELY, no matter how hard one tries... 
3. Boys are not the only topic that we girls can talk about! So please for heaven's sake, STOP!!
4. And, just because my friends are all dating doesn't mean I HAVE to see someone too!! I ACTUALLY am very happy being single and I do not understand why is it soooooo hard to gulp that in?!
5. To myself - Speed up!! FAST!!! Be assiduous and sedulous! 
6. To Mr. God - Help me to help me! *begging*
7. Beauty is not perfection! Some people need to comprehend that being good-looking does not mean you are above everyone else or average lookers do not deserve better than you!!
8. Being candid about your thoughts and opinions may seem to be a great thing when you are practicing it but when others practice it and start throwing their unwanted and unnecessary opinions on you... you'll know how "great" it really is!!
9. You are funny- HAHA!! Now shooo!
10. If you don't find me interesting then don't talk to me... it's just that simple! I really wouldn't mind even if you are a good friend!!
11. And... I've always believed that you need a break from every person in your life at some point of time, no matter how important or special that person is!! I do this... a lot.. I need my space.. now, is that soo bad?!
12. Yes, I can be a super bitch, at times... Deal with it or leave!!
13. I knew I had to face it... I was prepared...

And yet, I survived all of it, thanks to:

1. Mr. God
2. My stupid little brother [I love you!]
3. Music (Of course, duhh!!)
4. Food (Always!)
5. Finally realizing I was being stupid by even letting myself get bothered for the last 3 hours, for these silly thoughts!

*gasp*
*sigh*

P.S.: No comments or views or opinions will be welcomed here (unless they are expressly in my favor)!!

I'm just so sad...

I'm just so sad...

Why don't I get to do what I want to?
Why? Why?

Again,
even this is my fault!

Sometimes I feel it's better to be immature and self-centered, at least then you won't think about how the other person would be feeling and why they choose to behave like this and that they are completely wrong, whatever be the circumstances!!
I just somehow, in my head, figure out a way to not blame the other person for whatever he/she has done and then end up being angry at myself!

Aaarrrghh... I just can't concentrate on studies with all this running around me!!
*sigh*
Bah... I'll figure out a way (hopefully). After all, how many excuses am I gonna make?!

Anyway,
the truth is, if I would've done the right things at the right time, MAYBE none of this would be happening right now!

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

In the hole...

I am so annoyed at the moment!
No, I don't have a reason or maybe I do but it's not good enough!

It just vexes me that I can't be there! Ugh... this sucks. Big time.

And, people may blabber that they are here to support you... but truly that's just another statement!
You have to support yourself and that's only fair!!

Aarghh!!

You know, sometimes you just want certain people to understand that they are needed during certain times without having to say it to them explicitly, you want them to be with you or at least call you for that matter...  And it just perturbs you even more when they don't get it, when they fail to be there with you during those certain times...
But
None of them have been blessed with any kinda super powers that they would just come to know about your state of mind!
Moreover, there are good odds that they might be having a bad day themself and would be waiting for you to come and soothe them...
You know, you should never ignore the other side of the coin, not even in your worst days!

'The sweet escape' by Gwen Stefani, is what I'm listening to right now...
It reminds me of my sweet junior college days, when I didn't have a Smartphone (which means no music) and I used to be glued on to VH1 all day and this song used to be played on every hour! The first time I heard it, I hated it but then after watching it on TV so many times I ended up falling in love with it... it's still one of my best 'pep-up' songs!

I truly believe by going through a person's playlist, you can pretty much figure them out because music is the best way to express yourself (even listening to music is)...
But again, sometimes you hear some songs just for fun and not for what they mean... and that's why I conspicuously mentioned 'pretty much'.

It makes me so sad that I couldn't save me from falling again...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Standing at the brink...

Why is it so difficult to excel in anything?
Is there anything that I'm good at?!

I never pictured things to turn out like this, I never thought of me to become what I have become...

I need to invoke the power in me, only then things can work and life can start trudging, at least.

Will my quest ever reach its destination??
Because I am fed up now... I've never felt that before...

I am standing at the brink, there is no more farther to go. One more step ahead will land me in the deepest and the darkest chasm therefore I need to stop and tread backwards... but I still won't halt.. Why?

Inexplicably awful feelings...
I desperately need to outgrow all of this...

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

trying... again...

When people are walking at a pace that almost looks like running and you are sitting on a cozy couch with a bowl of popcorn and looking at them... You can either sit back and brood about your situation or try to throw that bowl, get in your sneakers, brace up and get going...

It can get ugly when you realize you are the only one who believes in you.... And, after a while, you get used to it and stop giving a damn!

Concerned messages and phone calls seem worthless and needless...

Baby bird doesn't learn to fly because the mama bird teaches it to, it tries and tries until it really can only because it wants to...

It is not about what you should be, it is about what you want to be.
And sometimes, you just never realize when that "should" turns into "want"

Indeed, my enough wasn't enough....

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
 stand a little taller
 it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone..."  
(By Kelly Clarkson)


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!  

Sick, physically and mentally.

I feel so messed up at the moment for no freakin reason!
Feeling queasy, insane sneezing, wild running nose... :(

Mood swings!
Sometimes you want your friends to bear with you, be nice to you even when you act like a total bitch, understand you without you asking them to do so...
Results tomorrow, my tummy is churning badly! There's just too much pressure being imposed on me currently...
Mr God, I truly trust on you, I know whether negative or positive, You'll always be in my favor! ;)

What is it with people?! Every time before results they call and ask you if you are tensed about the forthcoming results? Duhh isn't it obvious... I mean, who is not anxious about the results, yes the level of anxiousness does vary. 

Especially when you are already behind time and the circumstances need you to be in action immediately, such stupid and unwanted concern gets too exasperating!   

Movies and books are the saving grace, I tell you..

PEOPLE.

Mood swings are just so absurd! Ugh! I just feel so.... man it's just inexplicable! :S


When you suddenly realize, you are lucky that something you desperately wanted to happen with you, did not happen to you... it is like a little epiphany. 
Gosh, I was crazy to even be whining about something so unwanted and unnecessary. 
Thanks Mr God, I love you! You Rock! Absolutely.




And, I'm watching 'Father of the bride II' for the 3rd time in past 5days.
Life without movies loses its meaning. ;)

Mathew Perry is cute, I've always liked him.


Why does it get so difficult to handle people and their emotions?! I sometimes feel it's better to avoid them but then if I do so, I end up being a bitch which feels awful enough. 
I always have been a people pleaser, someone who's always in the loop but since quite a long time I've kinda stopped caring about others. You may think I've turned selfish but not caring about others doesn't mean I care more about myself because a few of these 'others' are some of the very important people of my life and me being reckless and not being able to maintain things with them has put them away from me which is not any sort of gain for me but strangely I've been so lost that I don't miss them and this has stopped affecting me, it's bad but that's how it is now. 
No, I am not depressed or in the blues. I am doing good. It's just how I've become.   


There's a friend of mine who also has been going through something similar or it is at least how I think. His other friends don't get him, they fail to understand why suddenly he's turned reclusive but the truth is he's not closed up or reticent; this is just how he has become over the time. You can blame the circumstances or situations if want to but he's not culpable. People change with time, you know, if not all at least some of them do and it's not bad or sad, not even a bit.  


I hate hate hate and simple hate extremely judgmental and critical people! Ugh... Good God, why do I even talk to them?! Why do I even know them?! If the world is not running according to them, it's wrong and they mock it off! Damn are they annoying or not! Screw you suckers!! *gasp*


And,
Mumbai rains are truly pleasant in the nights (of course, when I'm indoors). :) 
It's my life- Bon Jovi
Miss you- Enrique

Time zonal

26th June, 2:14AM

Iktara from Wake up Sid is an all time favorite. Both versions. :)

"Ik raat baasi baasi padhi hain sirhane, band darwaaja dekhe roti hain subah..."

And, phew... Español no es fácil!
(i.e. Spanish is not easy!)

I have developed this strange habit of listening to movies while writing, instead of music... Perhaps the boring subjects are culpable for this...

So 'Listening' to Before Sunset! :)

26th June, 2:14PM


I never expected me to be soooooo late for an assignment! I am amused at my capacity of flippancy!

Kishore kumar's Music is something to die for! :) :)

Ugh

Instrumentals-I love!
Listening to fatal attraction.

Deadline tomorrow- everything's pending!
Why? Why the hell do I HAVE to procrastinate every bloody thing!

Awful Mood- Various Reasons.

Met some old friends today... Friends, really??
To be true, they were more of a boring set of strangers.
Not going would've been a better option if I was given that alternative!

Spent a lot this week- Guilty!
Also ate a lot- Guilty again!

Have been hiding... myself, things, habits...

Losing the grip totally!

I have been truly and totally spaced out!

Fucked up! :S 

Why does it so happen that when you are not at the peak of happiness, every such person who is singing happy, annoys you?!

hmm....
Insecurities and inhibitions... why is it so difficult to get rid of them??

You know, I could have been miserable about it but I decided not to make it a big deal and let it go... and now it doesn't bother me... say 2 months back, when it happened, I was a lil stumped but I handled it pretty well! Though, there are times when I question Mr God but then I know He'll never be unfair to me.

Aaaaarrrrrggghhhhhh!
I hate this ! I hate this! I hate this!!
The feeling of deprivation... The air of annoyance.... Ugh!!

I can be such a sucker, at times!!

Life is not a cinch for anyone. Everyone is living in some sort of crises. Each time I see around, I feel mine is easier.