Feminine!

I can see a slight beam of light coming out of the shut window so there's still a thin ray of hope left... So Mr stupid little brain, are you there?! Hellloooo?! Kindly start working!!!

Why are the heart and head always battling? Can't they for once settle on a single mutual thing?!

I've been listening too much to "Oh Johnny..." since last 2 days. It's a song by 'Andrew sisters'. It was a US chart-buster during the world-war!! I know... it's a very old song but it's very gleeful! 

Also, the soundtrack from the Bolly movie 'Life in a metro' is really good. Too romantic songs, not really my thing but sometimes they work well because the music is amazing (especially the guitar sounds)... When the movie was out years back, everyone was crazy about its songs but I never paid attention and now when people are bored of them... I've started liking them (All thanks to the radio stations that still keep playing them)! This always happens with me...late realizations... most of the times over songs and some of the times with real people!

Girls, females, women... No one can understand them, not even they themselves!

Sometimes we can take it all in good humor and sometimes something said sarcastically can hurt us immensely! 

I know guys who are like that too... in my head, I refer to them as 'girl-guys'!! I mean SOMETIMES it's OK for a guy to think like a girl, exceptions are allowed but dude.. not invariably!! It's easy to tell a girl-guy from the real guys! I personally know quite a few of them! Now, girl-guys are straight men, interested in women. They also have all the male body parts... the only thing they lack is some peculiar and necessary male thinking habits, which I can't elucidate properly... perhaps you'll need the girl-antennas to figure out what I mean here! And NO, I am not referring to the habit of lusting other women... because be it a guy or a girl-guy... they still own testosterone!! 

Anyway,

Why does being called 'fat' always bothers us? 

Maybe because girls have to be thin (not plump, not pudgy, not healthy... but THIN and LEAN) to be accepted by everyone! I don't know who started it... but now it's like the word 'Fat' sounds like an abuse to a girl, at times! I remember, till I was 17, I used to refer someone as 'fat' only if they were highly overweight or obese but as the years passed and my interactions with people increased, I've learnt that even if you are moderately out of proportion then you are freaking FAT!! 

But you know what... Screw you... Go eat yourself up and stop bothering me... I am fat and I don't fucking have a problem with that!!! 

We don't need anyone's acceptance, except our own! Often when people look at us scornfully, we start doubting ourselves (well, most of the girls do)... why do we do that?! However, sooner or later we do realize...we don't need to give a shit about it!

Right now, I am reminded of this song by Lady Sovereign, I enjoyed listening to few years back, that goes..

"Love me or hate me, is that an obsession

love me or hate me, that is the question

if you love me then thank you

if you hate me then fuck you!!"  

It's a fun song, you know! I really like it! ;)

Also, the movie 'Shallow Hal' is coming to my memory, at the moment... It is a good movie with a nice message... Somewhere I feel, all of us are just as shallow as Hal was before the climax of the movie...

And,

Sometimes, you call up a person, looking for warmth but all you get is a gigantic cold ice-cube! 

Sometimes, why is it necessary to hear the words we already know, from someone else?!

Sometimes, healthy flirting is fun! ;)

You never know!

'Love song' from 50 first dates is one of those evergreen songs that will always be my favorite. I've been listening to the Adele version of it since a week. The wordings are so sweet and lovable that any voice can do nothing but enhance the beauty of the song but I still love the original one from 50 first dates!!


Yesterday, I was just checking out my blog (yes, I check out my own blog, I like to do that!) and I came across a post where I'd written about winter and instead of 'weather', I made use of 'whether'!! I was abashed at my mistake and edited it correct, immediately. Here I am, reckoning writing as my 'thing' and I do this! Even in an unconscious state of mind, I am not supposed to make such an inane erratum!!  As soon as I snapped out of my silly embarrassment, I started reminiscing about this one time when someone (not a friend really) made a similar error and I silently mocked that person, in my head. I shouldn't have ... It was just a silly mistake, a typo. You should never mock at someone's mistake... you never know, you might end up making the same mistake! 
When the person making mistake is not you, you react in a different manner but when it's you, the reactions change! Most of the times, we go easy on ourselves but if someone else does the same glitch, we make a song and dance about it! While sometimes we overly punish ourselves for silly bloopers! We can never treat us and others in the same way! We just can't! If we could, we would all be saints (the real ones of course)!


Also, You should never let a mistake serve as a basis for forming a conclusion about a person. No, in fact, why do you ever have to form a conclusion about any person?! 


And sometimes, you just want to stick those earphones deep inside and play the music as loud as you can so that all the thoughts, you don't want to think about but you still cant stop contemplating, go away!!


'Aisha' movie soundtrack is awesomely cool! 


When the person you've been trying to push out of your life, really goes away... the morbid feeling you get... what is it?? 
Maybe it's missing the shooing away game. Or maybe it's the fear and confoundedness of making a wrong move. Or maybe it's missing that person... Can you ever really know?!


'Miss Independent' is being played on the radio. I was crazy about this song once upon a time! 
"She's got her own thing,
that's why I love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time?
....
Miss independent, 
that's why I love her."  


I am still not doing it right and now, I am really scared! Maybe the fear will help now... I can do anything to make things work at the moment! Sigh... Bad habits... Why the fuck is it so darn difficult to get rid of them?! I mean, wanting and wishing to change them is just worth diddly! You have to friggin push yourself behind your limits!!  


P.S.: Admitting my stupid and ignominious spelling error wasn't all that easy! 

Today...

'Bumpy ride' by Mohombi is one of the best groovy track ever! How I love fast dance numbers!! I can really dance all day if I get a chance!

I love Milkybar and Milk treat. White chocolates are yummy! I remember when I was in school, Milkybar was newly introduced and it used to be wrapped in this hard paper cover, on the back of which, there used to be a tiny Milkybar man comic strip. Each time Milkybar man used to eat the bar, he would kick the villain's ass, bad! I loved Milkybar man!

Today, when I was heading back home via a moderately crowded train, I was tired and wanted to sit but all the seats were pre-occupied with 3 females. I started looking around to spot a seat occupied with thinner women so I could get a decent place to sit. I found one and asked the ladies to shift in and make some space for me but they hardly budged, the place offered to me was not even big enough for a 5 yr old but I was so weary that I somehow managed to sit on that edge. I was very pissed and just as I started thinking, how Mumbaikars don't care about each other and why will a stranger's discomfort ever matter to them unless they themselves are at ease.... the lady sitting on the opposite seat noticed me and she asked the other two females sitting next to her to shift in properly, she made enough room and asked me to sit there! God bless that angelic lady! I mean, you can never conclude on Mumbai.... On one hand there are these narcissist people who don't give a damn whatever happens to you and on the other hand there are these compassionate Mumbaikars who try to do something to get you out of a sticky situation!
There are many such little incidences that happen with you everyday that make you feel good and bad about a particular thing at the same time and of course I cannot list out every such event every day, this one was fresh in mind so I decided to put it here.

I miss writing so much! I'll get back as soon as my exams get over. It's been like more than 7 months now that I'd done any assignment. It made me happy! Even the pressure made me feel good about myself. I really miss that feeling a lot!

'In the end it was you' by Kat Deluna - :o)
'Without you' by David Guetta is also amazing!

Have I ever said how much I love 'Friends' and 'Everybody loves Raymond'?! Ohh yess I have, several times!! And, I can say it a million more times... I just can't get bored of them! EVER!!

90 days to go for the exams..... Ciao!

Only trying...

Times when you get sick of yourself, when you know the reasons behind you not taking the essential and quintessential actions but still those actions are the need of the hour and you know what the consequences will be if you don't do them.

'I don't need nobody telling me just what I wanna
what I what what what I wanna
do about my destiny
I say no, no
Nobody's telling me just what I wanna do, do
I'm so fed up of telling me to be
someone else but me'
That's 'Overprotected' by Britney Spears. I remember I was in SYJC when I first heard this song and fell in love with it instantly. I still love the song. I was a huge Britney Spears fan back then. I still like those old Britney favorites but I don't like her recent albums.

There are some songs after listening to which you feel that they were just made keeping your story in mind. :)

'Nobody's perfect' by Jessie J, has been my ringtone since quite sometime and I am yet not bored of it.

I read an article 'Anger is a product of fear' in Speaking tree today. Strange, I never thought of 'anger' in that manner.

............

There are too many thoughts running around in my mind at the moment. It's actually more of me trying to explain me certain awfully important things. I wish I could just begin with things... I don't know what's happened to me. Or, maybe I know but I still haven't found a way to sort things out. Anyway, I know I will soon get it sorted, no matter how arduous it is! I have to! There has to be a way out. Every locked room has a door. All you need is the right key to it.

And, sometimes an unexpected friend, comprehends your situation lucidly and says those perfect words and gives you the requisite advice... :)
But, in the end, it's you who has to make real use of that advice.

Two amazing quotes I read today...
"Life is a journey and you don't always choose the people with whom you travel that journey" - Gautama Buddha
"Overcome the forces of negative emotions by cultivating the counter forces, like love and compassion" - Dalai Lama

Biding goodbye to the storm...

Reading old journals and blog-posts makes you realize how much you have changed in all these years and months AND how somethings about you can never change... Paradoxical isn't it!

Making a fuss about small and silly events that happen to you... is the worst thing you can do! Take a look around and you'll see, you are leading one of the best life, this universe has ever designed!!

I read an article a few weeks back that said, people feel sad and miserable because they want to feel special. Only by feeling miserable can you be different in your own eyes and in the eyes of the universe. When you are happy you dissolve in the happiness and you become the happiness, you lose your SELF to the happiness and there is no YOU. No wants to lose their SELF & their place in the world. So they opt for being sad and miserable.
I was mesmerized by it. It's like the truest fact ever. I'd decided to share it on this blog the moment I read it.
For everyone, life is imperfect in someway or the other. It's not about always smiling no matter what... it's about how quickly can you regain that genuine smile...
As it is, I am a firm believer in KARMA, what you are getting now is the reaction of your own past actions. And as per Dr Brian Weiss, we select our own life before taking birth on Earth (ooh that rhymed :p).
So, the cribbing, whining and brooding is technically totally invalid!!
BUT, still we are humans, who can never do it all right and we like to cry it out once in a while. So our emotional outbursts have a benefit of doubt...(Although it's good to keep them under check!)

Post my previous blog-post, I am at peace with the fact that it really doesn't matter if "people" have misconceptions about you, even if these people are really important to you. It bothers initially but the moment you realize you cant do anything, you give a darn.

So, here it is, the difference between people that belong to my category and those with a 'care a darn' attitude... 'Care a darn' category already knows from the beginning that you cant change certain things and you don't need to change certain things... while, we try to make things work, we try to think of something to change the things and eventually we discern that we can't change certain things and we don't  need to change certain things. So, in the end, we too care a darn!!
It's just that we are a little slow. Otherwise sooner or later, all of us become a big pool of apathetic minds.

Then, there are songs which everyone in the room knows and they hum the lyrics together... while you are standing there completely unaware of the song, thinking who the hell made this stupid song!

'Good feeling' a nice and light-hearted number.
I don't hear to many Christina Aguilera songs but I love her voice.

It's one of my very good friend's marriage today and I am so happy for her! This is the same friend's marriage which I'd referred in previous posts. Where does time fly? Still feels it was yesterday when the 2 of us were sitting in our boss's cabin (of course after he would leave) and having warm heart-to-heart conversations! Feeling nostalgic! Mr God bless her with a super happy wedlock and make sure she always smiles!

People and their blah!!

'But I do love you' an amazing song by Leanne Rimes. I like the lyrics.

It's strange when people tell you, what they think about how you think. It's strange in the way that sometimes they are absolutely correct and sometimes they guess it terribly wrong.

I don't know if this happens with everyone but in the past few weeks, I've stumbled across many people, who have revealed that how I've been wrong to them. Of course, I only provoked them to let it all out. I do accept every allegation on me and I am sorry for it. Really. Acceptance is good. And it's always good to know your mistakes. Maybe initially you don't accept out of fury or whatever but with time you do realize it.

But, people cant expect you to be the way you were with them at certain time. Because we keep changing everyday, not due to other people or situations but just naturally... You can never expect some one to be the same, they were at some point of time. People change, we change, all of us. And, it's nothing wrong.
People who accept you with the ongoing changes, are very rare. It was not overnight that I myself learnt to accept things and people and changes. In fact, I am still working on it. It takes time and trust on that person. The 'blame-game' is very injurious. Acceptance is good.

Why is it so difficult to 'give a damn'?
Sometimes, it just doesn't matter what others think while sometimes you want others to take you in particular way, you want to give them your perspective and it perturbs you if they don't get you.

People- can't live with them, can't survive without them.

No, I am not judging any person here. Neither am I pointing it out to someone. This is very generic.
Gosh, I hate the fact that I just clarified myself here because this is the space where I should not be thinking of what others would think of me. But you know, now I feel daunted as in what if someone important reads this and thinks that it's for him or her and I really DON'T want to hurt any one!

God, I feel like I am in some kind of 'people-trap'! I wish I could go to some secluded & deserted beach and be there by myself and enjoy my own company. I like being with me. Although "people" have told me, being alone is being sad. But I beg to differ. Being alone is being at peace!

A few quotes that do justice to what I am trying to convey to me and to "people":
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." By Lao Tzu.
T. S. Eliot - "Humankind cannot bear very much reality"
Ellen Glasgow - "Every change is not growth, as all movement is not forward" 

Vagrant thoughts...

And just when you feel like you are acing something, you see someone doing it better than you and you realize that you still have a long way to go.

Then, there are those things that you just cant be vocal about. Lay alone discussing them, just admitting them is itself not possible. Still, some where deep in your heart, you want to say it out.  

When someone says something good about you... Should you feel good about yourself? Or should you feel bad because you really don't think you are that good?

There are times when you land yourself in some sticky situations and you don't know how to figure your way out of it. There are certain things that just can't be reconciled and there are a few that you don't try to reconcile... All of us have got so many multiple personalities subsumed in one body. No one is restricted to a single color, we all have infinite shades of various different colors embedded inside us that keep changing invariably.

Selfishness is one characteristic that describes humans the best! Every goddamn one is selfish, even me... though the levels of it differs from person to person!
Tyra Banks is freaky! I love 'Everybody loves Raymond'.... it makes me smile even in the hour of grief!

And, there are people who have faced a million direful calamities and still they stand strong, with a smile on a their face... they make me feel how pleasant and easier life has been to me! Thank you God for that!

The moments, when you are surrounded by the most fathomable people in your life but you still feel no one understands or will understand and so it's better to say nothing... because sometimes it's only you who can understand you and no one else...

Those scars that are ephemeral and those that last till the end of time... Both prototypes teach you valuable lessons and then it all depends on you, for how long can you clasp these learnings.

Crankiness is never good. Some of them may bear your crankiness but then, be ready to face theirs!! Holding someone else culpable for things, only makes you more culpable. Emitting negativity does not make you lose your negative energy, it just adds to the count even more.

'Yun hi' - lovely and evergreen!
'Jiyien kyun' - sad but good!
Though I don't like listening to sad songs much but once in while, they're just fine!

At the sangeet practice (of my friend whose about to get married next week), one of her youngest brother-in-law, who's in seventh grade, played guitar and sang a few songs for us... Ohh Man, I was totally captivated!!
He played 'when September ends', 'Jiyien kyun' and 'Jo bhi main'...
There is nothing better than witnessing live music in a room filled with just handful of people!! I just loved it... his guitar sounds entered my ears and were running in my veins... the way I felt is inexpressible!! This is what music does... can't imagine my life without it!  

Vagrant = Me

Lastly, still relishing the cold. I am really gonna miss winter! It gives me a feeling of belongingness!

And while I'm trying to beat the terror...

'Poets of the fall' have become a regular on my playlist these days...'locking up the sun', 'everything fades away', 'carnival of rust' and so many more...

"Come feed the rain

Cause I'm thirsty for your love, dancing underneath the skies of lust

Yeah, feed the rain

Cause without your love, my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust"

Ohh I'm in love with them!!

Every person is a phobic. I mean, there is always at least one thing that you are petrified of and that's your phobia. I too have one. Combating your phobia, conquering your biggest fear ain't a cinch! It requires lots of courage and a big bunch of deep-breath's. Sigh... I had conquered my fear once but it flew away. It's always temporary, each time you try to do the thing you are most afraid of, it requires gallantry! People might not take your fears seriously and they would find it stolid and trivial but only you know, how difficult it is... It makes me tremble and quiver, that jittery feeling... is morbid!!   

I know it's stupid but I really like the song 'Baby' by Justin Bieber, though I don't like him much! Lol... I feel like a silly school girl when I listen to this song...!! 

"I'm not in love, it's just a phase that I'm going through, I'm always looking for something new so look, don't go running away....ohhh..." 

I really am in a good mood for music right now and I cant think of anything but music!!

A quote by Aldous Huxley: 'After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music' and I cannot agree more to it!!!

One more quote (specifically apt for me) that I read in some newspaper the other day, 'Just a reminder, what others think of you is none of your business'. I read it and couldn't help but smile... :) :)

"And in the emptiness, there is a solution

just look within yourself for absolution" 

(My favorite line from 'locking up the sun')

The quest

I am locked here

There is nobody near

I need to live, I wish to fly, I want to love

But the monster obstructs me from flying like a dove

In a castle, I am enthroned as a queen

The queen of her own delusions and phantasms

There is no prince who'll come to the rescue

It is only the queen and the demons in the view

This is a quest to hunt a doorway or a window

That will get me out of this deluded world into the real show

Helpless but not hopeless as I trudge

I am certain to pave my way out of this sludge

Soon will the day come when I will be dethroned

The sun will shine and the devils will die

From illusion to verity shall I fly