Wanderlust. Again.

It has began again.
That urge. That craving.
My mind is restless again.
It wants to go away again.
Far away. Alone.
My eyes yearn to see the unseen.
My soul desires to explore more.
I want to travel more.
I want to fly higher and farther.
I want to meet myself again.

Bothered.

Yesterday, I tore a page from my notepad and wrote some very personal things on it with the intention of taking it home and sticking it in my personal diary.
I made the silliest mistake of forgetting that piece of paper in my office and a colleague read it.
I feel naked.
These were the thoughts that I never wanted anyone to know and now a stranger is in knowledge of it. I feel awful. My innermost feelings are known to a person whose existence barely matters to me.
I should have been careful.
Sigh...
We are so scared of showing our true self, of having no secret thoughts, of everyone knowing what we are really feeling. Maybe it is the judgements that we are scared of. More than the opinions of others, we are unable to deal with the opinions we have for ourselves.
Can we ever be free from these opinions?

And...
Times when you feel you are losing connection with the ones who mean a lot to you. And when they don't really bother to make you feel wanted and loved. Because they are unaware of your foolish thoughts.
When you are so full of insecurities that it makes you feel abandoned. It is not true and you know it, but you still want them come shower you with love and show that you are important.
This never happens though. Eventually, you move on from this feeling. No one comes to your rescue.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?

PS: If nothing, you always have music. :)

Dear Music,

My love for you precedes everything else in the world. 

Love,

Resh. :* 

PS: This is the most truthful e-letter of my life. Hope you read it. 

Peekaboo

After a lot of struggle we make peace with our past. It does not play with our head anymore. Yet, every once in a while it comes back to haunt us. Should we be surprised that it still bothers us? 

I don't think so. 

We cannot eliminate the bad experiences and the agony from our memory. It stays. We can only ignore it. 

And rightly so. If we forget the bad experiences, we will also forget what we learned from them. The whole point of us going through them and taking a lesson falls flat then. 

Nothing comes easy. Especially not the strength to overcome your demons. Everything is a gradual process.

I wish...

Why do we wish so much?

It started with a pair of shoes

When you make a hasty decision that demands some compromises and adjustments and you readily do it with the belief that things will get better with time. Think twice. Things may get worse instead. You may have to make some more compromises, some more adjustments. Until finally you get accustomed to the pain, the hurt, the discomfort, the suffocation.

A couple of weeks ago, I purchased a new pair of shoes for the monsoon. They looked good, suited my purpose but were out of my budget. They were a little tight but I still bought them thinking they will loosen up as I wear them. I was wrong. The more I wore them, the worse it would hurt. The skin on my feet has been peeled off, I have a pus on my little toe and both my big toes are numb, I cannot feel them at all. Also, my feet look hideous.
There is no improvement, the shoes still hurt as hell. I just got used to it. Yet it feels like a prison I want to break free from. But I love them. I have my hard earned money invested in them. How can I let them go? Maybe after a couple of weeks more, they will fit me well and give me the comfort I deserve.

The comparison may sound foolish to you. But aren't relationships also like that. Not all of them. But the ones that don't work out eventually. Of course you get to know only in the end. You try to hold onto them for as long as you can until you finally cannot take it anymore. You free yourself from those painful shackles.

Why do we always have to wait till we know? Why can't we know beforehand?
Because how will we learn otherwise?
Earth is our school. People are chapters that teach us some lessons. Mr. God or the supreme power that is superior than us all or the universe, whatever you would like to call it, tests us if we have learned our lessons well. Depending on the results we know if we are promoted or demoted.
Yes, I believe in reincarnation. Why? Because I would like to. Because if I don't believe in the eternal existence of my soul, I would not want to improve. It wouldn't matter if I am a saint or a sinner or neither. I will cease to exist eventually. So why bother? I would kill, hurt and steal. There won't be any karma coming after me.
Questioning my existence will bring an incurable unrest. And I cannot accept that. You can call it denial. But that will be your opinion. Everything has a purpose. This life of mine has a purpose. The existence of my soul has many.

Don't answer!

How do you know you really feel what you think you feel?
How do you know if this is how you should be feeling?
How do you know you are not making a mistake?
What if you are making a mistake?
How fast is too fast?
Who tells you?
How do you know?
Is there a pattern in relationships? If yes, why? If no, why not?
Why do we want to know what the future holds?
Why can't we forget the past?
Why can't we trust?
Why do we need to make decisions?
Why is decision making an arduous task?
Why?
Why does right feel wrong?
Why does wrong seem right?
Why do we have to choose one?
Why can't we live without inhibitions?
Why do we overthink?
Why do we think at all?
Why do we care?
Why can't we live in the present only?
Why can't we be happy when we are meant to be happy?
Why are we afraid to lose that happiness?
Why the greed?
Why do we act immature?
Why the foolishness?
Why so many questions?

Aarrgghh!

It all seems so unreal. Sometimes it feels as though I am dreaming. Sometimes I feels like I am a part of a movie. It feels like everything other than reality. 

Happy or sad is not the question. The actuality of it is. Not that I am questioning my faith in destiny or Mr. God. It is just too good to be true. Or may be it seems so. 

The Big Bang

Yesterday when I was writing my journal. I realized a few of my Himalayan memories have faded away already. I don't remember every moment. I have forgotten the chronological order of the events that took place there.

I wish I could lock all those memories in a box, even the tiniest one, and reopen the box whenever I feel like going back. I wish all my memories could remain as fresh as a daisy, all my life. 

All memories? Would I really want that? 

Because there are painful memories as well and I don't think I would like to remember them. 

Good. Bad.

Happy. Sad.

Pros. Cons.

Black. White.

Odd. Even.

All things come in a pair. They are opposite but inseparable. Without one the other would lose its meaning. One is the reason for the other's existence. The universe seems clearly fathomable at one moment and utterly incomprehensible in the next moment.

Today's Favorite:

Bang Bang my baby shot me down - Nancy Sinatra

The Sixteenth

A month ago, on this day, I embarked on the most unexpected journey in my life. A journey that changed my life. A journey of an epic beginning.

Dear Mr. God,

I love you more than ever now. The happiness that my heart contains is of such magnitude that I am afraid to lose even an ounce of it. It feels like magic. You have surprised me, delighted me, blessed me. You have showered me with such love that  it goes beyond my imagination. I will be thankful to you till my last breath.

..........

I am at the Beas. The cold winds are making my lungs quiver. My clothes are not doing a good job at keeping me warm. I am loving the cold. My teeth clatter and my body shivers. I am standing on the rocks submerged in the river that is flowing effortlessly. The icy water is piercing each cell in my legs. My legs go numb after a while. I cannot feel them. I cannot feel the cold. I am smiling as wide as I can. A tear rolls down my cheek. I feel lighter. I am one with the river. I see pine trees around and the gargantuan mountains with a scoop of snow carelessly dropped on them. The river is feeling me, healing me. I feel empty. I feel full. I feel me. I am happiness. I am love. I am the river and she is me. We are one.

My heart yearns for her.

I wish...
Why do we wish so much?