Turning 31

Early this week I was in the mood to watch a chick-flick and I chose ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’. The movie opens with Bridget stating she is 32 years old and the rest follows. Have you noticed, in most western ‘coming-of-age’, romcom, etc. movies, the female protagonists are in their 30s? Okay remember, what is Carrie Bradshaw’s age in Sex and the City’s first episode? Another point to be noted in such shows and movies, is people in 20s are shown as too young and immature.

On the contrary, in Indian cinema, in 1990s and before, the female lead would be in her teens! And nowadays, they have graduated to be in their early 20s. 

Now, I am not trying to belittle any culture here as I understand every society has had a history and is the way it is for a reason, which is a very different and wide topic and can be discussed at another time. 

What I am trying to say is, we are a society that endorses (and ensures) childhood meets a premature death and old age blooms early. And, as feminist as it sounds, it is true that this is more so for the girls!

• Get married in early 20’s
• Have babies by mid-20s
• Make your life all about your family in your 30s
• Become a purpose-less, hopeless old hag in your 40s
• Make religion/God your priority in your 50s
• Wait for your death in and after 60s

Now, I am not saying that women are asked to follow the above timeline. I mean we are raised in a way that this seeps into our subconscious so discreetly, we don’t realize it until we are in the later phase of this pre-designed life. Perhaps this is changing for some and may be not for some.

Last year after I turned 30, I went through this gloomy phase for a few weeks. I have always followed my heart and rebelled my way through life so far and I was feeling like the best part of my life has just ended and that it will only go downhill further on! All this until I had the revelation (as above) about why do I really feel the way I do.

Scientifically, yes, the body gets older and gradually weaker as we grow. But how we feel or should feel does not depend on it, at least, not entirely. Moreover, ‘the best part of life’ is something we usually don't realise when living it. We will only see it that way, once it has passed or when it is about to come. 

Yesterday, I turned 31. There are many changes in the way I see and perceive things now. May be I don’t get enthusiastic too often as I have met many a new experience already. May be I am not as interested in everything that comes along my way. May be I am not always open to new friendships. May be it all sounds a little less adventurous. May be this what 'older and wiser' looks like. But, the inner curious child in me is still very much alive. And, I believe life has only just begun and that the quest to ‘I don’t know what’ continues in all its glory. 

PS: These are strictly my observations and not a judgement on any particular persons. If they seem condescending, perhaps you should question yourself.  

Song paying in my head - Dance Monkey by Tones and I

The boon.

Introspection is good. One should do it seldom if not often. You need to evaluate the person you have been, the person you are and the person you are becoming. It helps you in being a good human. On the flip side, overdoing it might lead to negative thoughts.

There are days when you are not pleased with who you are. When people point out your flaws. You might defend yourself in front of them. But deep inside your heart, you know you are to blame.

Sigh...

Life is as complicated as you make it. True, isn't it? Half the troubles of life are created by us. We are all delusional people. We think a lot. Demons are mostly inside, and rarely out.
But, so is peace.
Buddha had said, 'Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.'

Everything is a choice. Every moment is a decision. Whether to inhale the next dose of oxygen or not is a decision.
There are days when you feel exasperated and tired of making decisions, and you wish you don't have to make them anymore. But even wishing so is a decision you took.
We cannot get rid of them. And trust me, it's not a curse, but a boon.

Imagine if one day someone steals all the power of decision making away from us...
There will not be any life.

We humans know it best how to misuse our boon, and call it a curse in order to escape from reality. To escape from the person you have been, the person you are and the person you are becoming.

Schooling

It is astounding how people unknowingly and unintentionally teach you such important lessons of life. 

You never know the story hidden underneath a face. Why they smile like they do. Why they weep like they do. Why they talk like they do. Why they choose to stay the way they are. 

A million tiny reasons lie behind them being them. 

There is so much to learn from every person around. From their little habits to how they manage their emotions and face challenges. 

Or sometimes some of them show you what not to do at their own expense without realizing. 

When I look around, I don't see people. I see millions of experiences, thousands of hopes, hundreds of storms entangled and integrated with each other to form a body-like shape. 

Oftentimes I try to decode them, with the knowledge that whatever I can imagine their story to be, wouldn't even be close to what their reality must have been. 

It is true, the world is a school and everyone around has a dual role to play of a teacher and student.

The Sixteenth

A month ago, on this day, I embarked on the most unexpected journey in my life. A journey that changed my life. A journey of an epic beginning.

Dear Mr. God,

I love you more than ever now. The happiness that my heart contains is of such magnitude that I am afraid to lose even an ounce of it. It feels like magic. You have surprised me, delighted me, blessed me. You have showered me with such love that  it goes beyond my imagination. I will be thankful to you till my last breath.

..........

I am at the Beas. The cold winds are making my lungs quiver. My clothes are not doing a good job at keeping me warm. I am loving the cold. My teeth clatter and my body shivers. I am standing on the rocks submerged in the river that is flowing effortlessly. The icy water is piercing each cell in my legs. My legs go numb after a while. I cannot feel them. I cannot feel the cold. I am smiling as wide as I can. A tear rolls down my cheek. I feel lighter. I am one with the river. I see pine trees around and the gargantuan mountains with a scoop of snow carelessly dropped on them. The river is feeling me, healing me. I feel empty. I feel full. I feel me. I am happiness. I am love. I am the river and she is me. We are one.

My heart yearns for her.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

Think no more!

That moment when you finally decide to give up on your 'neurotic' act because it is literally driving you crazy.
And, finally after you come out of your delusional state, you see how badly your absence, ignorance rather, has affected the real people around you.
Good luck dealing with the awful feeling of not being there when they truly needed you!
 
"When words fail, music prevails."

Above & Beyond (Now I know why everyone was going crazy about them)

Katy Perry - Roar

Counting Stars - One Republic

Lana Del Rey (I love her almost as much as Adele)

Hardwell vs Goyte featuring Kimbra - Spaceman (The best mix ever)  

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga (Some songs can never go out of style)

O Womaniya 

I feel that I have newly started deciphering that yes we have all grown up. Now, when people around me are either getting married or are contemplating marriage. This new knowledge has brought along a lot of inhibitions and insecurities about the future.

Note to self:

• Take it easy sometimes, okay?
• Stop taking everything (including yourself) so seriously!
• There's never a need to thoroughly analyze the actions of other people or yourself. Well, not unless you actually join the CBI! 
• Come out of your sick and stupid dream-bubble. Now.    

Lastly,

I am glad that Winter is finally showing up! 

I guess...

The big big bang by Rock Mafia - LOVE IT!

If you think that you can get us anytime you want... you are highly mistaken!! We know to stand for ourselves and we aren't scared or ashamed of doing so!! - To all those jerks who take us women as weak objects!

Some old connections losing the shine and some new ones coming into picture... Is it a phase or that's how its supposed to be?
Only time will tell...

Today I was feeling like I should try to reconnect with a few very old friends, who haven't been in touch for months now but I did not get the time to do so... I guess, the feeling was not strong enough to make me take some time out for reconnecting.

25 days left for the exams. Not a good feeling.

I always enjoy listening to All I want is you from the movie Juno.

Priorities. Funny word. It changes its meaning every now and then. Meaning and not definition.

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen has been consistent on my playlist for weeks now...
'....Hey I just met you 
and this is craxy
but here's my number 
so call me maybe

It's hard to look right 
at you baby 
but here's my number 
so call me maybe...'

Whenever I'm asked to choose who's right and who's wrong out of two friends who are having a disagreement or out of my mom and my brother when they fight, it's just so hard, I can never decide or rather I can but I don't know how to tell the wrong one (as per me), they are wrong.
Sigh...
Mr God how do you do it all the time?! Your job is tough, indeed. Being the decision maker is never easy, not even if you are God.

That reminds me, I wanna watch 'Oh my God' but I guess, that'll be only after my exams now.

And,
Abbreviating the film name was started by the Johars I guess. DDLJ K3G KANK, etc. and now SOTY for 'Student of the year'! Although all film-makers do it now.

Listening to Payphone by Maroon 5, I don't like it that much though.

Damn, this "October heat" is killing me!

And lastly,
You have just lost it. I never thought you would. Bah... I over-estimated you and under-estimated me. Haha... Nonetheless, it's just good to know that I really did learn that lesson in the past and am carrying it with me. Yes, it wasn't easy back then but that was long time back and I realized how it was all planned by Mr God just so that I could have my little epiphany. Now, the time has changed... I always thought you had changed but... I don't know about you, I surely have... for good. It was a disorder, I maybe still having it but it's under the surface and I'm gonna try to hide it there for the rest of my life cause it's certainly not easy to get rid off once it shows up.

P.S.: The post is titled 'I guess...' because of the frequent usage of this expression in here. 

Work-in-process

When you are being the bad guy, yelling and arguing while that little voice inside you is constantly asking you to shut up... but you just pretend as if you didn't hear it and continue being wrong, talking ill, which eventually results in a huge lump of guilt in your throat....

Anger is never good... Admitting is easy but eliminating it is certainly not!

Sometimes it just feels as though I am living a perfect life in an imperfect and erroneous manner.
It was easier when I was a teen, I used to blame God for anything wrong that happened with me, with my life...
But, as I grew up, I realized, He is not to blame, it's me... for this is not my life, this is a gift He's given to me, I'm the one who's not able to figure out how to deal with the gift... I cannot hold him culpable for anything as He's only responsible for the good things that have happened to me while me and my karma are responsible for all the bad things...
So since a few years, I actually have no one to pass on the blame... perhaps that's the source of all the anger generating within... but for how long??
Maybe, just as time taught me not to blame Him, it will also teach me to deal with all the anger...

I trust in You and no one can change that Mr God! :)
I may not be regularly visiting Your shrine... but I just don't need to because I know you are here... all the time; looking out for me! :*

And last but not the least,
Happy Independence day!
Yes, we still are a developing country, we still are struggling with immense poverty and corruption, we haven't bagged a gold in Olympics since last 3 decades... BUT there is something that has changed we are not as inert as we used to be towards the ills of the society, we are trying to search the answers, we have started pointing towards the wrong even if the wrong is someone sitting on the throne, we did bag 2 silver and 4 bronze medals and stood 55th out of the 83 participant countries and we are one of the fastest growing economies on this globe...
Desh badal raha hain....
I hope our great freedom- fighters up there would be happy to see that we are still fighting, fighting to be the best...

I found perfect!

I've been to Lonavala countless times but on Saturday, when I was there with a group of friends, we discovered a pulchritudinous lake. Oh lord, that vision is something that I'm never gonna forget! Water moving so silently and graciously, a distant waterfall on the other side of the lake, huge round rocks, lots of different little bushes, each wearing a uniquely different shade of green... it was only us and no one else around... I never wanted to get out of that lake, that place... so picturesque, so perfect! Sadly, we were running out of time so we couldn't be there for long...  :(
I've not traveled a lot but what I experienced there, I hadn't experienced anywhere else!

Isn't God the best architect ever! I love Him sooooo much for creating something so alluring, marvelous, spectacular, phenomenal... ohhh I can go on and on about it until I fall short of all the adjectives known to me! It was truly a treat to the eyes... and the way it made me feel is inexplicable and unbeatable!
Thank you so much Mr God for that magnificent and bewitching view... just please don't let it elude by mind ever!
None of us had a camera or a cell phone in hand to click a picture that time.
You know, I could've enjoyed the view better if we had more time because I was inside the water all the time so my eyes did not get enough time to eat up all that they could see... but nonetheless the experience was simply divine!
Now I know where can I find it the next time I go.... and I'm certain to pay a visit again!! :)

For the first time, I knew what perfect meant, the real definition, something that can make me feel what I felt like when I was there!
I wish I was there right now...

One of my friend was shocked, how and why was I ENJOYING RAINS suddenly?! Well, that trip was meant to be for that, right, so... Moreover, I was already drenched in water due the waterfall so how would rains annoy me when I'm already soaked?? Duhh!
Actually,
it was not the rain that I loved but the cold and frigidness embedded in those icy raindrops hitting my skin... I wanted to hear my teeth clatter, see my body getting cold-creeps, feel the extreme frigidness the weather that time could offer and so I was standing out in the rain when most of them were sitting in a shanty, sipping hot tea and eating maggi...

And so I've been on bed since the time I've reached home with a red running nose, sore throat, no voice and fever! Gosh, I just can't stop sneezing, I would've had like a 100 aachhooss while typing this post!
BUT I still love cold! :D

PEOPLE.

Mood swings are just so absurd! Ugh! I just feel so.... man it's just inexplicable! :S


When you suddenly realize, you are lucky that something you desperately wanted to happen with you, did not happen to you... it is like a little epiphany. 
Gosh, I was crazy to even be whining about something so unwanted and unnecessary. 
Thanks Mr God, I love you! You Rock! Absolutely.




And, I'm watching 'Father of the bride II' for the 3rd time in past 5days.
Life without movies loses its meaning. ;)

Mathew Perry is cute, I've always liked him.


Why does it get so difficult to handle people and their emotions?! I sometimes feel it's better to avoid them but then if I do so, I end up being a bitch which feels awful enough. 
I always have been a people pleaser, someone who's always in the loop but since quite a long time I've kinda stopped caring about others. You may think I've turned selfish but not caring about others doesn't mean I care more about myself because a few of these 'others' are some of the very important people of my life and me being reckless and not being able to maintain things with them has put them away from me which is not any sort of gain for me but strangely I've been so lost that I don't miss them and this has stopped affecting me, it's bad but that's how it is now. 
No, I am not depressed or in the blues. I am doing good. It's just how I've become.   


There's a friend of mine who also has been going through something similar or it is at least how I think. His other friends don't get him, they fail to understand why suddenly he's turned reclusive but the truth is he's not closed up or reticent; this is just how he has become over the time. You can blame the circumstances or situations if want to but he's not culpable. People change with time, you know, if not all at least some of them do and it's not bad or sad, not even a bit.  


I hate hate hate and simple hate extremely judgmental and critical people! Ugh... Good God, why do I even talk to them?! Why do I even know them?! If the world is not running according to them, it's wrong and they mock it off! Damn are they annoying or not! Screw you suckers!! *gasp*


And,
Mumbai rains are truly pleasant in the nights (of course, when I'm indoors). :) 
It's my life- Bon Jovi
Miss you- Enrique

Moving along with the scars...

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now"


*sigh*


Whatever... it was a bad phase and I can already feel that it's fading away... it may leave behind its remnants but at least a major chunk will be let gone... which is good, isn't it?!


I discerned, I cannot brood for more than 3 days, that's the limit for me! Even when Badimummy passed away, I cried like crazy for 2 days, then on the 3rd day all tears had dried up and I went blank and after the 3rd day I started accepting things the way they were... and the similar thing happened now... 


Black pages are present in every person's life; you weep, yell, brood and finally you move on but moving on doesn't mean you forget about it completely. Just the way every page is a part of a book, every event that happened, be it good or bad, is a part of you, your life. It shapes your personality. Of course, what has happened in these past few days has impacted me badly but I cannot stop there, I'll at least start trudging ahead; the agony will still be there but then that's how it is...


When they say, no one can even imagine what you really are from within and what you have been through, they are right...
People see what you want them to see about you, well 97% of the times...
And, I'm not just talking about me but everyone... I have a few friends who've been through hell in real terms but when you see them, you may never be able to tell...
Such people are real life heroes to me! Kudos to each of them! 


One such source of inspiration to me is one of my best friend's little sister. How to live life and value it, should be learned from her! She may not know but she has indirectly been a great teacher to me, I do not pity her, not a bit... BUT I respect her with all my heart. Thank you, thank you so much darling!

In the light of positivism...

It's so easy to be negative. Being negative about those important ones in your life, about those important events in your life, about those moments that haven't yet transpired but they just might and... about your ownself! 


What is arduous and tough... is being positive! Being positive about those important ones in your life, about those important events in your life, about those moments that haven't yet transpired but they just might and... about your ownself! 


As they say, it's the tougher and onerous road that leads you to the right thing! Positivism can never mislead you!


I don't know how many have actually discerned that thinking negatively is actually a cinch! I myself took a very long time to learn this (circa 21 yrs)... But then as I always say, better late than never! And since that day, when I veritably had this epiphany, being positive has not been all that difficult and it gives me strength, to deal with issues and most importantly, to deal with myself!


Then there are those silly negativity pangs that come to you, after all you are a human! And it's all up to you, how you deal with it... do you let that poisonous and baleful moment take over your mind and make you do wrong things and wrong talks OR you somehow with a little calmness and patience manage to combat it so that no one gets hurt!


"Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you. Unfold your own myth."- Jalalludin Rumi


Just always be grateful to God for what you have rather than blaming Him for what He hasn't provided you with! Before holding Him culpable, look at yourself and contemplate for a moment, 'Do I really deserve what I am demanding from Him?'
It will do a world of good to you! 

More of me...

Well,
In my previous blog-post someone commented that I didn't accept something about myself so I'd been thinking about it and I concluded on: I do accept everything about it, it's just that at the moment, these are my thoughts about the subject but it's not like I'm reluctant to change. Maybe my views would be completely differing in the future but right now... this is me.
(Err, sorry for this elongated elucidation... that's one of my problems, I always like to explain and clarify tiniest of things!)


So, exam-results... is there anyone who is not apprehensive about them?! 


I am watching Disnep's 'Hercules'...It was one of my favorites during school times... 
There's something about certain cartoons, you know? No matter how old you get, you will always enjoy watching them! Especially me, me and cartoons had a longer relationship than other kids... Even when all my peers stopped watching cartoons, I went on for a few more years... that time TV was all about toons for me... Rugrats, Catdog, Aladdin, Hercules, Looney toons, Flintstones, Jetsons, Scooby doo, Jungle book, Captain planet, Timon and Pumba, Powerpuff girls, As told by Ginger, Courage the cowardly dog, Dexter's Lab, Superman, Little Mermaid, and many many more... It's an endless list!! And, that's how I ended up with my glasses!    
Ahh... those 'toony' days....were the best of all... these toons were my imaginary friends too. I didn't have many friends those days so I used to look for warmth in them and you know what? They did a pretty good job! They'll always hold a special place in my heart! :) :)
I loved the purple and violet colored sky in Aladdin, Hercules and some animated Disnep movies. That sky looked alluring, charming and fascinating. I wish it was real, I could gaze at it for hours!


Oftentimes, when things are perfectly alright and serene around you, you find a way to mess it up! 
So, what is it? Do I don't like being in a calm and peaceful atmosphere? Am I habitual to have stupid and prodigal issues and drama around me? Maybe yes...


Some two days back, I had a heated argument with a friend... and I cried... I hadn't cried after an argument with anyone, since long... this time, these tears were something else... they were the tears of an awakening... I really have changed a lot (as that friend emphatically said)... and most of this "change" is negatively colored. No, I don't regret this "change" but I am sure, with time, this "change" will also change! (fingers-crossed)


This winter has been blissful and now the fall, is even more pleasant and pulchritudinous... Thank you God for this wondrous wintertide... I've absolutely enjoyed every moment of it! God has His own magical way to keep you smiling. And, since these last 2 months, He has made the winds make me smile, all the time! Mr God, you really rock!! I love you!

An enlightening day...

I have to re-type this post because I tabbed the back key of this stupid phone! Now, who can say I have an eminently important exam that is held at an all India level, in about 18days!! I can be so so so absurd at times!!

Anyway, I had yet another revelation about me (the inner me) today. Although I won't exactly put it here as it's a bit too personal.
But yaa, it's good to know you are wrong, at times, by yourself. It's better than living life in an utterly erroneous manner and presuming it to be the correct way! Well, how far will I be benefited by this epiphany is a different issue, though it depends on me...

Music- life (though not invariably!)
'When I dream at night' by Marc Anthony mesmerizes me. Yes, I should be engrossed in studies at the moment, instead of Marc Anthony BUT what the heck! Have I ever done the right thing at the right moment? HELL NO!!

You know I am so amazed with people, who work according to their plan, stick to a program and accomplish targets. Be it studies, be it work, be it career etc.
ME- I don't beat my targets but my targets do surely beat me HARD!! But someday even I will start winning from my targets ;)

'Perfect' by Pink makes me feel really good. I loved it's video as well, I could relate so much with it, I had this 'deja vu' moment while watching it... Moreover, she sings 'you are perfect' which no one has ever said to me...except for Pink ;p

In a day or two, my internet plan will get over and I don't plan to restart it until exams are through with so I won't get to blog after that :(

Anyway, Mr God do something, don't sit idle like that, c'mon help me concentrate!!