Viscous Virtual Circle

There is too much of everything. 

Too many movies and shows on Netflix.
Too many DIY tips & quotes on Pinterest.
Too many simple hacks on Facebook.
Too many food & dance videos on YouTube.
Too much art on Instagram.
Too many opinions on Twitter.
Too many diet plans on Fitness Pal
Too many answers on Google. 
Too many part-time businesses on Etsy.
Too much 'news' on Whatsapp.

I am not sure if I need so much. So many ideas, so many solutions, so quickly. Whatever happened to searching for answers and the joy of finding them?   

The world has become a weird place. 

Nothing I do is special anymore. Nothing I create is original, and if it is, it won't remain original 5 seconds after I 'share' it with the 'world'. 

I used to do it excitedly until a couple of years ago, not because I wanted to flaunt my skills but to reach out to the right audience and the right opportunities. Sometimes it has worked. And most other times, I just felt happy looking at some positive comments / likes. 

I don't feel like doing it anymore. I don't feel like being a part of this circus anymore! 
I still do post. Sometimes with the fear of losing what little I have managed to build after years of struggle with my writing & art (which still continues). And hardly ever out of a need to express.

What is it with people? Is your life empty? Why do you want to share all your feelings and experiences with others? Why do you want to express your opinions all the time? Is it because no one is actually looking, it's virtual and you can't see faces so it is easier to boast or to say your piece or to share your sadness or express joy? 

How many times when you meet people in a group do you actually try to let them know how you feel? Wait... may be this is what it is? You want to let someone know how you truly feel, you want someone to get it. 

But isn't it better to cultivate actual, real relationships in your life where a handful of real people will actually understand you, your thoughts, your intentions?
I mean I understand it takes more effort than just typing a post and hitting share. But the pay-off is wonderful. 

This virtual audience, I believe, doesn't give a fuck. A few comments, a few likes, a few follows, a few views, they won't fill up the vacuum.

Sigh... The world has become a weird place. There is too much of everything. 

Ask.

Sometimes the voices in your head speak in such a haphazard fashion that it doesn't make sense to call them thoughts. These broken words make you anxious, they evoke different emotions, strong emotions, so many of them that they confuse you. You don't know if you are happy or sad or excited or bored or content or nihilistic. It's a chaotic mess, yet you can hear the sound of silence.

You want to do something, may be something you love doing, may be something that calms you down, may be something new and adventurous, just something... However, your inert body refuses to obey. But the body cannot think or feel by itself, right? It is a mere employee of your mind.

So basically, your mind knows of ways to cheer you up while also being responsible for the reason behind you being this despondent. It is a fight between you and you.

And, while this debate is taking place, there is another you who is the spectator constantly making judgement about both contenders as if the onus of choosing the winner lies on it.
'It'... You are an 'it'. But you can only be a 'he or she'?
Really? Do you think so? How does it matter if we are just souls and not creatures defined by any species or sex?

So should you blame it on Monotony? All of these "broken words" in your mind? These pangs of contradictory emotions?
What is monotony though? A routine? One that you have created yourself for yourself? A routine that once was a dream you wished to fulfill with all your heart. Every cell in your body swore to work towards making it your reality. And so you did. It is your reality now. Your routine. A monotony meticulously tailored by you.

What happened? Why is not as beautiful now that it is yours? Is that the problem that it is yours? But... Doesn't beauty lie in the eye of the beholder?
So shouldn't you be taking it as a challenge to find beauty in the thing that you once wanted more than anything in this world, something that is yours now, that you call your routine?
Shouldn't it be categorized as a good and happy thing rather than unexciting and undesirable?

Questions... it's funny how they can sometimes tame these unruly voices. ;)

Celebrating Sadness

"Cling to happy thoughts. Think practical. How does being sad help? What good does it do to anyone around you and more importantly, to yourself?"
Makes sense, right?
Not always.

Why do people believe in nipping sadness in the bud?
Why is it a negative emotion all the time?

I understand prolonged sadness can cause serious problems but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to feel it at all.

If small things can make you happy, why can't small things make you sad?
As long as you won't spend an unusually long time wailing about it.
The sadness will fizz out eventually.

Set your melancholy free. Feel upset. Even if it is something petty. Because in that moment it is the most painful thing happening to you. It's okay. You will be fine soon. Just be there to make yourself fine once you have celebrated the sadness enough.

Give yourself a hug and let yourself know that you may be alone, you are not lonely. Because even if no one else understands, you are there for you. Always. :)

Now, I am reminded of the animated movie 'Inside Out'. If you haven't watched it, please do.

Listening to Bob Dylan...
"From East to West
Ever since the world began
I only mean it for the best
I want to be with you any way I can"

Such an admirable writer!

A little lost.

For a rebel, nothing is worse than not following their heart and becoming a slave to their mind.

............

When you love doing many things, focus becomes a matter of concern. You tend to be partially absent everywhere you are. And that's the test, how well do you manage to strike a balance.

............

Music: Coldplay
Can't get enough!

............

Why is there a need to fit in?
Why do we inadvertently squeeze ourselves in the crowd only to be amongst them?
It might be hard to accept the difference and respect our own eccentricities, but it brings peace.
Acceptance always does.

Having said that, in a world hugely overpopulated with social animals, it's almost impossible to be exclusive. Existence of someone like yourself is certain. However, meeting them is a matter of chance.

............

Humans are so greedy. On accomplishment of a dream, they conceive another one immediately.
Is it really greed? Or just a hope to live further?
For what is life without the hope of... having something or being something or having someone or being somewhere?

.............

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

The Sixteenth

A month ago, on this day, I embarked on the most unexpected journey in my life. A journey that changed my life. A journey of an epic beginning.

Dear Mr. God,

I love you more than ever now. The happiness that my heart contains is of such magnitude that I am afraid to lose even an ounce of it. It feels like magic. You have surprised me, delighted me, blessed me. You have showered me with such love that  it goes beyond my imagination. I will be thankful to you till my last breath.

..........

I am at the Beas. The cold winds are making my lungs quiver. My clothes are not doing a good job at keeping me warm. I am loving the cold. My teeth clatter and my body shivers. I am standing on the rocks submerged in the river that is flowing effortlessly. The icy water is piercing each cell in my legs. My legs go numb after a while. I cannot feel them. I cannot feel the cold. I am smiling as wide as I can. A tear rolls down my cheek. I feel lighter. I am one with the river. I see pine trees around and the gargantuan mountains with a scoop of snow carelessly dropped on them. The river is feeling me, healing me. I feel empty. I feel full. I feel me. I am happiness. I am love. I am the river and she is me. We are one.

My heart yearns for her.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

Going Away.

I can’t wait to cease to exist. I can’t wait to go missing. I can’t wait to lose all connections. I can’t wait to go away.

It’s an exaggeration, of course. I am going on a 15-day adventure trip. There is no cell phone network in that area. So I cannot be contacted neither can I get in touch with people.

Every now and then we all need such breaks. They suck all the negative energies that we keep accumulating incessantly.

‘Kal ke andheron se nikal ke, dekha hai aankhein malte malte…

Ful hi ful zindagi kahan hai. Tey kar liyaaa,
Aaj fir jeene ki tamana hai, aaj fir marne ka irada hai.’

How many times have you wished you were dead?

No, not because life is being too harsh on you, but just for fun or for no reason or perhaps out of anger on a loved one.

My train of thought on ‘going away’ got me thinking on this topic.

I have had a few friends who had at some point mentioned that they wonder what it would be like when they are dead. They were keen to know how their family and friends will cope with it. I deciphered that there was a sense of sadism attached to this thought of theirs. It pleased them to imagine their loved ones craving for them. To be honest, I, too, have thought about it, and yes, I did gain some delight out of it.

It's okay, everyone likes to think in this manner, at least once or twice, because we are a self-centered species. We love it when people love us and want us. We simply love the attention, doesn’t matter if we are dead or alive.

In contrast to the above, can I say that it is our fear of losing that love, respect and want, or the feeling that we are not getting enough? It is not pleasure, but remedy for the pain that stems of out of our anxiety and insecurities.
Think about it.
  

The difference... or distance?

When I decided to switch my career path, I lost one of the common factors in my friendship with some of my very close friends.
When they entered into a serious relationship with their new respective partners, I was truly delighted for them but now there was one more thing that differentiated me from them.
And now, as they consider marriage and life after it, I wish them the very best while also making an addition to the list that keeps us from being on the same page.

Yesterday, I was out with a bunch of people, not friends really. One of them, a well-accomplished lady, mentioned that her best friend has a child and it's been 2 years now. She has been trying for one herself since a long time now.
She said whenever they used to meet, all that friend had to talk about was her daughter. It had begin to become discomforting for her to be in her friend's company now. She was not envious, in fact, she was happy that her friend was blessed with a bundle of joy.
But, she wasn't able to empathize with that friend anymore. They weren't on the same page. Their priorities, their scenarios, their day-to-schedule, everything had changed.
So, she started distancing herself from that woman, not intentionally though. It just happened. They don't meet anymore.

As I was listening to her story, I wondered, isn't it really how I too feel for those close friends of mine? I couldn't get myself to say yes, but I did not say a no as well.

I also thought if they too feel so about this situation. But then, I refuse to believe they do because there's so much going on in their lives, in our lives, that they really wouldn't have the time to sit and contemplate about something as trivial as this. It's merely me over-thinking, as usual.

Sigh...

Sadly, this is not the first time I've been perturbed by this obvious feeling. It has been worrying me since quite some time now. So, it was not this lady's words that triggered this thought. It was always there. I was just scared to admit it to myself so bluntly.

Dad says, "You should do what everyone is doing in order to be a part of the society. You will be happy only if you start living your life like everyone else does, as only then you will be able to maintain your relationships. You can't just stand there while everyone else is taking the next step."

Do I have to? Really?
I am scared. I don't know what to do about it. I never thought 'peer pressure' could actually be so pressurizing.
Perhaps Dad is right...
But, is it something I want to do? 
  
Sometimes I wish, somethings would never change. But, we humans, we are all assholes, we are responsible for most changes that transpire and later brood about them.

Anyway, I shall leave it to the future. Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Time flows differently in everyone's life. Different phases occur to different people at different times. One cannot control it. And, it's fair. It's simply life.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

A final goodbye... to something, which could've defined me, in a way.

And just when I had started to feel lonely, Mr. God sent all those who love me to erase that dirty feeling.
Of course, I love everyone around me because they love me so much, but more than anyone else I love you and my guardian angels (BM & Daddy, I believe)!

Lonliness, just like happiness, is a state of mind and a matter of choice, I guess!

I am so tired and sleepy!

Think no more!

That moment when you finally decide to give up on your 'neurotic' act because it is literally driving you crazy.
And, finally after you come out of your delusional state, you see how badly your absence, ignorance rather, has affected the real people around you.
Good luck dealing with the awful feeling of not being there when they truly needed you!
 
"When words fail, music prevails."

Above & Beyond (Now I know why everyone was going crazy about them)

Katy Perry - Roar

Counting Stars - One Republic

Lana Del Rey (I love her almost as much as Adele)

Hardwell vs Goyte featuring Kimbra - Spaceman (The best mix ever)  

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga (Some songs can never go out of style)

O Womaniya 

I feel that I have newly started deciphering that yes we have all grown up. Now, when people around me are either getting married or are contemplating marriage. This new knowledge has brought along a lot of inhibitions and insecurities about the future.

Note to self:

• Take it easy sometimes, okay?
• Stop taking everything (including yourself) so seriously!
• There's never a need to thoroughly analyze the actions of other people or yourself. Well, not unless you actually join the CBI! 
• Come out of your sick and stupid dream-bubble. Now.    

Lastly,

I am glad that Winter is finally showing up! 

Mixed Fruit Salad.

I don’t know what to do with myself! Procrastination has its roots stuck deep inside of me!

I've read a lot of articles on most writers being a victim to procrastination but I don’t want to be in that writers’ list or at least not in the first hundred.

Solution: Kill the laziness.

I’m feeling sick, physically and mentally.

This Sunday was fun. I miss Winter. 

One thing I noticed, sometimes you tend to say things just for the heck of it, to have a conversation going. At that time you feel what am I saying, do I even mean it, do I agree with myself, why am I talking like that. But, later you’ll realize, it was your sub-conscious mind speaking and it will all make sense then. And perhaps, you might be embarrassed that you revealed your true and hidden feelings out in the open.  

I like working in the nights with light music playing along. I like blogging while doing so. 

You know an eyelash cannot actually fulfill that big dream, that wish of yours but still sometimes out of hope you like to believe that it will do so, and you softly blow it from the back of your palm, which I just got to know is also known as 'Opisthenar'.
What is life without hope? Death, maybe (I know that was a rhetorical question I stated but the answer just came to me instantly.)

Music at the moment:
Life is Short
Since you've been around
Daddy Cool
Here is a heart
Scratch 
Other side of the world
The dog song
(Yes, these are the same old numbers I like.)

There's maddening traffic everyday in Mumbai. Traffic that doesn't allow any vehicle to move for hours! It's becoming difficult to cope with travelling in this city now.

NO HORN OK PLEASE

What is it with Mumbaikars and honking?

Okay so, you are stuck in traffic and want to reach some place urgently so you start honking like mad. For once, please notice that others are also stuck in the same traffic, and the person driving the vehicle ahead of you is not having the time of his life in that situation.

Stop creating unnecessary noise pollution you fucking moron!!

MONSOON GO SOON

Due to rains, all autowalas have become very pricey, quite literally also. I’m so mad at these autowalas; they think of themselves as the kings of Mumbai, which they are not! I badly need a Vespa now.
Soon I shall get one for myself post monsoon.

Anyway,
I should get back to work now and maybe pop another Crocin!

Sigh...

It's Hot!
Thank God for the AC!

Okay so...
Those who say that you have changed and they don't need the new you in their life, never really knew you.
Life is divided into umpteen phases & those who stand by you in every of your phase, only know the true you.
The one who says, "You were an emotional & caring angel earlier and now you've turned into a carefree & outspoken bitch," is here to hamper your growth as a human.
Everyone has to see the bad side of life and if you become strong and not emotionally dependent on anyone, that's an achievement! If someone wants you to be an emotional sissy only so that they feel their own importance in your life, it's better to stay away from them. They define selfishness.
Perhaps they only loved those few qualities in you and not YOU, which is sad! Any person with such similar virtues will serve their purpose, it's not necessary for them that the person should be you.

Also...
No one will come to you when you sulk & brood. NO ONE. Put up a fake happy face and see how people will be hovering around you like bees.

Looking at the brighter side of life, I love my work.
Last week due to my laziness, some of my work had to suffer. I need to be careful about that bit.  

And...
I still get those "You are so lucky" & "Your life is so sorted" reactions from those girls, who are in a relationship or had a bad one in the past.
Haha... it's funny!
At work, all I hear is boyfriend talk! Initially it was annoying because the girls had nothing else to talk about but now I've grown used to it.
One female from work said and I quote, "Once you start seeing someone, that relationship becomes the most important of all other relationships in your life, even your friendships, and you cannot help it. It happens with everyone. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be."
I couldn't agree more with her. And it's valid, love is an exciting emotion and it sets you free because you finally find that ultimate feeling of happiness. So for the person who is the source of this ultimate happiness, it's only fair to put them on a pedestal.

So long bloggy doggy. Thanks, I feel lighter!

Be busy. Be fine.

As we grow up, we care less about the world and more about us.
Or maybe not... it's a plain observation and not a conclusion.

 Heart Attack- Demi Lovato
Skyfall- Adele

I try to keep myself as busy as I can. It helps.

When a couple of so called "best friends" break your trust at the same time, you lose all the faith you ever had. But, as days pass by, the trust on life, on God returns. Though it takes more than just a few days or weeks to trust humans again.

Be the one- Ne-Yo

Self-discipline is an essential requirement for every human being.

"The first and the best victory is to conquer self." - Plato

There are moments when you are not particularly everyone's favorite. In fact, you can't go any more farther from that. During such moments, it's very easy to feel lonely because you don't feel loved. So, go for the midway, try not to feel lonely or loved. You'll feel fine.

Good Intent- Kimbra
Aashiqui 2 - Melodious!

Finally, I decided my path after a lot of thinking, being restless and brooding for days. I sort of now know what I want to do. As of now, stability is something I need to hold on to.

Advertising is fun and intriguing. :)

http://thedreamsville.blogspot.in/2012/09/a-new-me.html - I still believe so and always will.

What goes around comes around- JT

Got to work. Toodles.

'The missing piece' or rather 'The missing peace'

Hair-cut and shopping - Life's good!
I feel beautiful today! :D

With so many positive things happening around, I should be feeling ecstatic but why do I feel like something is missing... What is it that is wrong?
Perhaps I'm so used to having something going amiss with me that when everything's perfect, I'm not able to gulp it in.
Or
There really is something missing...
I know, not going to Goa sucks but I've overcome that  now so that's not the subject of my anxiety.

Sigh...

I'm stupid!

Locked out of heaven - Bruno Mars
Jiya re - Neeti Mohan (JTHJ)

I reminisce, a few weeks back I was thinking, the ones who stand by your side, even during the moments when you hate them, are the ones who really and truly love you. But then, I discerned that these people still love you because you never showcased your hatred expressly, you either abhorred them inwardly or behaved a little cranky with them at times.
The truth is, No one can stand you, when you start behaving the way you feel, no matter how special or important you are to them!

I guess...

The big big bang by Rock Mafia - LOVE IT!

If you think that you can get us anytime you want... you are highly mistaken!! We know to stand for ourselves and we aren't scared or ashamed of doing so!! - To all those jerks who take us women as weak objects!

Some old connections losing the shine and some new ones coming into picture... Is it a phase or that's how its supposed to be?
Only time will tell...

Today I was feeling like I should try to reconnect with a few very old friends, who haven't been in touch for months now but I did not get the time to do so... I guess, the feeling was not strong enough to make me take some time out for reconnecting.

25 days left for the exams. Not a good feeling.

I always enjoy listening to All I want is you from the movie Juno.

Priorities. Funny word. It changes its meaning every now and then. Meaning and not definition.

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen has been consistent on my playlist for weeks now...
'....Hey I just met you 
and this is craxy
but here's my number 
so call me maybe

It's hard to look right 
at you baby 
but here's my number 
so call me maybe...'

Whenever I'm asked to choose who's right and who's wrong out of two friends who are having a disagreement or out of my mom and my brother when they fight, it's just so hard, I can never decide or rather I can but I don't know how to tell the wrong one (as per me), they are wrong.
Sigh...
Mr God how do you do it all the time?! Your job is tough, indeed. Being the decision maker is never easy, not even if you are God.

That reminds me, I wanna watch 'Oh my God' but I guess, that'll be only after my exams now.

And,
Abbreviating the film name was started by the Johars I guess. DDLJ K3G KANK, etc. and now SOTY for 'Student of the year'! Although all film-makers do it now.

Listening to Payphone by Maroon 5, I don't like it that much though.

Damn, this "October heat" is killing me!

And lastly,
You have just lost it. I never thought you would. Bah... I over-estimated you and under-estimated me. Haha... Nonetheless, it's just good to know that I really did learn that lesson in the past and am carrying it with me. Yes, it wasn't easy back then but that was long time back and I realized how it was all planned by Mr God just so that I could have my little epiphany. Now, the time has changed... I always thought you had changed but... I don't know about you, I surely have... for good. It was a disorder, I maybe still having it but it's under the surface and I'm gonna try to hide it there for the rest of my life cause it's certainly not easy to get rid off once it shows up.

P.S.: The post is titled 'I guess...' because of the frequent usage of this expression in here. 

Missing on me-time

Times when you've been feeling extremely thoughtless... No matter how hard you try to bring up something to think about in your head, you just can't!
And, for a person who loves pondering over stuff... these are not the 'good' times!

There are times when you want to be around your friends and feel that warmth...
And, those times when you want no one around, you are simply happy being with yourself...

Listening to 'Here is a heart' by Jenny Owen Youngs...

I'm really awestruck by people who know what they want in life, from life. They don't realize how cool it is to have their goals set! I mean most of us are totally clueless about every little thing, not being in the 'nonplussed' category is something to be proud of... But then, as they say, you never value anything you have.

sigh

You know, I'm getting that feeling... when you are standing on one side of the highway, waiting to cross but all the automobiles are racing at such a pace that you just have to stand there looking at them and at that opposite side of the road...
There's no reason attached... it's just how I feel at the moment...

'Jao naa' from 'What's your rashee' - an all time favorite.

Being around too many people for long always does this to me... Perhaps, it's because I don't get much of 'me-time' now-a-days...

Grey's Anatomy- New addiction. Stress buster. Me-time. :)