Turning 31

Early this week I was in the mood to watch a chick-flick and I chose ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’. The movie opens with Bridget stating she is 32 years old and the rest follows. Have you noticed, in most western ‘coming-of-age’, romcom, etc. movies, the female protagonists are in their 30s? Okay remember, what is Carrie Bradshaw’s age in Sex and the City’s first episode? Another point to be noted in such shows and movies, is people in 20s are shown as too young and immature.

On the contrary, in Indian cinema, in 1990s and before, the female lead would be in her teens! And nowadays, they have graduated to be in their early 20s. 

Now, I am not trying to belittle any culture here as I understand every society has had a history and is the way it is for a reason, which is a very different and wide topic and can be discussed at another time. 

What I am trying to say is, we are a society that endorses (and ensures) childhood meets a premature death and old age blooms early. And, as feminist as it sounds, it is true that this is more so for the girls!

• Get married in early 20’s
• Have babies by mid-20s
• Make your life all about your family in your 30s
• Become a purpose-less, hopeless old hag in your 40s
• Make religion/God your priority in your 50s
• Wait for your death in and after 60s

Now, I am not saying that women are asked to follow the above timeline. I mean we are raised in a way that this seeps into our subconscious so discreetly, we don’t realize it until we are in the later phase of this pre-designed life. Perhaps this is changing for some and may be not for some.

Last year after I turned 30, I went through this gloomy phase for a few weeks. I have always followed my heart and rebelled my way through life so far and I was feeling like the best part of my life has just ended and that it will only go downhill further on! All this until I had the revelation (as above) about why do I really feel the way I do.

Scientifically, yes, the body gets older and gradually weaker as we grow. But how we feel or should feel does not depend on it, at least, not entirely. Moreover, ‘the best part of life’ is something we usually don't realise when living it. We will only see it that way, once it has passed or when it is about to come. 

Yesterday, I turned 31. There are many changes in the way I see and perceive things now. May be I don’t get enthusiastic too often as I have met many a new experience already. May be I am not as interested in everything that comes along my way. May be I am not always open to new friendships. May be it all sounds a little less adventurous. May be this what 'older and wiser' looks like. But, the inner curious child in me is still very much alive. And, I believe life has only just begun and that the quest to ‘I don’t know what’ continues in all its glory. 

PS: These are strictly my observations and not a judgement on any particular persons. If they seem condescending, perhaps you should question yourself.  

Song paying in my head - Dance Monkey by Tones and I

Foolish

Around 8 years ago, I found out that it’s okay to be selfish. To live for yourself. I discovered that it is okay to choose your own dream instead of someone else’s and work towards fulfilling it. It is okay to care a little less about fitting in.
And so... I began following my heart. My foolish heart that believed I could be special... different... extraordinary!
Only to grow up and realise 8 years later that in a world of roughly 7.5 billion people, there cannot be a “different” or “special” you. I mean think about it... there are so many extraordinaries that this word is technically obsolete. Extraordinary is now an ordinary phenomenon.
Okay so I rose up and became a rebel. I revolted to do things my own way. I fought... to choose my own race. But here it is... a race after all!

Can I please stop running?

If not... then can someone please return me the foolishness of my heart... that believed I could be special. Not to the world but in my own eyes...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Music playing (in my head)... Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

Celebrating Sadness

"Cling to happy thoughts. Think practical. How does being sad help? What good does it do to anyone around you and more importantly, to yourself?"
Makes sense, right?
Not always.

Why do people believe in nipping sadness in the bud?
Why is it a negative emotion all the time?

I understand prolonged sadness can cause serious problems but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to feel it at all.

If small things can make you happy, why can't small things make you sad?
As long as you won't spend an unusually long time wailing about it.
The sadness will fizz out eventually.

Set your melancholy free. Feel upset. Even if it is something petty. Because in that moment it is the most painful thing happening to you. It's okay. You will be fine soon. Just be there to make yourself fine once you have celebrated the sadness enough.

Give yourself a hug and let yourself know that you may be alone, you are not lonely. Because even if no one else understands, you are there for you. Always. :)

Now, I am reminded of the animated movie 'Inside Out'. If you haven't watched it, please do.

Listening to Bob Dylan...
"From East to West
Ever since the world began
I only mean it for the best
I want to be with you any way I can"

Such an admirable writer!

A little lost.

For a rebel, nothing is worse than not following their heart and becoming a slave to their mind.

............

When you love doing many things, focus becomes a matter of concern. You tend to be partially absent everywhere you are. And that's the test, how well do you manage to strike a balance.

............

Music: Coldplay
Can't get enough!

............

Why is there a need to fit in?
Why do we inadvertently squeeze ourselves in the crowd only to be amongst them?
It might be hard to accept the difference and respect our own eccentricities, but it brings peace.
Acceptance always does.

Having said that, in a world hugely overpopulated with social animals, it's almost impossible to be exclusive. Existence of someone like yourself is certain. However, meeting them is a matter of chance.

............

Humans are so greedy. On accomplishment of a dream, they conceive another one immediately.
Is it really greed? Or just a hope to live further?
For what is life without the hope of... having something or being something or having someone or being somewhere?

.............

I wish...
Why do we wish so much!

Perplexities

What if I close my eyes for a few flying seconds just to open them and find out that it's all an illusion. There are no local trains. There is no home, no work, no CST. The history of India, the world, the history of mankind was fabricated by my imaginative mind. What if the music that I listen to, that the world listens to is a figment too? Pen and paper never existed, and neither did the people I love and those I don't. What am I? Who am I? Will I ever know? Do I really wish to know or am I complacent with this illusion?

What is freedom?
I don't know.
Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes a place, a situation or a person invokes a strange kind of happiness within me, and I relate it to freedom. I say to myself that I feel liberated. But is it so really?

What is what? What is existence?
I don't know. Do I wish to know? May be...
Can I handle the truth? May be...

Today's playlist:
Invisible - U2
Ordinary love - U2
My way - Frank Sinatra
Every breath you take - The Police
Fly me to the moon - Frank Sinatra 

Inspiration can be a tricky thing sometimes. When you say somebody inspires you to be better, in a small corner of your head you place that person above yourself. You belittle your being. And sometimes that can have a negative impact on your mind.
Also, when you are inspired by somebody, you want to embrace some of their virtues. How does it differentiate you from them eventually? How do you differentiate yourself from all those who have left something on you and moulded you in some way or the other? Are we any different at all?

Hmm... I should just work. Too much to do...

When words don't help, turn to Mozart. :)

I am yet to learn if having too many dreams and ambitions is a curse or a boon. 

Time will tell.

Listening to Amit Trivedi - M TV Unplugged (Season 4)
What an artist! What an artist!
I am in love with his music. Very passionately!

The voice?

The voice that comes from within. The one that has a faint texture. And speaks your instinct and intuition. The voice that is you, your soul. 

How do you know if it is that voice helping you to make a decision or it is the opinions of others or the demand of the situation? Or is it just the random flow of occurrences that has forced you to take a step without calculating anything?

How do you know?

Maybe you never know...

It will be whatever you choose to believe. 

This year has been a joyful and exhilarating ride so far. A season of newness. A chapter with too many twists and turns. 

Today's Playlist:

Phir Le Aya - Arijit Singh

Phir Se Ud Chala - Mohit Chauhan

Peekaboo - Coke Studio

Pataka Guddi - Jyoti and Sultana Nooran

Pardesi - Amit Trivedi

When the newness of something starts wearing off, you become more comfortable with it. Not that the comfort wasn't existing earlier, but it increases as you get more familiar. 

Today's favorites:

Khuda Hafiz - Yuva

Jiya Lage Na - Coke Studio

Just give me a reason - Pink

Mast Magan - 2 states

Hey, Soul Sister - Train

Drive by - Train

Too much procrastination can destroy your career. So work! Now! 

Time. Where does it go? And how? 

Bothered.

Yesterday, I tore a page from my notepad and wrote some very personal things on it with the intention of taking it home and sticking it in my personal diary.
I made the silliest mistake of forgetting that piece of paper in my office and a colleague read it.
I feel naked.
These were the thoughts that I never wanted anyone to know and now a stranger is in knowledge of it. I feel awful. My innermost feelings are known to a person whose existence barely matters to me.
I should have been careful.
Sigh...
We are so scared of showing our true self, of having no secret thoughts, of everyone knowing what we are really feeling. Maybe it is the judgements that we are scared of. More than the opinions of others, we are unable to deal with the opinions we have for ourselves.
Can we ever be free from these opinions?

And...
Times when you feel you are losing connection with the ones who mean a lot to you. And when they don't really bother to make you feel wanted and loved. Because they are unaware of your foolish thoughts.
When you are so full of insecurities that it makes you feel abandoned. It is not true and you know it, but you still want them come shower you with love and show that you are important.
This never happens though. Eventually, you move on from this feeling. No one comes to your rescue.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

PS: If nothing, you always have music. :)

Dear Music,

My love for you precedes everything else in the world. 

Love,

Resh. :* 

PS: This is the most truthful e-letter of my life. Hope you read it. 

The Big Bang

Yesterday when I was writing my journal. I realized a few of my Himalayan memories have faded away already. I don't remember every moment. I have forgotten the chronological order of the events that took place there.

I wish I could lock all those memories in a box, even the tiniest one, and reopen the box whenever I feel like going back. I wish all my memories could remain as fresh as a daisy, all my life. 

All memories? Would I really want that? 

Because there are painful memories as well and I don't think I would like to remember them. 

Good. Bad.

Happy. Sad.

Pros. Cons.

Black. White.

Odd. Even.

All things come in a pair. They are opposite but inseparable. Without one the other would lose its meaning. One is the reason for the other's existence. The universe seems clearly fathomable at one moment and utterly incomprehensible in the next moment.

Today's Favorite:

Bang Bang my baby shot me down - Nancy Sinatra

Listening to Nirmohiya by Amit Trivedi (Coke Studio).

Music completes every of my emotion. It adds more depth to the emotion. If I am sad, I have to listen to some sad songs. If I am in rage, I need some metal. Happy numbers in my happy moments and EDM otherwise. There's a playlist for my rejuvenation needs as well. And when I am bored, I explore new genres. Call me incompetent for being dependant on music to feel the intensity of an emotion, I wouldn't mind. 

Noon full of randomness

Today there's barely any work in office, which means I have enough time to do a proactive ad campaign and also work on a travel article. But I don't feel like working. It could be my laziness or the unrest that yesterday's office fiasco has created in my mind or both.

I just feel like lying on my bed and listening to music. Yes, that's all I want to do.

My today's playlist is full of soft, romantic music. Initially I was enjoying the feeling but now these songs are putting me to sleep. I should listen to some EDM.

Yesterday I made a big doodle after almost 25 days. It felt good.

Anyway, I had too much time to while away so I went on a survey in my studio. I asked my colleagues would they prefer to be with someone who is like them or someone who is the opposite.

Three out of five said they would be with someone who is not like them. They believe it's the spice of being so different that makes a relationship exciting. If two people are very similar, their relationship gets boring because there is nothing new to know. Whatever you like, your partner will also like. Whatever you dislike, they, too, will dislike. No fun.
One female said it is about being comfortable with the person. Opposite or not doesn't really matter.
And the last one says, "The person should like me, I don't care about anything else."

What I could gauge from this little research is that no one strongly propagated being with someone who has similar interests and perspective. Some were neutral and the rest voted for 'opposites-attract'.

Perhaps it's the fear of monotony and the death of differentness. People are scared of boredom. And it's justified. Boredom is a negative emotion, I had read somewhere. I also believe, it is a doorway to numerous other negative emotions.

This doesn't mean I agree with the majority. Because sometimes it is the differences that kill a relationship.

Opposite or not, years down the line, you eventually know the person enough to not have any newness left to them. Excitement in a relationship is not restricted to contrasting choices and opinions. It is all in the head. You have to keep discovering new things all along the way. People keep changing so there always will be something new to know. Embrace those changes as newness.

It will benefit you in two ways:

1. You will not complain about the changes your partner undergoes 
2. You will have an opportunity to rediscover them and your relationship

That's all for now.
I should work.

Best things happen to you when you least expect them while secretly wanting them to happen in a corner of your heart. :)

I am still an overthinker and will always be one. 

The future worries me. The circumstances in the future concern me.

I am not sure if I am ready to face them yet. 

Someone told me I should live only in the present. That's not me. No matter how much I try, I cannot just live in the present. A small part of me still dwells in my past and another small one constantly tries to peep into the future while the rest of me blissfully enjoys the present. 

Anyway,

I would like to believe, epic beginnings never have an ending.  

Current Playlist:

Magic - Colplay

When you say nothing at all - Notting Hill

Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

Alchemy - A&B

Jiya Lage na - Coke Studio (Shankar Mahadevan)

Locha-E-Ulfat - 2 States

Gustakh Dil - English Vinglish

I am in the fairytale phase of life! 

I have a feeling, I might like the rains this year. ;) 

That copywriter chick - 5

It has been a month since I did any advertising writing.
I have been going to office and doing what is needed there, but the work is barely challenging and scarcely creative.
Also, travel writing has been eating up all my time but I'm happily doing it.

I feel I am being unjust towards the copywriter within me, she is being deprived of doing what she loves to do.

I need to strike a balance between travel writing and copywriting as only by pursuing both can I be happy and satisfied. I know myself, I will get bored by doing just one thing for a living. Variety is something that a person like me cannot survive without. And perhaps that's why I chose to be a writer. It gives me the liberty to do different things, to learn different things,  to create different things, to be a different person each time.

I fear completely losing the balance sometimes.
I also doubt if I really want this - copywriting - sometimes.
The doubt scares me. I wonder if it stems out of the frustration and fear of failing or is it my subconscious mind giving me a message.
I like to believe the former. I love copywriting. I really do and I want to learn it well. I don't like me being uncertain about it, not even sometimes.

Anyway,
The AC at my workplace broke. Due to excessive heat, thin hair on our skin had burnt and the skin was about to melt, just then an office boy got a pedestal fan and placed at the centre of our crammed studio. The fairly cool air that it heaved felt like such a luxury.
Oftentimes, we forget to appreciate the luxuries that we relish on a daily basis, such breakdowns are small reminders of their undervalued existence.

Today's playlist:
Shedding skin - Karsh Kale
Khwabon ke parindey - ZNMD
Young and beautiful - Lana Del Rey
Born to die - Lana Del Rey
Kinare - Mohan Kanan
I can't make you love me - Ester Dean

I will...
Because I dream so much.

Going Away.

I can’t wait to cease to exist. I can’t wait to go missing. I can’t wait to lose all connections. I can’t wait to go away.

It’s an exaggeration, of course. I am going on a 15-day adventure trip. There is no cell phone network in that area. So I cannot be contacted neither can I get in touch with people.

Every now and then we all need such breaks. They suck all the negative energies that we keep accumulating incessantly.

‘Kal ke andheron se nikal ke, dekha hai aankhein malte malte…

Ful hi ful zindagi kahan hai. Tey kar liyaaa,
Aaj fir jeene ki tamana hai, aaj fir marne ka irada hai.’

How many times have you wished you were dead?

No, not because life is being too harsh on you, but just for fun or for no reason or perhaps out of anger on a loved one.

My train of thought on ‘going away’ got me thinking on this topic.

I have had a few friends who had at some point mentioned that they wonder what it would be like when they are dead. They were keen to know how their family and friends will cope with it. I deciphered that there was a sense of sadism attached to this thought of theirs. It pleased them to imagine their loved ones craving for them. To be honest, I, too, have thought about it, and yes, I did gain some delight out of it.

It's okay, everyone likes to think in this manner, at least once or twice, because we are a self-centered species. We love it when people love us and want us. We simply love the attention, doesn’t matter if we are dead or alive.

In contrast to the above, can I say that it is our fear of losing that love, respect and want, or the feeling that we are not getting enough? It is not pleasure, but remedy for the pain that stems of out of our anxiety and insecurities.
Think about it.
  

Somewhere in the clear skies

You must have heard people saying that sometimes one has to go farther to get closer to them self. They mean, when we go away from our regular course of life, from our chaotic routine and this pandemonium that we call home, we are able to reconnect with ourselves. We get an opportunity to listen to our heart beating and feel the air going in and out.

I remember getting off the car in the middle of an unknown road that ended at Sandhan Valley eventually. It was 4am in the morning, and it was just us on the road. God, it was so cold! My teeth were clattering. The sky wore a dark shade of blue with a million stars embedded on it. That was the first time in my life when I could see the stars with such flawless clarity. It felt… divine. Truly!

There are many such beautiful and unforgettable moments that place has gifted me. That trip will always be a special one because it marked the start of my journey as a traveler.

No, I may not travel all the time. And no, I’m certainly not trying to emulate some fictitious movie character. I am a real person, with real ambitions, financial uncertainty and big dreams to be an inspiring writer. I just know that I am going to explore the world, little by little. And by doing so, explore myself, little by little.

Also, there is some magic in the murk as it is only during the night when I am able to connect with myself, even in this pandemonium that we call home.

‘...akelepan se chedhi jab guftagu, mere dil ne awaz di...’
Some songs have a soul of their own.

P.S.: I am eagerly waiting for my next trip in May. I’m eagerly waiting to be with myself, and only myself, again.

  

A relationship that hurts you the most and has no warmth left anymore, is it worth keeping?

If yes, then why? For the memories? What if I say that the misery of today is poisoning the memories of yesterday, is it still worth keeping?

If no, then how do you get rid of it? 

When a bond is irreparable and the desire to make things alright has died, almost... It's stuck like a tattoo on you, you can't do anything about it. It's a curse and you have to deal with it all your life.

Somethings may never change and so you have to change. This can't be easy. Try.

Nonetheless, there always will be a few others who will make life worth living with their unconditional love. :)
Thank you Mr. God, for them. 

....................................

To a special friend,

We will make it till the end. :*

...................................

And above all, you will always have music.
A thousand years - Christina Perri
Queen Soundtrack
Dark Horse - Katy Perry
Adore you - Miley Cyrus
Wrecking ball - Miley Cyrus
Demons - Imagine Dragons

That copywriter chick - 2

When the shitrail thing happened with me, I was so agitated, I wanted to tell everyone that a thing as gross as this really happens in Mumbai. I wrote a blog and published it on social media as well, and as a co-incidence a small weekly that is run by a bunch of journalism students in Delhi, contacted me for similar kind of articles. I gave them the link to my blogpost, they liked it enough to publish it in their newspaper on the next day. I shared that as well on FB and twitter, and got a good deal of appreciation for it.

People from the same field won't consider it to be an accomplishment while those not from this industry regard this as a great achievement. As for me, this is just another step towards becoming all those things that I had dreamed to be as a child and that I wish to be now.

Current Playlist:
Jolene - Miley Cyrus
Pimpin smokin dro (Hardwell mix)
If I lose myself - Alesso vs. One Republic
Thousand years - Christina Perry
Chaudhry - Amit Trivedi vs. Mame Khan
Kattey - Ram Sampat, Hard Kaur and Bhanvari Devi

Also, there was an ad contest I wanted to partake in, but I did not have a motivated team. I can write, but I can't design ads, so there went my opportunity to do some good work.
Nevertheless, I am hoping to do some good proactive work in the coming days, and I am hoping that my team actively supports me.
One other thing that I have learned now is that if you don't have an enthusiastic creative partner, you cannot think of participating in contests, let alone winning them!

I have also been doing some travel writing in the meanwhile. Waiting for it to get published now.
I have realized and am slowly accepting the fact that I am more of a writer than a copywriter. This does not mean that I am not going to be a good copywriter, it just means that I will be writing a lot of other things along with ads and marketing collateral.