Foolish

Around 8 years ago, I found out that it’s okay to be selfish. To live for yourself. I discovered that it is okay to choose your own dream instead of someone else’s and work towards fulfilling it. It is okay to care a little less about fitting in.
And so... I began following my heart. My foolish heart that believed I could be special... different... extraordinary!
Only to grow up and realise 8 years later that in a world of roughly 7.5 billion people, there cannot be a “different” or “special” you. I mean think about it... there are so many extraordinaries that this word is technically obsolete. Extraordinary is now an ordinary phenomenon.
Okay so I rose up and became a rebel. I revolted to do things my own way. I fought... to choose my own race. But here it is... a race after all!

Can I please stop running?

If not... then can someone please return me the foolishness of my heart... that believed I could be special. Not to the world but in my own eyes...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Music playing (in my head)... Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

Unsung Heroes

I am 30. I cannot believe that it was NINE years ago that I made an account on Blogspot and wrote my first personal blog.

When I began, I remember being afraid to publish a post every time I wrote one. As if every person  on the face of this earth had subscribed to my blog and they would read my mind as soon as I published my thoughts here. Afraid that they would know how I think and judge me. I hated it... being judged. So much that I didn’t realise I was judging people to be judgemental until one day a friend in drunken state (both of us were intoxicated), tired of all my drama, said it to me.

They have stayed with me, her words. I don’t know if she knows it because we have never re-visited that conversation. What she said did not have an immediate impact on me, I didn’t change overnight. It was later, on some other occasion when I was engaged in my thoughts, miffed at a certain person and was having an argument with myself. A part of me was playing the devil’s advocate and then it uttered those words, which my friend, perhaps years ago, had expressed in frustration. Ever since then I use her statement to control my mind when it’s playing the victim card.

It makes me wonder, isn’t every person who loves you, knows you, cares about you... your guru or a god or a messenger of the Universe? They, unintentionally more often than not, help you become a better version of yourself. But how often do we reflect and allow ourselves to realise it?
I think if we did, we would put all the ‘babas’ and ‘gurus’ out of business.

It’s funny how in a world full of idols living and breathing around us, we are searching for them in the wrong places... in famous personalities. I think one should question oneself, what is it that I really want to worship?

Anyway...
Bloggie Doggie... thank you for being such a significant part of my journey all these years. Together we have grown and I hope that we will continue to explore my thoughts and help me know myself better.

I hate it when people put me in a dilemma.
Office politics- No matter how hard you try to stay out of it, it doesn't spare you.
I've decided, instead of feeling pressurized that I might hurt anyone or make "enemies", I won't care as much, breathe freely and be the way I am and not how they want me to be. To hell with them and their issues!
When it comes to those special ones in your life, it's fine to be affected for a while but people who are not all that significant shouldn't impact you.

Phew...

It's very important to not let your core self get affected by other people's life otherwise you end up living their life instead of your own.
With me, sometimes I'm able to do so and sometimes I just can't!

Don't you worry child- Swedish House Mafia

From a different location...

You know, how people always wish they could read everyone's mind or at least read the ones they love so that they know about their honest and sincere emotions... Well, I was never one of those people and today, I discerned how correct my opinion about this had been...
Because we humans go through an array of emotions every hour of every day, some of us are extremely emotional (like myself) while some of us are mostly apathetic... most of the times we adore the fact that there are a few souls out there who love us unconditionally but there are a few moments when we feel suffocated due to the same ones. And, just during those few moments, we say a 100 negative things about them to ourselves, wish them to vanish away from our lives...

Imagine you reading their thoughts at that time, when they are having this fit of wrath and angst, it sure wouldn't be pleasant... so isn't it better not to know that momentary hatred and make life, relationships and friendships more complicated than they already are?!

Today, I'm glad for never having to wish something so awful for any of my loved one...

Reckoning the fact that I'm emotional, which not just means that I can get sad easily but it also defines that I experience every emotion very easily, which includes sheer happiness and acute anger.
So
Of course, I've been angry on my loved ones and have said a million bad (err..worst) things to them in my head but I've never wished to eliminate them from my life.

And I would like to thank Mr God for this little revelation as now I am more sure that I will never ever make such a ghastly wish even when I'm at the apex of anger and exasperation!

For the first time, I'm glad, I didn't wish that much...

P.S. For the first time I'm blogging from a place other than my home or ex-office! And no, it's not a Cyber Cafe! :)

Blessed :)

Yesterday was one of my best friend's party and I danced like crazy (just as always)! The 'dance hangover' still exists and that's the reason I've been prancing all over my house since morning, err afternoon because that's when I woke up!! :D

Also, I realized if I had to choose, I would choose dance over drinks... haha...
(though it would make no difference because whenever I'm dancing, I dance like I'm already a few shots down even if I ain't... so I've been told by all!)

And yesterday, I could empathize with her happiness and gaiety completely... It was as if her achievement had become my achievement...
I love you so much and I truly and totally wish, you to be as happy all your life!

Also,
Today is my childhood best friend's birthday, which is another reason why I'm feeling so gleeful. She knows me in and out, more than anyone else could ever know... and I guess its vice versa too!
Despite the fact that it's so difficult to admit (it really is), I will have to say that you are "the best friend" that everyone should have, that they show in the movies and soaps, that I never ever imagined me having and I'm just so blessed to have you.  

Thank you Mr God for bestowing me with such happy moments. You, I love the most! :*

It's complicated... NAH!! It's simply me. ;)

Okay so, 'moving on' turned out to be having two faces. Which way should I take up and will it be right...? I have no clue but I have finally chosen and I'm gonna stick to that... It's just too hard to give up, not because I'm scared but because somewhere in my heart I still believe that I can... I just hope that I don't disappoint me this time...

Have I mentioned before how I hate choosing!!


"Just because I'm losing
 doesn't mean I'm lost
 doesn't mean I'll stop
 doesn't mean I'm across..." - COLDPLAY 
#loveit

Envy- is when you wish you were living someone else's life for that little moment...

It's not easy being yourself when you do not know who you really are....

And,
That moment when you realize... "Seriously, what was I thinking?? I never had a shot... and somehow I'm glad that I didn't!!"
Strange isn't it, I wanted something to happen so desperately for so long but it did not happen and so somehow I just argued myself into believing that it wasn't ever meant to be and now when I get to know that it can actualize, I mean there chances of it to happen... I don't want it anymore!
So what is it?
Is it my super convincing power OR perhaps, I was never really into it, ever... You never know...
But, as of now I'm sorted about it.

Life never fails to amuse you and the antithesis is that this is the best as well as the worst part about it!

'It's raining men' by Geri Halliwell- an all time favorite!

Complication has become my way of life now and I'm totally acclimated to it.
I kinda do it myself, though subconsciously. I guess, simplicity is just not my scene... And, I am more than okay with it!
 

Grinning..

'Fooled me again' by Lady Gaga... quirky but I still love it!

"All Men are the same"
You know, there really is some part of this phrase that's honest!
Haha... I may be coming out as a sexist, when looking at some of my blogposts... But I really am not one!
Just that, lately, there are many of these peculiar male characteristics that I've personally stumbled across. Of course, all of them meandering around girls!!
I never had any notions regarding men, I don't have any now either... but yeah, you can say the picture is not all that hazy now, when it comes to them!
LOL... This knowledge though, I don't think is actually conducive but it sure is a joke or a mockery that I share with myself! ;)

'Cry' by Rihanna and 'Broken hearted girl' by Beyonce - :) :( :l

There are people who are invariably uberly confident. There are people who are always dubious of themselves and under-confident. Then, there people who oscillate between being overconfident & confident AND(not or) under-confident & confident... I belong to #3!

Oftentimes, I too do things that I don't like others doing... so, either I should stop being a hypocrite and quit doing them or I should stop complaining about others doing them...isn't it?!

"And, nothing else matters" by Metallica... is evergreen!!

I totally and ardently believe in the saying "Everything happens for a reason"... Even the silliest of things that happen with you, have a hidden purpose lurking around! This doesn't mean that I keep looking around for reasons everywhere or that anyone should ever do so... In time, you always realize, why it had happened... if you are even averagely smart!!!



Marilyn Monroe is someone I pretty much admire... I doubt if there is anyone, who doesn't admire her (or her audacity)!
Some of her quotes that I feel, explain my head also to a certain extent...
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than be absolutely boring!" 
"I restore myself when I'm alone."
"Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about!"
"It's all make believe, isn't it?!"

Zoned out

There's a world in which we actually live, there's a world we've never been to, there's a world we think we are living in, there's a world where everyone else except you breathes in and then there's your world built with a million of your constantly changing thoughts and experiences. 

A chat with a friend made me wonder that everyone really does wonder...  

It was good. Although I wanted to make sure that the person I was chatting with, gets me properly but then... how does it matter?!! Well, as far as I discerned even that friend was trying to be more expositional. Moreover, I don't care about whether we comprehend each other or not; it was just good to know that I am not the only freakshow... all of us are! Well, if not all... at least I know a few who are! ;)

Those gospels that you are invariably aware of but still you need an awakening, every now and then, to remind you of their existence! It's weird isn't it... we don't really forget them but we still forget them!

I hate mosquitoes, they are present everywhere I go, in every nook and cranny!! They've invaded my house too!! Freaking 'Goodnight' has no effect... it feels as though they apply some 'Goodnight' repellent on themselves! Aaarrghhh.... I hate them! I know no one loves them BUT they really are loathsome... they are blood-suckers after all! It got me thinking, how did the first ever mosquito came to life?? And why... why did Mr God had to create any mosquitoes?!

Speaking of blood-suckers, I know a few humans also who are good at it... they are like human-mosquitoes except I can't really kill them with a single clap!

Times when you are surrounded by a group of chatty people and you are still talking to yourself instead of them!

Bumping into my favorite green tea flavor accidentally, after months, when I just concluded that they must've stopped producing it, in a store where I'd never expected to find any kind of green tea.... :) :) :) 

Life is unpredictable, all of us know and have experienced since birth. I like it... the unpredictability! Be it good or bad or happy or sad! I really like it! :)

'Don't think of me' by Dido... sweetly wicked :) ;) 

And the song that's STILL on my mind...

"Only you, only you, my beautiful dream I loved you.

Only you, only you, you gave me your heart." 

The other day 'Notting hill' reminded me of the song 'You say it best when you say nothing at all'. I love that song... I used to listen to it umpteen times in a day, back in college! 

And now, I am sick of only planning IT... I wish I could just precipitate myself somehow into IT... just headlong!!

Totally random!

Just when I am about to hit the bed, I take a final look in the mirror and see my hair falling perfectly. Why can't the hair look that good when I have to go out?! 
Well, perhaps my hair looks the same even then. It's just my perception, just because I am going to be sleeping and getting up looking like a wreckage, I feel the hair is too good to be slept with! But, when I get ready for an occasion, nothing in the world can make me believe that I am looking fine for the day!
Humans... Never satisfied!


The more time I spend around people, the lesser I know me for that day!


'Notting Hill' is a lovely romantic movie! 
I saw 'Ek main aur ek tu' last week. I liked the movie, it was quite realistic! Maybe that's the reason many people around me did not like it! 
People like to see rom-coms or love stories because of their happy endings. 'Ek main aur ek tu' did not have a happy ending, rather it did not have an ending at all! The hero was still hoping in the climax that he'll win the heroine over and the movie ended without giving the audience any exact conclusion. So people were disappointed! Many real life love stories actually end in 'HOPE'. Sometimes, you get the person you want and sometimes you have to accept things and move on!


And, 
it's not good to perceive someone as you want them to be, rather than what they really are! This is nothing but fooling your own self! 


I am humming Rihanna's 'Pon De Replay'... I don't know how, this song suddenly struck me after ages!
"Come, Mr DJ song pon de replay. Come, Mr DJ won't you turn the music up?........"


Oftentimes, you don't feel contented living some moments, only once. You wish you could re-live them again and again! Just the way we can hear the same song any number of times we want. 
But then, at least we have been given the liberty to reminisce those moments and imagine re-living them! See... Mr God always has own way of giving us whatever we wish for, it's just us... who never acknowledge his givings! 


Adieu!! 

Biding goodbye to the storm...

Reading old journals and blog-posts makes you realize how much you have changed in all these years and months AND how somethings about you can never change... Paradoxical isn't it!

Making a fuss about small and silly events that happen to you... is the worst thing you can do! Take a look around and you'll see, you are leading one of the best life, this universe has ever designed!!

I read an article a few weeks back that said, people feel sad and miserable because they want to feel special. Only by feeling miserable can you be different in your own eyes and in the eyes of the universe. When you are happy you dissolve in the happiness and you become the happiness, you lose your SELF to the happiness and there is no YOU. No wants to lose their SELF & their place in the world. So they opt for being sad and miserable.
I was mesmerized by it. It's like the truest fact ever. I'd decided to share it on this blog the moment I read it.
For everyone, life is imperfect in someway or the other. It's not about always smiling no matter what... it's about how quickly can you regain that genuine smile...
As it is, I am a firm believer in KARMA, what you are getting now is the reaction of your own past actions. And as per Dr Brian Weiss, we select our own life before taking birth on Earth (ooh that rhymed :p).
So, the cribbing, whining and brooding is technically totally invalid!!
BUT, still we are humans, who can never do it all right and we like to cry it out once in a while. So our emotional outbursts have a benefit of doubt...(Although it's good to keep them under check!)

Post my previous blog-post, I am at peace with the fact that it really doesn't matter if "people" have misconceptions about you, even if these people are really important to you. It bothers initially but the moment you realize you cant do anything, you give a darn.

So, here it is, the difference between people that belong to my category and those with a 'care a darn' attitude... 'Care a darn' category already knows from the beginning that you cant change certain things and you don't need to change certain things... while, we try to make things work, we try to think of something to change the things and eventually we discern that we can't change certain things and we don't  need to change certain things. So, in the end, we too care a darn!!
It's just that we are a little slow. Otherwise sooner or later, all of us become a big pool of apathetic minds.

Then, there are songs which everyone in the room knows and they hum the lyrics together... while you are standing there completely unaware of the song, thinking who the hell made this stupid song!

'Good feeling' a nice and light-hearted number.
I don't hear to many Christina Aguilera songs but I love her voice.

It's one of my very good friend's marriage today and I am so happy for her! This is the same friend's marriage which I'd referred in previous posts. Where does time fly? Still feels it was yesterday when the 2 of us were sitting in our boss's cabin (of course after he would leave) and having warm heart-to-heart conversations! Feeling nostalgic! Mr God bless her with a super happy wedlock and make sure she always smiles!

More of me...

Well,
In my previous blog-post someone commented that I didn't accept something about myself so I'd been thinking about it and I concluded on: I do accept everything about it, it's just that at the moment, these are my thoughts about the subject but it's not like I'm reluctant to change. Maybe my views would be completely differing in the future but right now... this is me.
(Err, sorry for this elongated elucidation... that's one of my problems, I always like to explain and clarify tiniest of things!)


So, exam-results... is there anyone who is not apprehensive about them?! 


I am watching Disnep's 'Hercules'...It was one of my favorites during school times... 
There's something about certain cartoons, you know? No matter how old you get, you will always enjoy watching them! Especially me, me and cartoons had a longer relationship than other kids... Even when all my peers stopped watching cartoons, I went on for a few more years... that time TV was all about toons for me... Rugrats, Catdog, Aladdin, Hercules, Looney toons, Flintstones, Jetsons, Scooby doo, Jungle book, Captain planet, Timon and Pumba, Powerpuff girls, As told by Ginger, Courage the cowardly dog, Dexter's Lab, Superman, Little Mermaid, and many many more... It's an endless list!! And, that's how I ended up with my glasses!    
Ahh... those 'toony' days....were the best of all... these toons were my imaginary friends too. I didn't have many friends those days so I used to look for warmth in them and you know what? They did a pretty good job! They'll always hold a special place in my heart! :) :)
I loved the purple and violet colored sky in Aladdin, Hercules and some animated Disnep movies. That sky looked alluring, charming and fascinating. I wish it was real, I could gaze at it for hours!


Oftentimes, when things are perfectly alright and serene around you, you find a way to mess it up! 
So, what is it? Do I don't like being in a calm and peaceful atmosphere? Am I habitual to have stupid and prodigal issues and drama around me? Maybe yes...


Some two days back, I had a heated argument with a friend... and I cried... I hadn't cried after an argument with anyone, since long... this time, these tears were something else... they were the tears of an awakening... I really have changed a lot (as that friend emphatically said)... and most of this "change" is negatively colored. No, I don't regret this "change" but I am sure, with time, this "change" will also change! (fingers-crossed)


This winter has been blissful and now the fall, is even more pleasant and pulchritudinous... Thank you God for this wondrous wintertide... I've absolutely enjoyed every moment of it! God has His own magical way to keep you smiling. And, since these last 2 months, He has made the winds make me smile, all the time! Mr God, you really rock!! I love you!

Movies, Men and Merry Christmas ;)

The cold is finally here. It's getting colder by each passing day. I am telling you... I am totally in love with the air!! 
Movies, hot Green tea, some munchies and a snuggle-worthy quilt - a Perfect way to enjoy a wintry day!!


So, it's yet another good friend's birthday today so I wish him a super duper Happy Birthday and a great life! :) :) 


And, the movie watching spree is still on!!
Oh and how could I forget, Merry Christmas (belated) Bloggy doggie!! :) :) :)


Okay so there's this little revelation I had a few days back, when I was at a cafe; if women are said to act pricey and be unnecessarily exigent all the time, then men inherently hold the abilities of flattery and persuasion!! Be it my younger brother or my male friends or my dad too, all of them have this incessant habit of wheedling and cajoling us! No matter how much they disagree doing it, they still do it inadvertently! 
I mean, since childhood, all we girls are treated with flattery and inveiglement, in some way or the other... 'Old habits die hard', is known by one and all, then this my friend, is an ancient habit! Women can't not be women just like men, who can never stop being men!!


I've got to catch up on another flick so hasta la vista !! :* 

Good mood gone bad!!

Hugh Jackman - HOT!! 
From 'Someone like you' to 'X-Men', he still remains as desirable as a man could be! 


I am getting the 'Bridget Jones' feeling... It is in relation to something that was revealed to me today! I guess, I really am the only one left! But you know what, I care too less!!  


An hour back, I was very happy and wanted to blog about many things and now I am blank... The Blues have taken over suddenly.... 
I cannot believe this... I was in a fine and normal state of mind, just sometime back and one single piece of information about a couple of persons, blew up the good mood. I cannot elucidate it in here, but it sure is something upsetting for anyone in such a situation!!
(Yes, I just said it doesn't affect me a bit, a paragraph above, but it is affecting me. I don't know, how to stop!)


Deprivation is not a good feeling, be it with regard to anything whatsoever! :( :( :(


Phew, what would I have done without music?! Music always comes to my rescue! 
'Cry me a river', 'What goes around' and 'My love' by Justin Timberlake and 'Karma' by Alicia Keys, just never fall out of my favorites list. It's been like 5 years now and I still love listening to these numbers!


Mood swings are the quirkiest thing ever! You never know when you can go from a fab mood to a disconcerting mind set!! Ugh... I am feeling awful! 


Anyway,
I had gone for a stroll today, after dinner. It was a half an hour walk. I heard good music, with my head bobbing all the while and I thought about all the good things that have happened, will happen and can happen! It was indeed invigorating! It was like walking through positivism. I should go for such a ramble everyday, it felt real good!
.......
Ohh, I am in love with Greenday! I've been listening to them tad too much.


I guess I'll end here. I am too lost in my own cogitations and ideations, to write anything....

Amorphous...

No, this one has no strong topics like my previous two posts. I am tired of thinking now. It was a nebulous day today, just like most of my days. I was by myself today. I saw 'Mod', a bolly movie by Nagesh Kukunoor and it was simply adorable. I was in the movie the whole day (if you get it)!
I get so involved in movies after watching them. If a movie is really touching, the post movie effect stays for days! Just two days back, a distant friend said that I quickly get too attached to people. I argued saying it's not true. But today after watching the movie, I realized how I get attached to the characters, not for hours but for days and days. I keep thinking about the characters and what would their life be now i.e. after 'THE END'.
SO maybe this friend was right, maybe I do start getting emotionally dependent on people too fast. I don't know how to kill this... He was right. I always knew this about me but... sometimes somethings cannot be controlled.


Also, I had to deal with my over-possessiveness for the things that I considered ONLY MINE. There is nothing that is only mine, there never can be.... 'Mine' is a myth, it will be better for me to comprehend this gospel as soon as possible.  


'You were not there when I needed you' - You always invariably need that person but you don't realize this need unless that person is not around for whatever reasons.


Coming out of a salon unsatisfied leaves me utterly furious!! We pay them bucks to transform us from ugly witches to pretty maidens and not to render us even uglier!!
(I know, I exaggerated a little but it came straight out of fury)


'But baby, you're the right kind of wrong', another great number, I like the lyrics!


Oftentimes I feel, this is all a dream. Me, my life, it's not real... all of this is just a dream... is it?!
I don't know why do I always think about such silly, quirky and unanswerable stuff!!


There's a faulty tube light that turned bad a few days back, you still always turn on the button for that same tube light each time you enter the dark room, then within a nano second you realize that it doesn't work and you turn on the other light in the room. It's not that you forgot the tube light ain't working, it just happens out of regular habit. 
Loving someone is exactly like that... Maybe the relationship dies, what about the habit?! It's not easy to remember not-to-love... It takes years to get rid of this custom...
(By the way, there really is a faulty tube-light at my place since more than week now and I still press that wrong button!)  


'Macy's day parade' by 'Greenday' - a lovely song! 

Is the past really past??

No matter how much you try, you cannot get rid of your past. Those broken pieces somewhere still poke your heart. The past is a part of you, just as the present and the future are. The past is always present in you, it never leaves you, not even for a minute! BUT, you can leave the past if you want to, though it is immensely arduous to do so!


Watching Oprah Winfrey shows that are about forgetting, moving on and  FORGIVING, is not just it. I've seen so many of them. Without a doubt they inspire me but the implementation is such a gradual process that at one moment, you don't even feel that the process is moving a tad bit! After watching people who too have suffered a lot but have forgiven their abusers and pain-givers, you feel like even you should forgive and learn to move on. 
When you actually start practicing it, it's not an ounce easy. Maybe that's why 'Forgiving' is the biggest lesson that you have to learn and it takes numerous life-times to learn so.


(And I am not referring to some silly fights or issues between friends or some short-term failures...There are things bigger and badder than this but we often forget and land ourselves in such worthless and unnecessary troubles)


"I can forgive but never forget"
I don't understand why people make use of this statement, even I use it! See, if you don't forget that means you still remember the agony, the suffering and unless you let go all those feelings and surpass it, you cannot forgive. 
Forgetting is forgiving, this is what I have assimilated over the years, though I don't follow it hard-core but I genuinely try. Most of the times I am not willing to forget, even if I want to, I don't let me forget... 
I hope I implement my own beliefs in my own life soon... I know it can do me a world of good! 


Why is self- alleviation of sorrows and agony so difficult? Isn't life already too harsh for us to be so hard on ourslves?!


Also, 
'Never judge a book by its cover'.
You never know what the other person has gone through. Every person has got dark secrets, of which hardly anyone knows!


Anyway, I better study now, it's my last exam tomorrow (or rather today!) and I am still left with a big chunk of the portion. But now at least for the next 6months, there wont be anymore exams....phew!

Awry me......

In the past week, I learnt, how timely victory is important. When you have no one to celebrate with, to share that free feeling with and to discuss the worries of the road ahead, the victory loses its essence. This co-relates with my earlier blogpost ‘Man, truly a social animal’.

When I was struggling with PCC, many used to say that it is good that you have got a few friends, who are also struggling with the same thing but I didn’t agree to it as I always feel that my struggle is my struggle, it doesn’t matter if I have co-equals or not!

I personally feel that if you don’t have a compeer while you are struggling, it is okay. I know, it adds to the misery and you get more frustrated and dejected for a while but even if you have a company while you are failing, you will still be disconsolate, it doesn’t make life any easier. Its just your state of mind, you feel good when you know that you are not the only one suffering and making mistakes!! On the other hand, when you don’t have companions to celebrate your accomplishments, it lessens the happiness and ruins your moment.

It is always better to be sadder when you are already sad rather than being sad and lonely when you should be oozing with glee!!   

The last week has been indeed an awakening week, full of changes and epiphanies. I had to gulp in the bad and adjust with them, I had to battle with the negative me in order to have truce with positivism (this is still in progress)…

And, accepting that my perception of looking at life has been erroneous was very difficult but, what is even tougher is mutation…and I don’t know how long will the metamorphosis take...

Garrison Wynn is an amazing speaker, I read a few of his speeches and I quite liked them.