Age of Realisation or Realisation of Age

I have started realising why people keep wishing they could go back in time when they were younger & frivolous. As you grow up and begin planning about how and where you wish to see yourself in another 10 years, you somehow start losing the frivolousness and the audacity to follow your heart, your instincts. Every decision you take needs to be thought through. Every step you take has to be analysed. Every move you make should be calculated. And, all these stumbling blocks are built by us. We do it to ourselves, and apparently for ourselves. Suddenly, all those "Live in the moment"and "Carpe Diem" doctrines go out of the window. Because you are a mature individual now - a grown up. You look at life with a distinct perspective. You have to. After all, you have exhausted all the free lunches that you were entitled to.

I am 27 years old.
In India, a girl of my age is not considered to be young. I think I can't even call myself a girl anymore here. Because I am a "woman". However, I still feel like a girl, so I will anyway.
Time just flies away. Kids would earlier call me Didi (elder sister), but since a couple of years, they have started addressing me as Aunty. Perhaps my age is showing. Though I have observed, it's more often the parent of the kid who decides if I am a Didi or an Aunty. Not that it matters to me. It's just the way the society has been moulded. Out of 10, 8 of my friends, who belong to my age group, are married and from those 8, 4 already have kids or are about to give birth.

Isn't it all about choices you make in life?

Choices. Decisions. I don't like making decisions. The big ones. The perturbing ones. Ones that have impact on someone else's life too. I never enjoyed making decisions anyway. But now, because I am a "grown up", this task has become more arduous. The future, no matter how uncertain, glares at me with its eyes wide open, each time I think of deciding to do what I wish to and not what I have to.

I am certain 5 years later, there is going to be a paradigm shift in the way I look at life. I will smile and look back at the present me just as I am doing right now at the younger me.

A little lost.

For a rebel, nothing is worse than not following their heart and becoming a slave to their mind.

............

When you love doing many things, focus becomes a matter of concern. You tend to be partially absent everywhere you are. And that's the test, how well do you manage to strike a balance.

............

Music: Coldplay
Can't get enough!

............

Why is there a need to fit in?
Why do we inadvertently squeeze ourselves in the crowd only to be amongst them?
It might be hard to accept the difference and respect our own eccentricities, but it brings peace.
Acceptance always does.

Having said that, in a world hugely overpopulated with social animals, it's almost impossible to be exclusive. Existence of someone like yourself is certain. However, meeting them is a matter of chance.

............

Humans are so greedy. On accomplishment of a dream, they conceive another one immediately.
Is it really greed? Or just a hope to live further?
For what is life without the hope of... having something or being something or having someone or being somewhere?

.............

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

The boon.

Introspection is good. One should do it seldom if not often. You need to evaluate the person you have been, the person you are and the person you are becoming. It helps you in being a good human. On the flip side, overdoing it might lead to negative thoughts.

There are days when you are not pleased with who you are. When people point out your flaws. You might defend yourself in front of them. But deep inside your heart, you know you are to blame.

Sigh...

Life is as complicated as you make it. True, isn't it? Half the troubles of life are created by us. We are all delusional people. We think a lot. Demons are mostly inside, and rarely out.
But, so is peace.
Buddha had said, 'Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.'

Everything is a choice. Every moment is a decision. Whether to inhale the next dose of oxygen or not is a decision.
There are days when you feel exasperated and tired of making decisions, and you wish you don't have to make them anymore. But even wishing so is a decision you took.
We cannot get rid of them. And trust me, it's not a curse, but a boon.

Imagine if one day someone steals all the power of decision making away from us...
There will not be any life.

We humans know it best how to misuse our boon, and call it a curse in order to escape from reality. To escape from the person you have been, the person you are and the person you are becoming.

The voice?

The voice that comes from within. The one that has a faint texture. And speaks your instinct and intuition. The voice that is you, your soul. 

How do you know if it is that voice helping you to make a decision or it is the opinions of others or the demand of the situation? Or is it just the random flow of occurrences that has forced you to take a step without calculating anything?

How do you know?

Maybe you never know...

It will be whatever you choose to believe. 

This year has been a joyful and exhilarating ride so far. A season of newness. A chapter with too many twists and turns. 

Today's Playlist:

Phir Le Aya - Arijit Singh

Phir Se Ud Chala - Mohit Chauhan

Peekaboo - Coke Studio

Pataka Guddi - Jyoti and Sultana Nooran

Pardesi - Amit Trivedi

Time will tell.

Decisions. I still don't like them. 

How do you decide that you will be doing something for the rest of your life? It feels like prison. Despite the fact that I have picked a prison of my own choice, it still is a prison. I don't want it. I don't want to be imprisoned. I am not meant for those shackles. Those chains, they don't belong to me. 

I feel suffocated. I want to fly away. To a place far far away. Just by myself.

As an afterthought, it occurred to me that maybe what I reckon to be a decision, is not a decision after all. Perhaps it is an occurrence that was destined to transpire. And maybe what I perceive to be as chains that will pull me back or limit me, are wings that will help me fly higher. 

Maybe...

I cannot know now...

Time will tell. 

I think I will choose to believe in the latter. There, I made yet another decision. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much! 

The difference... or distance?

When I decided to switch my career path, I lost one of the common factors in my friendship with some of my very close friends.
When they entered into a serious relationship with their new respective partners, I was truly delighted for them but now there was one more thing that differentiated me from them.
And now, as they consider marriage and life after it, I wish them the very best while also making an addition to the list that keeps us from being on the same page.

Yesterday, I was out with a bunch of people, not friends really. One of them, a well-accomplished lady, mentioned that her best friend has a child and it's been 2 years now. She has been trying for one herself since a long time now.
She said whenever they used to meet, all that friend had to talk about was her daughter. It had begin to become discomforting for her to be in her friend's company now. She was not envious, in fact, she was happy that her friend was blessed with a bundle of joy.
But, she wasn't able to empathize with that friend anymore. They weren't on the same page. Their priorities, their scenarios, their day-to-schedule, everything had changed.
So, she started distancing herself from that woman, not intentionally though. It just happened. They don't meet anymore.

As I was listening to her story, I wondered, isn't it really how I too feel for those close friends of mine? I couldn't get myself to say yes, but I did not say a no as well.

I also thought if they too feel so about this situation. But then, I refuse to believe they do because there's so much going on in their lives, in our lives, that they really wouldn't have the time to sit and contemplate about something as trivial as this. It's merely me over-thinking, as usual.

Sigh...

Sadly, this is not the first time I've been perturbed by this obvious feeling. It has been worrying me since quite some time now. So, it was not this lady's words that triggered this thought. It was always there. I was just scared to admit it to myself so bluntly.

Dad says, "You should do what everyone is doing in order to be a part of the society. You will be happy only if you start living your life like everyone else does, as only then you will be able to maintain your relationships. You can't just stand there while everyone else is taking the next step."

Do I have to? Really?
I am scared. I don't know what to do about it. I never thought 'peer pressure' could actually be so pressurizing.
Perhaps Dad is right...
But, is it something I want to do? 
  
Sometimes I wish, somethings would never change. But, we humans, we are all assholes, we are responsible for most changes that transpire and later brood about them.

Anyway, I shall leave it to the future. Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Time flows differently in everyone's life. Different phases occur to different people at different times. One cannot control it. And, it's fair. It's simply life.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

A final goodbye... to something, which could've defined me, in a way.

I guess...

The big big bang by Rock Mafia - LOVE IT!

If you think that you can get us anytime you want... you are highly mistaken!! We know to stand for ourselves and we aren't scared or ashamed of doing so!! - To all those jerks who take us women as weak objects!

Some old connections losing the shine and some new ones coming into picture... Is it a phase or that's how its supposed to be?
Only time will tell...

Today I was feeling like I should try to reconnect with a few very old friends, who haven't been in touch for months now but I did not get the time to do so... I guess, the feeling was not strong enough to make me take some time out for reconnecting.

25 days left for the exams. Not a good feeling.

I always enjoy listening to All I want is you from the movie Juno.

Priorities. Funny word. It changes its meaning every now and then. Meaning and not definition.

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen has been consistent on my playlist for weeks now...
'....Hey I just met you 
and this is craxy
but here's my number 
so call me maybe

It's hard to look right 
at you baby 
but here's my number 
so call me maybe...'

Whenever I'm asked to choose who's right and who's wrong out of two friends who are having a disagreement or out of my mom and my brother when they fight, it's just so hard, I can never decide or rather I can but I don't know how to tell the wrong one (as per me), they are wrong.
Sigh...
Mr God how do you do it all the time?! Your job is tough, indeed. Being the decision maker is never easy, not even if you are God.

That reminds me, I wanna watch 'Oh my God' but I guess, that'll be only after my exams now.

And,
Abbreviating the film name was started by the Johars I guess. DDLJ K3G KANK, etc. and now SOTY for 'Student of the year'! Although all film-makers do it now.

Listening to Payphone by Maroon 5, I don't like it that much though.

Damn, this "October heat" is killing me!

And lastly,
You have just lost it. I never thought you would. Bah... I over-estimated you and under-estimated me. Haha... Nonetheless, it's just good to know that I really did learn that lesson in the past and am carrying it with me. Yes, it wasn't easy back then but that was long time back and I realized how it was all planned by Mr God just so that I could have my little epiphany. Now, the time has changed... I always thought you had changed but... I don't know about you, I surely have... for good. It was a disorder, I maybe still having it but it's under the surface and I'm gonna try to hide it there for the rest of my life cause it's certainly not easy to get rid off once it shows up.

P.S.: The post is titled 'I guess...' because of the frequent usage of this expression in here. 

It's complicated... NAH!! It's simply me. ;)

Okay so, 'moving on' turned out to be having two faces. Which way should I take up and will it be right...? I have no clue but I have finally chosen and I'm gonna stick to that... It's just too hard to give up, not because I'm scared but because somewhere in my heart I still believe that I can... I just hope that I don't disappoint me this time...

Have I mentioned before how I hate choosing!!


"Just because I'm losing
 doesn't mean I'm lost
 doesn't mean I'll stop
 doesn't mean I'm across..." - COLDPLAY 
#loveit

Envy- is when you wish you were living someone else's life for that little moment...

It's not easy being yourself when you do not know who you really are....

And,
That moment when you realize... "Seriously, what was I thinking?? I never had a shot... and somehow I'm glad that I didn't!!"
Strange isn't it, I wanted something to happen so desperately for so long but it did not happen and so somehow I just argued myself into believing that it wasn't ever meant to be and now when I get to know that it can actualize, I mean there chances of it to happen... I don't want it anymore!
So what is it?
Is it my super convincing power OR perhaps, I was never really into it, ever... You never know...
But, as of now I'm sorted about it.

Life never fails to amuse you and the antithesis is that this is the best as well as the worst part about it!

'It's raining men' by Geri Halliwell- an all time favorite!

Complication has become my way of life now and I'm totally acclimated to it.
I kinda do it myself, though subconsciously. I guess, simplicity is just not my scene... And, I am more than okay with it!
 

Hoping and hoping and hoping and still hoping.....

Why can't rationality and positivity go hand in hand, for once?!
If I am positive, I am being impractical and if I am practical, then I lack a positive attitude...


So how do I do this?
Should I be positive about the future outcomes and then accept whatever that transpires later? 
OR 
Should I practice a rational approach, stop weaving stupid dreams and living in denial and accept what might happen in the future, right from the beginning?
.......................
Jeez... I guess, I'll keep oscillating between the two, because we can never decide what we want to feel or think... maybe we try to curb those feelings when they erupt at first but we can never stop them from coming to life...


hmm....


A Jewish proverb, "I ask not for lighter burden, but for broader shoulders".


The other day, I was watching SNL and I saw this gig where Justin Timberlake was a bottle of beer and Lady Gaga played a bottle of wine.... I loved that gig and the way JT said "Bring it on down to liquorville" each time, was H-O-T!!


Things, people that you leave behind... and times when you wish you could still have them... Isn't it strange, when we can have it, we never want it and once it's gone and not available anymore, you feel as though you always wanted it... 
ABSURD is the word for us humans!

And, 
When someone suddenly gets the life you've always dreamed of... the exact same things happen to them that you happened to dream (or rather day-dream) to be happening with you... and now you are just a mere spectator to all of it... it leaves you stumped, blued, speechless and exasperated!!!
And then comes acceptance... which marks the beginning of your new set of dreams!!


I am becoming unhinged by each passing day.... DUDE, wake up and let bygones (really) be bygones!! 


Anyway just 2 days more and a different shade of craziness will begin... I wanted things to go well so that I would welcome this new phase with a HUGE smile... nevertheless, I can still manage an average smile ;)


'Hit the road Jack' by Ray Charles always sets my mood up! What a pep-up!

Happily imperfect!

Belated Happy Holi Bloggy-doggy!! :*
Dil toh pagal hai- the movie, the songs - :) :) :)


Finally, catching up. A little relieved. Though I still have a long long way to go but at least I've begun. :)


Perfection. What is that?! Does it really exist? Well, who cares... I am happily imperfect!!


Trekking: Fun...
Trek-tan: Annoying!
Friends: Necessity


The joy of buying a new skirt can be actually felt only when you have someone who'll be as excited as you about it!
To the two of you: We'll always be the 'awesome threesome' we are. Love you both! The best thing about the three of us is we all truly enjoy and value the bond we share. Who says two is company, three is crowd?!
I don't hope, I know this bond is gonna stay unbiased and intact forever!!


I've been having too much of cocoa these days! It's yumm!
Missing someone you never had in your life but still is a part of your life.
When you listen to someone talking about themself and you realize how their little habits and way of thinking are similar to yours. You know, all of us are so similar in some way or the other.


When you feel like going back in time, taking up the opportunity that you'd turned down then, just so that you know what it would be like if you had chosen things to be otherwise.
Times when you willingly allow certain people to walk out of your life... and when you finally quit doubting your decision about it or rather you just learn to accept it. Because there'll always be what-if's, whether whatever you choose... because there'll be this other thing that you did not select. And, you always have to choose, in fact your destiny is based on what you choose. At least I believe so. You invariably have two ways to go about it, be it anything, Mr God has his book of fate well-written for both your ways, if you choose the first way, your destiny is based on that and if you choose the other way, you destiny will be based on that! So basically, most of the times it's OUR choice and the rest is up to the destiny!


Love: Utterly Beautiful
But, Love at first sight : BS!!


Expectations can be scary at times.


The entire world has become a victim to the atrocious mosquitoes!! Every person I talk to, whines about being mosquito-stricken! I am finding it eminently arduous to find a cure for this! I mean... my house is clean, windows are shut, Ac's on, mosquito coil and liquid mosquito destroyer together working in this room and still they are eating me up!! We actually have those mosquito killing electric rackets at my place! I feel like I am living in some amazon forest! Sick! Mr God please, please, don't make us pay for our bad karma like this!


Love aaj kal- One Bolly movie that portrayed true love, I believe! I like it!
I simply love Maroon 5. Listening to 'Won't go home without you'...


Thoughtless.
Wasted a lot of time. Have to study!!
Ciao!

The subject of matter

When in a sticky situation...at first, you fret about the fact that no one understands you and when someone actually understands... what happens next? What happens after getting an "I understand" from someone? Is the problem solved?
No, it isn't! You are still there. In the same place where you were before that person or anyone fathomed you. So how does it matter?! Really?
'No one understands me'... A statement that's void ab initio. Because, why should someone or anyone understand you, when their comprehension is actually worth a diddly and if it's not at all conducive to the situation! Rather than concentrating on making things better, we brood about no one grasping us!
But still.. we are humans (and I am no different)... we love to feel that no one understands us... so be it!


I've always done what I've wanted to do, be it right or wrong! I've always followed my heart (well, 98% of the times)... But when the heart is misleading you to do something that it knows is not good for you, in any possible way... the pleasure won't be worth the pain, at all... then it's advisable not to follow it! Certain times it is necessary to follow your brain! Because you have got to be rational, logical and practical, to understand the gravity of the situation! Life really has been a party (since quite sometime now)... but just like every other party, this one also has to be ended! Fun cannot be the only essence of life! I need to put a break to the 'My way or the highway' thing that I've been practicing!!

In both the above paragraphs... All that matters is the knowledge and acumen of the subject of matter in those situations!

Never back down is a nice movie. I quite liked it!
Stronger by Kelly Clarkson- Awesome!

Less than 2months left for the exams! I should be studying now! Mr God... Please, the 3D's... deliver them to me ASAP!!

Today...

'Bumpy ride' by Mohombi is one of the best groovy track ever! How I love fast dance numbers!! I can really dance all day if I get a chance!

I love Milkybar and Milk treat. White chocolates are yummy! I remember when I was in school, Milkybar was newly introduced and it used to be wrapped in this hard paper cover, on the back of which, there used to be a tiny Milkybar man comic strip. Each time Milkybar man used to eat the bar, he would kick the villain's ass, bad! I loved Milkybar man!

Today, when I was heading back home via a moderately crowded train, I was tired and wanted to sit but all the seats were pre-occupied with 3 females. I started looking around to spot a seat occupied with thinner women so I could get a decent place to sit. I found one and asked the ladies to shift in and make some space for me but they hardly budged, the place offered to me was not even big enough for a 5 yr old but I was so weary that I somehow managed to sit on that edge. I was very pissed and just as I started thinking, how Mumbaikars don't care about each other and why will a stranger's discomfort ever matter to them unless they themselves are at ease.... the lady sitting on the opposite seat noticed me and she asked the other two females sitting next to her to shift in properly, she made enough room and asked me to sit there! God bless that angelic lady! I mean, you can never conclude on Mumbai.... On one hand there are these narcissist people who don't give a damn whatever happens to you and on the other hand there are these compassionate Mumbaikars who try to do something to get you out of a sticky situation!
There are many such little incidences that happen with you everyday that make you feel good and bad about a particular thing at the same time and of course I cannot list out every such event every day, this one was fresh in mind so I decided to put it here.

I miss writing so much! I'll get back as soon as my exams get over. It's been like more than 7 months now that I'd done any assignment. It made me happy! Even the pressure made me feel good about myself. I really miss that feeling a lot!

'In the end it was you' by Kat Deluna - :o)
'Without you' by David Guetta is also amazing!

Have I ever said how much I love 'Friends' and 'Everybody loves Raymond'?! Ohh yess I have, several times!! And, I can say it a million more times... I just can't get bored of them! EVER!!

90 days to go for the exams..... Ciao!

Qualms and consternations...!!

To begin with, it's one of my very good friend's birthday so I would like to wish all the good in the world for him!

Now,

When the heck will I learn to let go the 'bygones' and the 'what-if's'?! If this really happen's, more than half of my troubles will wither away!! 

I've also discerned that since past few months, I've been contradicting my ownself! I decide on a thing, very firmly (be it the smallest decision or an important one), and then eventually I do the complete opposite of what I had decided! 

I know, it happens with everyone but lately, the frequency of it happening with me is more than usual... I am scared of myself because of this. Whatever I want to do (and it should be done that way), I do the exact opposite! Something has gone terribly wrong with my system! It's high time I do something about it! 

I mean, if I can't trust ME to do the right things, I'll sure make my life messier! I have to listen to ME!! 

(Yeah I know, it's confounding!)  

Listening to 'Locking up the sun' by Poets of Fall... love the song!

Then, there are a few songs, I like as well as dislike... 

There are a few things I can't blog about, that's why journals exist and I have written in mine. But the fear about IT is undermining me! I am so daunted by IT! I hope I am walking on the right path. Or am I being too repressive.. Life is such a mystery, you never know, whether what you have chose is right or wrong...

Birthdays... Why are they SO important?! 

Also, I've been trying to study since last two days but I am not doing it! I know, the word 'TRY' doesn't exist. You either DO or you DON'T! I hope I start up soon...

Or maybe, I should just STOP cogitating and anticipating on certain things!! 

 

Me, the movie freak!!

Phew... I can die from an overdose of love-stories!! I have been thriving on 2 romantic movies per day since last three days! I am on a break for a week, from studies so I have been pampering myself by doing everything in excess (including excess-eating...LOL, though that is something I always do & not just while I am on breaks)... But seriously I should stop watching love stories, it makes me feel girlier than I actually am!!! (Yes, I do know, girlier is not a real word)


Listening to High school musical songs, Hannah Montana songs and Lizzie McGuire music takes me back to my teenage years and all the memories come rushing back, making me feel happy and sad at the same moment...
"It's hard to believe that I couldn't see, you were always there besides me, thought I was alone, with no one to hold but you were always right besides me....", such an awesome HSM song!
See, I told you, I am getting all mushy and silly and tooo girly!!


Tomorrow's 'To-do' list:
Watch 'Wild things', 'Gothika' and 'X-Men 2' to get the mush out.


I've been blogging everyday (rather every night). Also I've been writing my diary too much... Maybe I am trying to keep the writing alive in me... I dont want it go away... Decisions & choices are very difficult to deal with...


Looking at the old photos, is one way of realizing how time has just flied by. Around 13.5 years back, I had a baby in my hands.  From his first walk, first words & first report card to changing his diapers, carrying him in my arms, taking him everywhere I went, it all seems like a sweet and pretty dream... Now, he's got a slight mustache & he's too huge to carry him in my arms... But no matter how many years pass by, you will always be my baby and my first love... Oh God, I don't know how will I ever be able to share him with yet another woman!  


Anyway, 
why do people choose to go for a movie on the basis of the reviews? Are their choices so generic? I mean, I used to think every person is different and they have differing choices, then how come do they decide to watch a movie based on someone else's reviews and opinions? May be you'll like the movie with a bad review, maybe you will really find it entertaining... After reading the newspaper review, you will so definitely have the same perception about it! Why do people ALWAYS have to be so logical and judgmental? Cant they watch a movie for sole entertainment purposes without judging it much?! You shouldn't think so much for seeing a movie, just watch it, simple! I love watching movies for the sake of entertainment, fun and emotions and not on the basis of some stupid weekly review!! Anyway, I care too less about whatever people think in this regard.


......

Abruptly Absurd or Absurdly Abrupt !!

I turned on my computer, at this point in time, despite of having class at 7AM tomorrow or rather today and considering the fact that I am "super-punctual" and "highly determined" towards attending my actually valuable and imperative lectures, it's an audacious thing to do!! But I needed to blog this as I wanted me to understand the importance of what I've lost and what I still hold the ability to lose! Today, all day, I kept lecturing myself and this is the last rebuke of the day...!! Please for heaven's sake, UNDERSTAND the earnestness of the situation 'Mr stupid and ignorant mind' or else you know what can happen!! 
(The title of this post very efficiently defines me!!)


Anyway, it hurts when SOME people stop missing you and they are absolutely fine and cool with your absence! When life gets monotonous, we realize the importance of 'Change'. Be it good or bad, changes are required!! There can be nothing worse than living in monotony!! 


The 'coyote ugly' movie soundtrack is amazing, I like almost all songs of the movie.


But the song that suits me the most in most of the situations is 'Main aisa kyun hun...', a Hindi song from a bolly movie 'Lakhshya'. If they ever decide to make a female version of that song, they just CANNOT find a better specimen than me to enact it (I don't mind singing it either but then I am dubious of whether any sane person would ever take heart to hear it!)

Rather me...

The closed door opened, when she just started exploring a small new path,

She was attracted towards that bright light coming from the other side of the grand opened gateway.

And then, she discerned that she’ll never be able to walk on the newly discovered path…

She was ambling towards the enticing gateway and hoping that the small path, she had carved when she had no hope of the shut door opening, shall meet the road beyond the gateway....