Viscous Virtual Circle

There is too much of everything. 

Too many movies and shows on Netflix.
Too many DIY tips & quotes on Pinterest.
Too many simple hacks on Facebook.
Too many food & dance videos on YouTube.
Too much art on Instagram.
Too many opinions on Twitter.
Too many diet plans on Fitness Pal
Too many answers on Google. 
Too many part-time businesses on Etsy.
Too much 'news' on Whatsapp.

I am not sure if I need so much. So many ideas, so many solutions, so quickly. Whatever happened to searching for answers and the joy of finding them?   

The world has become a weird place. 

Nothing I do is special anymore. Nothing I create is original, and if it is, it won't remain original 5 seconds after I 'share' it with the 'world'. 

I used to do it excitedly until a couple of years ago, not because I wanted to flaunt my skills but to reach out to the right audience and the right opportunities. Sometimes it has worked. And most other times, I just felt happy looking at some positive comments / likes. 

I don't feel like doing it anymore. I don't feel like being a part of this circus anymore! 
I still do post. Sometimes with the fear of losing what little I have managed to build after years of struggle with my writing & art (which still continues). And hardly ever out of a need to express.

What is it with people? Is your life empty? Why do you want to share all your feelings and experiences with others? Why do you want to express your opinions all the time? Is it because no one is actually looking, it's virtual and you can't see faces so it is easier to boast or to say your piece or to share your sadness or express joy? 

How many times when you meet people in a group do you actually try to let them know how you feel? Wait... may be this is what it is? You want to let someone know how you truly feel, you want someone to get it. 

But isn't it better to cultivate actual, real relationships in your life where a handful of real people will actually understand you, your thoughts, your intentions?
I mean I understand it takes more effort than just typing a post and hitting share. But the pay-off is wonderful. 

This virtual audience, I believe, doesn't give a fuck. A few comments, a few likes, a few follows, a few views, they won't fill up the vacuum.

Sigh... The world has become a weird place. There is too much of everything. 

Workplace Stress is Real

Lately I have been reading about depression due to work-stress and I am over-whelmed to see the volume of people on various forums and platforms expressing their suffering.

Sigh...

My personal life is great, I am happy and content with it but it's this other life that occupies most part of my active daily hours that is... causing damage.

I realise, for most us, it is not the work or the nature of it. It is the people we are working for and with. The bosses and colleagues who lack empathy and compassion. I wonder if they realise how they affect a person's life, how they turn an otherwise happy person into a miserable and hopeless being. Will they ever, for a moment, realise this? I don't think so...
And even if they do think someday, ohh... I shouldn't have said that or done that... it will be too late.

Late realisations rarely make a difference. 'Better late than never' is not always a good excuse to pardon yourself from your mistakes.

How to get out of this trap?
I need money to survive. I need a roof to live. I need food to eat. So, I need a job to pay me.
Even if I need less, I still need a little for every day. I cannot escape. I need to put up with the insensitivity of people. I need to toughen up. I need to go to work and do whatever it takes.

Sigh...

Things that help on certain lucky days:
- Being unproductive at work for 5-20 mins in a day in office. Because your productivity is never rewarded, just give your tired mind a break. For a little bit don't care for real.
- Call a friend after work and rant about your woes and the unfair things you put up with daily.
- Have a good dinner.
- Listen to music that elevates your spirits.
- Lose yourself in the warm arms of your beloved and just be there in that moment feeling fortunate to have true love in your life.
- Spend some time pursuing your hobby, even if for 15 mins... draw, paint, play music, go for a run, anything.

Well.. there still will be days when none of this would make you feel good, on such days, just breathe and let the time go by.

Sigh...

Moral of the story: Yes, money is evil. But people are the bigger evil. Compassion can really make a huge difference in the world. So be kind. And sometimes be blind... to those who aren't. 

Foolish

Around 8 years ago, I found out that it’s okay to be selfish. To live for yourself. I discovered that it is okay to choose your own dream instead of someone else’s and work towards fulfilling it. It is okay to care a little less about fitting in.
And so... I began following my heart. My foolish heart that believed I could be special... different... extraordinary!
Only to grow up and realise 8 years later that in a world of roughly 7.5 billion people, there cannot be a “different” or “special” you. I mean think about it... there are so many extraordinaries that this word is technically obsolete. Extraordinary is now an ordinary phenomenon.
Okay so I rose up and became a rebel. I revolted to do things my own way. I fought... to choose my own race. But here it is... a race after all!

Can I please stop running?

If not... then can someone please return me the foolishness of my heart... that believed I could be special. Not to the world but in my own eyes...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Music playing (in my head)... Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

The Day.

My colleague tells me I haven't been myself since past few days. She thinks I am un-physically absent.

I think, she is right.

They say, universe works in mysterious ways to help you get all that you deserve. And, all that happens is for the good. You only realise it eventually. Now good is not synonymous to happiness here. It is just good. Perhaps for this present life on earth. It is good because it teaches you somethings that you have taken birth to learn.

I am in a trance. It's a phase that reoccurs each time you become a spectator of your own life. And sometimes you simply can't help being so.
Feelings of helplessness and cluelessness grope you. At first, you try to rebel. Why should you accept it anyway? No logical reasoning seems to explain it. And, a tiresome battle begins. Between you and destiny.
But you were destined to lose. So you do.
And the thing about failures is, you have to accept them even if it kills you.

Today, I am undergoing a new batch of emotions that I never knew existed. It feels as though a funeral is being conducted inside me. Every cell is grieving over the demise of something.
While I wonder what that thing is, it's a happy day, a new beginning.



   

On going-long-distance.

Why are we so afraid of distance?

When someone goes, they leave you to yourself. So is it that we are really afraid of ourselves rather than the distance? 

Perhaps yes. 

When two people are in love, they occupy most of each other's time and thoughts, they get lost in each other. Distance between them creates a vacuum. Now, this vacuum can either be seen as a boon or a bane. It is idiosyncratic. Life is subjective. You become what you want to. 

It's as easy to be happy as it is to be sad. 

It's perfectly okay to miss them but it's imperative not to trivialize or squelch your own presence amidst their absence.

You must have read it somewhere, you need to be a complete person in yourself to love another person completely. You might have been a complete person when you fell in love. But today, after years, has that beloved taken away some part of you or have they added to your being? Do you still complete yourself?
This distance will shower you with all the answers you have been seeking. Even with some of those that you haven't contemplated yet.

You vs You

When you become your own enemy. When your mind starts weaving terrible nightmares and plays nasty games with you. When you know what is and what is not. but you cannot stop thinking. When you know it all - the cause, reason, effect and ramifications - and you still fail to convince your mind to stop the incessant torture.

I suppose, sometimes there is no escape. And we have to face the demons residing within us. Fight them.
You loathe yourself for being so unfair... to the people around you and to yourself. It's ugly, this war, this unrest, this chaos.
It's ugly and unnerving and insane. But you have to do it... for yourself, for your people. Because at the end, you know, these demons are not real. They are mere figments of your oppressive imagination.

Sigh...

It's funny... the relationship you share with yourself. It's the most mysterious one, the most enlightening one. 

That copywriter chick - 8

So the not-so-new job of mine is taking a toll on my health.

The work is good. I am learning a lot a new things. It is satisfying. Well, at least to an extent.

The people are the problem. There are only negative vibes floating around. Talking ill about everyone you work with is a custom here. Belittling people is a tradition here. They all suffer with superiority complex. People use others for their professional benefit.

It is transforming me into someone I am not. I have lost my mental calm. The positivity and gusto with which I always begin my day have vanished. Smiling requires too many efforts.

If this was not enough, I learned that the experience I will be gaining from here holds very little value in the market.

There are too many things to pull me down. Going to work seems like a punishment.
This is not what I signed up for.
Sometimes I feel I should quit. Most of the times...

I have began to doubt my decision of taking up writing. Was it my passion or an escape?
Everything seems hazy.
I was so confident and happy about this job, my career growth, copywriting, advertising and everything. What happened then?
Suddenly I am not even sure if I want to pursue advertising anymore...

Insecurities. I don't like them. Therefore I turn my back as I see them racing towards me.
The only way one could get rid of them is by conceding them in front of the person concerned. Or maybe to a confidante.
If you don't blurt it out, it keeps swelling until it becomes a monstrous blob of negativity. 

Time will tell.

Decisions. I still don't like them. 

How do you decide that you will be doing something for the rest of your life? It feels like prison. Despite the fact that I have picked a prison of my own choice, it still is a prison. I don't want it. I don't want to be imprisoned. I am not meant for those shackles. Those chains, they don't belong to me. 

I feel suffocated. I want to fly away. To a place far far away. Just by myself.

As an afterthought, it occurred to me that maybe what I reckon to be a decision, is not a decision after all. Perhaps it is an occurrence that was destined to transpire. And maybe what I perceive to be as chains that will pull me back or limit me, are wings that will help me fly higher. 

Maybe...

I cannot know now...

Time will tell. 

I think I will choose to believe in the latter. There, I made yet another decision. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much! 

Wanderlust. Again.

It has began again.
That urge. That craving.
My mind is restless again.
It wants to go away again.
Far away. Alone.
My eyes yearn to see the unseen.
My soul desires to explore more.
I want to travel more.
I want to fly higher and farther.
I want to meet myself again.

Bothered.

Yesterday, I tore a page from my notepad and wrote some very personal things on it with the intention of taking it home and sticking it in my personal diary.
I made the silliest mistake of forgetting that piece of paper in my office and a colleague read it.
I feel naked.
These were the thoughts that I never wanted anyone to know and now a stranger is in knowledge of it. I feel awful. My innermost feelings are known to a person whose existence barely matters to me.
I should have been careful.
Sigh...
We are so scared of showing our true self, of having no secret thoughts, of everyone knowing what we are really feeling. Maybe it is the judgements that we are scared of. More than the opinions of others, we are unable to deal with the opinions we have for ourselves.
Can we ever be free from these opinions?

And...
Times when you feel you are losing connection with the ones who mean a lot to you. And when they don't really bother to make you feel wanted and loved. Because they are unaware of your foolish thoughts.
When you are so full of insecurities that it makes you feel abandoned. It is not true and you know it, but you still want them come shower you with love and show that you are important.
This never happens though. Eventually, you move on from this feeling. No one comes to your rescue.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

PS: If nothing, you always have music. :)

Peekaboo

After a lot of struggle we make peace with our past. It does not play with our head anymore. Yet, every once in a while it comes back to haunt us. Should we be surprised that it still bothers us? 

I don't think so. 

We cannot eliminate the bad experiences and the agony from our memory. It stays. We can only ignore it. 

And rightly so. If we forget the bad experiences, we will also forget what we learned from them. The whole point of us going through them and taking a lesson falls flat then. 

Nothing comes easy. Especially not the strength to overcome your demons. Everything is a gradual process.

I wish...

Why do we wish so much?

Don't answer!

How do you know you really feel what you think you feel?
How do you know if this is how you should be feeling?
How do you know you are not making a mistake?
What if you are making a mistake?
How fast is too fast?
Who tells you?
How do you know?
Is there a pattern in relationships? If yes, why? If no, why not?
Why do we want to know what the future holds?
Why can't we forget the past?
Why can't we trust?
Why do we need to make decisions?
Why is decision making an arduous task?
Why?
Why does right feel wrong?
Why does wrong seem right?
Why do we have to choose one?
Why can't we live without inhibitions?
Why do we overthink?
Why do we think at all?
Why do we care?
Why can't we live in the present only?
Why can't we be happy when we are meant to be happy?
Why are we afraid to lose that happiness?
Why the greed?
Why do we act immature?
Why the foolishness?
Why so many questions?

Aarrgghh!

That copywriter chick - 3

There are moments of fear and self-doubt.
There are moments of anxiety and procrastination.
There are moments of inspiration and hope.

And now all these moments have come together and turned into a big thumping ball inside my throat!

I am getting a panic attack. Well, almost.

Since morning I have done a couple of things that I maybe shouldn't have done. I am a little scared of goofing up this opportunity as well. I should simply stop over-thinking.

If things work out, nothing like it. If they don't, they will work out later.
As they say, sometimes you succeed and sometimes you learn.    

Think no more!

That moment when you finally decide to give up on your 'neurotic' act because it is literally driving you crazy.
And, finally after you come out of your delusional state, you see how badly your absence, ignorance rather, has affected the real people around you.
Good luck dealing with the awful feeling of not being there when they truly needed you!
 
"When words fail, music prevails."

Above & Beyond (Now I know why everyone was going crazy about them)

Katy Perry - Roar

Counting Stars - One Republic

Lana Del Rey (I love her almost as much as Adele)

Hardwell vs Goyte featuring Kimbra - Spaceman (The best mix ever)  

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga (Some songs can never go out of style)

O Womaniya 

I feel that I have newly started deciphering that yes we have all grown up. Now, when people around me are either getting married or are contemplating marriage. This new knowledge has brought along a lot of inhibitions and insecurities about the future.

Note to self:

• Take it easy sometimes, okay?
• Stop taking everything (including yourself) so seriously!
• There's never a need to thoroughly analyze the actions of other people or yourself. Well, not unless you actually join the CBI! 
• Come out of your sick and stupid dream-bubble. Now.    

Lastly,

I am glad that Winter is finally showing up! 

When the inconceivable happens...

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey is an incredible number
"Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere 
Nothing scares me anymore."

In her shoes - the movie. 

..........

They fell in love years back. They were not perfect, but they knew how to love each other perfectly. Years went by. The love remained the same, grew rather. Until 'change' came.
He met new people, he saw a new shade of life, he loved it, he changed. Because he wanted to.
She still stood there. Watching him become a stranger. Hoping it to be a plain phase. She waited long.
He was a different person now. It was the same old her.
She was helpless. They were supposed to be together 'forever' and he had simply vanished. There was this stranger disguised to be him, but it was not him.
He's not a bad person. He's not wrong or culpable.
She cried, yelped, prayed, feared... It's over.


How do you trust anyone after something like this happens? How do you trust anyone after knowing something like this can happen?

Being a mere spectator to this is so saddening and perturbing. I can't gauge the intensity of the pain and hurt she would be carrying in her heart right now. And, that he would, I believe, will go through at some given point of time in future.

Love is an illusion. Togetherness is a delusion. I was right in believing so.
.......

When no one succeeds in comforting you.
When no one manages to get even a faint smile on your face.
When no one cares enough for that little moment.
When no one makes you feel loved and wanted.
It's time you stop fretting about it and be there for yourself.
Only you can love you the way you've wanted to be loved.


Eagerly waiting for the exit of October heat and the mystical entry of the wonderous wintertide.


I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Clearing the clutter

When we do things that we shouldn't have despite of having knowledge of what the outcome of doing them would be.
When we say things that we shouldn't have because some secrets should be locked in that little box in your heart and never to be said out loud.
When you cannot forgive yourself for doing it all, saying it all.
When you cannot stop admonishing yourself for being the fool.
Take a moment, reminisce it all again and then say to yourself, 'Yes I made more mistakes, yes I know it was a big deal and I've been extremely faulty but now instead of thinking about it as a chapter of shame and regret, I shall think of it as a lesson well learnt!'

Sigh...

Rather than trying so hard to be a part of a group, you should try to be yourself because only that makes sense.
Then again 'Be yourself' gives rise to 'Who am I' and 'How do I be myself'...
To know this, we are breathing. I hope, I will be enlightened of it someday.

one by two

Office.
Sometimes its just us, we over-think. The other person is not always the bad guy.

People are not that difficult to deal with, we make ourselves believe that they are. I know, I too have umpteen times said that its not a cinch being around people rather being happy around them but eventually I always realize it never was a big deal.

Another thing that got me thinking was, whether to say it out or not?
For say, when having a conversation with a bunch of people, you have so many things in head that you can say but you choose to stay mum. How does it matter if you speak your heart?
Now, there are countless reasons why you don't say it but for how long will this continue?
There will be a time when you'll stop not talking, when you'll start being yourself. So why not do it right away!

I think I shouldn't have done it, that thing. But now, it's all said and done so rather than fretting about it, I should do something constructive.

Home.
Feel, speak, enjoy, love, live, cry, suffer, make mistakes, be outrageous, apologize, learn, discover yourself!
Now is what we have. Who knows world might really end on 21/12/12!!
Haha...
What if it actually does?

When you wonder about death, you realize who are the ones that truly matter to you and you would wish to spend more time with them before everything is over.
If believing in 21/12/12 helps you express your love to your loved ones, then you are not as stupid as people would think!

I love Mumbai. People here can be as sweet as bitter they are! Confusing naa?? That's how we are.

Adele-Skyfall. Love it like crazy!

P.S.: I wrote half the post at work but then I got busy so I saved it as a draft and now added more and posted, hence the title!

'The missing piece' or rather 'The missing peace'

Hair-cut and shopping - Life's good!
I feel beautiful today! :D

With so many positive things happening around, I should be feeling ecstatic but why do I feel like something is missing... What is it that is wrong?
Perhaps I'm so used to having something going amiss with me that when everything's perfect, I'm not able to gulp it in.
Or
There really is something missing...
I know, not going to Goa sucks but I've overcome that  now so that's not the subject of my anxiety.

Sigh...

I'm stupid!

Locked out of heaven - Bruno Mars
Jiya re - Neeti Mohan (JTHJ)

I reminisce, a few weeks back I was thinking, the ones who stand by your side, even during the moments when you hate them, are the ones who really and truly love you. But then, I discerned that these people still love you because you never showcased your hatred expressly, you either abhorred them inwardly or behaved a little cranky with them at times.
The truth is, No one can stand you, when you start behaving the way you feel, no matter how special or important you are to them!

I'm feeling restless since the moment I woke up. What is it, I don't get it?

Well, it should be the exams (as only 45days remain) but it ain't that!

I guess, I know who has caused this anxiety pang, if only I could tell that person everything that's in my head...
I don't feel like talking about this to any other person...

Sometimes you just can't say it... perhaps because you shouldn't. Why to mess things up by speaking your mind and end up hurting someone. See, that's why... I can never be "candid".