From House to Home

23 Aug 2020

We are moving! I am so excited for the new house. To live here, to make new memories with him here. I really wish that this house is comfortable and does not have any major problems so we can stay here for longer than a year or two. Because one year seems so less to soak in all the good things it has in store for us. 

This is a new experience for me, this settling into a house that I and he chose together. Bringing all of our belongings here. Arranging & allocating them to specific shelves, drawers, cupboards. 

It feels amazing. This is like the good part of being independent.

Yes, being independent does have a not-so-greatly-enjoyable side too! Like paying bills / cooking and cleaning / planning & saving for early retirement because god knows I cannot be spending most of years of my life earning money (read as evil)! 

Let me not digress... I was talking about the good part... I am excited!

23 Oct 2020

The house is still pretty great! The excitement is gone, but the appreciation has stayed. Just like a happy long-term relationship or marriage. It's comfortable, it's roomy enough, it lets me be, it's home now. :)

A fool never learns

To live in a society and not adhere to its ways, will give you the title of a rebel. Or a fool.

But for how long can you continue to be a rebel. Or a fool.

For how long can you sustain the fight.

I don’t know the answer. I am stuck between walking away from the entire set up and giving into their ways.

Well, no good thing comes without compromises and sacrifices. What I wish for also comes with a price.

Sigh...

I was a fool of a sort once upon a time. I used to think of myself as the creator of my own destiny. I thought if I worked hard enough to deserve something, I would earn it for myself. Because if you honestly desire something and sincerely work towards it, how can you not accomplish it? How can you not be victorious? 

I was taught by time, very little is in my hands at any given time. While I may work hard and set my heart at something, I need not be worthy of it yet. There will be times of helplessness. There will be uncertainty. I will have to deal with failures and deprivation of my reward without being given a reason. Because I will have no choice. Because there is a force much bigger than me, a power much greater than me that controls my destiny more than I do, if not fully.

I am a fool of another sort now. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much!

How far are you willing to go in love?

After the 'butterflies-in-tummy' phase has gone by. 

As far as it's beneficial?

As far as it does not change your individual value system?

As far as the compromises demanded seem reasonable?

As far as the risk taken seems worth enough?

As far as it makes you happy?

As far as possible?

As far as it lets you be with the person?

As far as it reassures that you will not die alone?

How far? 

May be you only know after you have reached that far. 

Until then you just walk. 

Litterings

Just because you do a certain set of things for someone doesn't entitle you to be a receiver of similar favours from them.

Doing is a choice.
Expecting is a choice.
Accepting is a choice.
But being offered is not a choice. At least not for you. It is a choice that belongs to the person offering it.

Love. Everyone has their own version. Even two people who are in love with each other have different definitions.
For one love could be "I love you!" While for the other it could simply be "Why did you miss your breakfast?"
Sometimes the difference might cause slight friction. But most of the times, the existence of love is enough. Methods employed in pursuing, matter not much.

Meanwhile...
I am in a queue. Waiting to withdraw cash from an ATM booth.
Change. Everyone wants it. Not many wish to contribute for it.

When at home people are praising this step taken by the GOI of banning 500 &1000 Rs notes as it will subject to a lot of undisclosed income becoming accountable. But when in a queue to withdraw cash or deposit it, they curse the government for harassing the "Aam Aadmi".

It's a conundrum for me, perhaps the big players in this game of black money have successfully managed to hide their income still or were already aware of the upcoming declaration and made arrangements for the same. Or may be not.
But at least the small players will be caught.

I have a hard time trusting any of the politicians. Or the Government. However I have hopes. That there must be some good Samaritans working amidst them.

The Day.

My colleague tells me I haven't been myself since past few days. She thinks I am un-physically absent.

I think, she is right.

They say, universe works in mysterious ways to help you get all that you deserve. And, all that happens is for the good. You only realise it eventually. Now good is not synonymous to happiness here. It is just good. Perhaps for this present life on earth. It is good because it teaches you somethings that you have taken birth to learn.

I am in a trance. It's a phase that reoccurs each time you become a spectator of your own life. And sometimes you simply can't help being so.
Feelings of helplessness and cluelessness grope you. At first, you try to rebel. Why should you accept it anyway? No logical reasoning seems to explain it. And, a tiresome battle begins. Between you and destiny.
But you were destined to lose. So you do.
And the thing about failures is, you have to accept them even if it kills you.

Today, I am undergoing a new batch of emotions that I never knew existed. It feels as though a funeral is being conducted inside me. Every cell is grieving over the demise of something.
While I wonder what that thing is, it's a happy day, a new beginning.



   

Season of Changes

It has begun. 

On going-long-distance.

Why are we so afraid of distance?

When someone goes, they leave you to yourself. So is it that we are really afraid of ourselves rather than the distance? 

Perhaps yes. 

When two people are in love, they occupy most of each other's time and thoughts, they get lost in each other. Distance between them creates a vacuum. Now, this vacuum can either be seen as a boon or a bane. It is idiosyncratic. Life is subjective. You become what you want to. 

It's as easy to be happy as it is to be sad. 

It's perfectly okay to miss them but it's imperative not to trivialize or squelch your own presence amidst their absence.

You must have read it somewhere, you need to be a complete person in yourself to love another person completely. You might have been a complete person when you fell in love. But today, after years, has that beloved taken away some part of you or have they added to your being? Do you still complete yourself?
This distance will shower you with all the answers you have been seeking. Even with some of those that you haven't contemplated yet.

Dots

The sky... what if someday it pulls me towards itself with a strong magnetic force. Opens its infinite arms and embraces me, engulfs me. I disappear. Completely. Within a moment.

Will it make them wonder?
Will it worry them?
Will it sadden them?

Yes. It will. But time will do its job and heal them all.

What will happen to me?
I will be lost.
May be in dark blankness
May be in bright emptiness.
No existence perhaps.
Period.
The end.
Silence. Forever.

No, I am not suicidal.
Just caught in a reverie.

...........

Your body is a temple. Treat it well.
Your indulgent mind is a monster. Tame it well.

...........

People come, people go.
You change. They change.
That's the law of the universe.

Every present has a past... and a future.
Past is a memory. Future is an illusion.
Present is what we have access to.
We can feel now. Only now.

............

A breath of fresh air.
A lingering hope.
A smile taking birth.
A piece of puzzle fitting in, perfectly.
An inspiration. A reason. A god.

...........

Do incomplete thoughts classify as thoughts?
Ummm... I think incomplete thoughts refrain you from looking deeper into yourself.
They are like.... ....................................... .......................................

Long time, no see.

Time heals everything. Fresh deep wounds turn into scars of the past. And then the scars begin to fade as well. The pain goes away, only faint marks remain.

If you are lucky, you meet a certain someone, who knows the accurate methods of helping you heal in a less painful manner.    
And if you are extremely lucky, you have more than just that one person, like a small gang of doctors working on you.

Times when you feel lost in all the new things that life has thrown at you.
Despite the excitement, happiness and contentment, you still miss something... Maybe what you miss is you. Because it's when things are out of order and life is in mess that you interact with yourself more and fathom yourself better. Maybe it's the chase you miss. Chasing your dreams.
Yes...
Living your dreams is an ecstatic feeling indeed. But when you are actually living it, you do miss the chase. You miss your journey.
Then... It's time to dream further. It's time to embark on a new journey.

The winter is good this year. The nights are chilly. I love cold. I love it when my skin wears millions of gooseberries. The air smells different, it feels good.

And...
Dear 2014,
Thank you for all that you have bestowed me with. The lovely places. The beautiful people. The learnings. The work. The love. I cannot be more grateful for it.
And for the bad experiences, the losses, the pain, the tears... I forgive you.
There are no qualms, no regrets.

Hoping 2015 to be as beautiful. :)

Moving on...
Love feels great. But it's too hard to not lose yourself in love. And that's a challenge, being in absolute love with someone while not forgetting to love yourself.
I like challenges. ;)

On love and change.

Yesterday I was at a cafe with two of my friends and a friend's friend.

We spoke about many things, philosophical and psychological.

The last discussion we had was on the existence of love and the longevity in relationships. We had to leave the discussion incomplete as I had to leave.

He (friend's friend) said love is a temporary phenomenon. I agreed then.
Then he said it does not exist. That reminded me of my younger self, who too believed the same.

I feel he has a set definition for love. So maybe as per his definition, love is a temporary thing. He said people change, and you might not respond to the change in your partner too favorably and eventually will fall out of love.

He said you love certain qualities in a person so when the qualities fade away, there is nothing left to that person. What will you love then? Because the person you loved does not exist anymore.

He so reminded me of myself. I was of the same belief system.

Have I changed? Yes.
Because I fell in love? No.

I have broadened my perception about love and change.

Change is inevitable.
I figured, there are two faces of change. There could be more. As of now I have discovered just two, in this context.
Okay so, the first is evolution and the second is death.

Say, there's a virtue in my partner that I thoroughly admire and adore.
With time, that virtue, say, evolves. Grows in intensity. I might be able to respond to this change positively. As the virtue still exists in him. Efforts will be required to deal with the increased intensity, but I will still do it because his basic quality remains constant.
Now say, his virtue that made me fall in 'love' with him has died in the course time. It has ceased to exist. What now? I don't think I will be able to love him. If I do, it will take a lot of hard work and coercing myself.

I believe, as of now, that it is the responsibility of a person in a relationship to be open to changes their partner undergoes, willingly or reluctantly. Along with being determined to not lose the quality that swept their beloved off their feet. You have to keep trying. You have to choose evolution over death. If you can't, then you better not expect your partner to 'fathom' you and 'adapt' to the new you.
It's a dual responsibility.
Yes, love is not easy. Not in the long run. The temporary nature pertains to the effortlessness that people believe should exist in love. But the truth is no relationship is effortless. Not even the one you have with yourself. Love is hard. Loving yourself is hard. Loving the same person all your life is hard.
I don't know if it makes you a great person if you dedicate all your love to a single soul, but it certainly makes you a good student of life because you learn toilsome and sapping lessons that nothing else, no one else can teach. And I would like to believe that each of these lessons will make you a better person along with making you fall in love with yourself and your partner more deeply.

He also said, loving someone is not like loving yourself. Because you don't have an option to not love yourself, to not accept the ever-changing mind of yours, Well okay, you do have an option but then life will be like hell.

I say yes, it is not like loving yourself. It is much more than that. It makes you much more than what you are or can be.

P.S.: I still don't know what love is and how to define it. Perhaps, it is undefinable. To me.

Time will tell.

Decisions. I still don't like them. 

How do you decide that you will be doing something for the rest of your life? It feels like prison. Despite the fact that I have picked a prison of my own choice, it still is a prison. I don't want it. I don't want to be imprisoned. I am not meant for those shackles. Those chains, they don't belong to me. 

I feel suffocated. I want to fly away. To a place far far away. Just by myself.

As an afterthought, it occurred to me that maybe what I reckon to be a decision, is not a decision after all. Perhaps it is an occurrence that was destined to transpire. And maybe what I perceive to be as chains that will pull me back or limit me, are wings that will help me fly higher. 

Maybe...

I cannot know now...

Time will tell. 

I think I will choose to believe in the latter. There, I made yet another decision. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much! 

Dear Music,

My love for you precedes everything else in the world. 

Love,

Resh. :* 

PS: This is the most truthful e-letter of my life. Hope you read it. 

The Sixteenth

A month ago, on this day, I embarked on the most unexpected journey in my life. A journey that changed my life. A journey of an epic beginning.

Dear Mr. God,

I love you more than ever now. The happiness that my heart contains is of such magnitude that I am afraid to lose even an ounce of it. It feels like magic. You have surprised me, delighted me, blessed me. You have showered me with such love that  it goes beyond my imagination. I will be thankful to you till my last breath.

..........

I am at the Beas. The cold winds are making my lungs quiver. My clothes are not doing a good job at keeping me warm. I am loving the cold. My teeth clatter and my body shivers. I am standing on the rocks submerged in the river that is flowing effortlessly. The icy water is piercing each cell in my legs. My legs go numb after a while. I cannot feel them. I cannot feel the cold. I am smiling as wide as I can. A tear rolls down my cheek. I feel lighter. I am one with the river. I see pine trees around and the gargantuan mountains with a scoop of snow carelessly dropped on them. The river is feeling me, healing me. I feel empty. I feel full. I feel me. I am happiness. I am love. I am the river and she is me. We are one.

My heart yearns for her.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

Best things happen to you when you least expect them while secretly wanting them to happen in a corner of your heart. :)

I am still an overthinker and will always be one. 

The future worries me. The circumstances in the future concern me.

I am not sure if I am ready to face them yet. 

Someone told me I should live only in the present. That's not me. No matter how much I try, I cannot just live in the present. A small part of me still dwells in my past and another small one constantly tries to peep into the future while the rest of me blissfully enjoys the present. 

Anyway,

I would like to believe, epic beginnings never have an ending.  

Current Playlist:

Magic - Colplay

When you say nothing at all - Notting Hill

Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

Alchemy - A&B

Jiya Lage na - Coke Studio (Shankar Mahadevan)

Locha-E-Ulfat - 2 States

Gustakh Dil - English Vinglish

I am in the fairytale phase of life! 

I have a feeling, I might like the rains this year. ;) 

A gift from nature

I am back from the mountains.
I am back from the snow.
I am back from the river.
I am back from the paradise.

Or may be I am not. I left a little of me there and brought back a little of them all.

It was a breathtaking journey. With every small patch of land, I learned more about me. It was a satisfying feeling. Just me and my backpack.

There are too many words coming to my mind at the moment but I do not feel like putting it all together right now. Piece by piece I shall keep posting.

I am happy to be working again. My work is as important to me as travel. It, too, defines me in a way.

Anyway,
This trip has been extremely special to me. Apart from adding a new dimension to my thinking, it has introduced me to a new side of me.
It seems like Mr. God is playing a prank with me. I hope he is not. I don't have that kind of an appetite for humor. I have taken a leap of faith. It's scary. It's exciting. It's beautiful. It's alleviating. It's fulfilling.

My heart tells me, it's a gift from nature, from Mr. God. 

When the inconceivable happens...

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey is an incredible number
"Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere 
Nothing scares me anymore."

In her shoes - the movie. 

..........

They fell in love years back. They were not perfect, but they knew how to love each other perfectly. Years went by. The love remained the same, grew rather. Until 'change' came.
He met new people, he saw a new shade of life, he loved it, he changed. Because he wanted to.
She still stood there. Watching him become a stranger. Hoping it to be a plain phase. She waited long.
He was a different person now. It was the same old her.
She was helpless. They were supposed to be together 'forever' and he had simply vanished. There was this stranger disguised to be him, but it was not him.
He's not a bad person. He's not wrong or culpable.
She cried, yelped, prayed, feared... It's over.


How do you trust anyone after something like this happens? How do you trust anyone after knowing something like this can happen?

Being a mere spectator to this is so saddening and perturbing. I can't gauge the intensity of the pain and hurt she would be carrying in her heart right now. And, that he would, I believe, will go through at some given point of time in future.

Love is an illusion. Togetherness is a delusion. I was right in believing so.
.......

When no one succeeds in comforting you.
When no one manages to get even a faint smile on your face.
When no one cares enough for that little moment.
When no one makes you feel loved and wanted.
It's time you stop fretting about it and be there for yourself.
Only you can love you the way you've wanted to be loved.


Eagerly waiting for the exit of October heat and the mystical entry of the wonderous wintertide.


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

one by two

Office.
Sometimes its just us, we over-think. The other person is not always the bad guy.

People are not that difficult to deal with, we make ourselves believe that they are. I know, I too have umpteen times said that its not a cinch being around people rather being happy around them but eventually I always realize it never was a big deal.

Another thing that got me thinking was, whether to say it out or not?
For say, when having a conversation with a bunch of people, you have so many things in head that you can say but you choose to stay mum. How does it matter if you speak your heart?
Now, there are countless reasons why you don't say it but for how long will this continue?
There will be a time when you'll stop not talking, when you'll start being yourself. So why not do it right away!

I think I shouldn't have done it, that thing. But now, it's all said and done so rather than fretting about it, I should do something constructive.

Home.
Feel, speak, enjoy, love, live, cry, suffer, make mistakes, be outrageous, apologize, learn, discover yourself!
Now is what we have. Who knows world might really end on 21/12/12!!
Haha...
What if it actually does?

When you wonder about death, you realize who are the ones that truly matter to you and you would wish to spend more time with them before everything is over.
If believing in 21/12/12 helps you express your love to your loved ones, then you are not as stupid as people would think!

I love Mumbai. People here can be as sweet as bitter they are! Confusing naa?? That's how we are.

Adele-Skyfall. Love it like crazy!

P.S.: I wrote half the post at work but then I got busy so I saved it as a draft and now added more and posted, hence the title!

Missing on me-time

Times when you've been feeling extremely thoughtless... No matter how hard you try to bring up something to think about in your head, you just can't!
And, for a person who loves pondering over stuff... these are not the 'good' times!

There are times when you want to be around your friends and feel that warmth...
And, those times when you want no one around, you are simply happy being with yourself...

Listening to 'Here is a heart' by Jenny Owen Youngs...

I'm really awestruck by people who know what they want in life, from life. They don't realize how cool it is to have their goals set! I mean most of us are totally clueless about every little thing, not being in the 'nonplussed' category is something to be proud of... But then, as they say, you never value anything you have.

sigh

You know, I'm getting that feeling... when you are standing on one side of the highway, waiting to cross but all the automobiles are racing at such a pace that you just have to stand there looking at them and at that opposite side of the road...
There's no reason attached... it's just how I feel at the moment...

'Jao naa' from 'What's your rashee' - an all time favorite.

Being around too many people for long always does this to me... Perhaps, it's because I don't get much of 'me-time' now-a-days...

Grey's Anatomy- New addiction. Stress buster. Me-time. :)
  

Strange feelings...

Sometimes we just succumb into the social pressure!
Can't help it, I'm a human being and we are all SOCIAL animals... it's our primal characteristic!

Watched Barfi today. Loved it! Ranbir Kapoor just has it in his genes, he acts so effortlessly... I don't just love him because he looks smokin hot and cute at the same time but it is more because all the characters he's ever played, he's done his part so well that he's always had a long lasting impact on me!

38days to go! I'm in shit... submerged in it completely!!

Listening to 'Glad you came' by 'The wanted'... Super Song!

In absolute love with 'Titanium' by David Guetta ft. Sia!

"You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium..."