Insecurities. I don't like them. Therefore I turn my back as I see them racing towards me.
The only way one could get rid of them is by conceding them in front of the person concerned. Or maybe to a confidante.
If you don't blurt it out, it keeps swelling until it becomes a monstrous blob of negativity. 

Dependent Independence?

You live your life as per your whims and fancies.
Design your decisions by yourself.
You create your own happiness.
You compose melancholy for yourself.
You dance. You laugh.
You travel. You eat.
You drink. You smoke.
You rant. You cry.

And one fine day someone steps in your life.
Quietly. Without your knowledge. Yet with your permission.

Now there is an opinion you want to take while making your decisions.
You are no more the only person responsible for your happiness and sadness.
You are dependent now. Or maybe your independence is dependent.
Because you still dance, laugh, travel, eat, drink, smoke, rant, cry.
But with that someone.
You are not alone now.

Does complete liberty come with aloneness?
Can you continue being a freewheeling soul while being attached to another soul?
Should this connection be looked upon as enslavement even minutely?

Maybe... Maybe that someone will liberate you further.
Maybe they would just stand beside you, making sure that you don't fall as you balance on a water pipe below the terrace railing, gazing at the deep view of the world and trying to conquer your fear of heights.

So maybe you are not really depended on that someone, but on your own perception.

And then you never know, you might fall in love with that dependent independence despite its odds.

Wishes of the day

Today I wish to create something marvelous.

It could be a piece of writing. A doodle. Something edible. Something Audible.
It could be a picture. A painting. A word.
It could be something significant.Or trivial.
It could be the zeal to be efficient.
It could be a new hairstyle.
It could be anything. It could be nothing.

And I wish to go back.

To Himachal. To Manali. To Kasol.
To the rivers. The mountains. The trees. The blue sky. The snow. The stars. The winds.
My heart yearns to go back.
I feel sad.
I miss them all.

Today when I close my eyes, I see myself in the woods aside the Parvati River in Kasol.
 


 

The voice?

The voice that comes from within. The one that has a faint texture. And speaks your instinct and intuition. The voice that is you, your soul. 

How do you know if it is that voice helping you to make a decision or it is the opinions of others or the demand of the situation? Or is it just the random flow of occurrences that has forced you to take a step without calculating anything?

How do you know?

Maybe you never know...

It will be whatever you choose to believe. 

This year has been a joyful and exhilarating ride so far. A season of newness. A chapter with too many twists and turns. 

Today's Playlist:

Phir Le Aya - Arijit Singh

Phir Se Ud Chala - Mohit Chauhan

Peekaboo - Coke Studio

Pataka Guddi - Jyoti and Sultana Nooran

Pardesi - Amit Trivedi

When the newness of something starts wearing off, you become more comfortable with it. Not that the comfort wasn't existing earlier, but it increases as you get more familiar. 

Today's favorites:

Khuda Hafiz - Yuva

Jiya Lage Na - Coke Studio

Just give me a reason - Pink

Mast Magan - 2 states

Hey, Soul Sister - Train

Drive by - Train

Too much procrastination can destroy your career. So work! Now! 

Time. Where does it go? And how? 

A lost moment

I see green pastures. I see colorful tents. 

It is so cold I am trembling.

I can feel the pellets of ice falling from the sky on my hand.

It seems like a dream. 

So it can really happen, I tell myself. 

Hail stones.

Every cell in my body, every artery in my heart feels elated and tranquil.

The smile is adamant, it won't leave.

................

Today when I closed my eyes while commuting to work, 

I found this moment that was hidden somewhere deep in my memory.

And within seconds I was transported back to Padri.

To that chilling moment, that beautiful moment, my moment.

Time will tell.

Decisions. I still don't like them. 

How do you decide that you will be doing something for the rest of your life? It feels like prison. Despite the fact that I have picked a prison of my own choice, it still is a prison. I don't want it. I don't want to be imprisoned. I am not meant for those shackles. Those chains, they don't belong to me. 

I feel suffocated. I want to fly away. To a place far far away. Just by myself.

As an afterthought, it occurred to me that maybe what I reckon to be a decision, is not a decision after all. Perhaps it is an occurrence that was destined to transpire. And maybe what I perceive to be as chains that will pull me back or limit me, are wings that will help me fly higher. 

Maybe...

I cannot know now...

Time will tell. 

I think I will choose to believe in the latter. There, I made yet another decision. 

I wish...

Why do we wish so much! 

Sick.

Emotions. They never fail to amaze you despite their predictability.

Today's Favorites:
O re piya / Rolling in the deep - Shankar Tucker Ft. Rohan
Emotional Attyachar (Rock Version)
Hey Now - London Grammar
Awari - Soch the band
Kai Po Che movie soundtrack 

How to function without music is something I don't ever wish to learn.

When you are not feeling well physically, you tend to feel sick mentally as well.

Listening to MTV unplugged - Arijit Singh

When someone surpasses your expectation. When their love and support goes beyond what you had anticipated. You are left speechless.
At one moment you feel overwhelmed, happy. At another, you feel they are just too good. So good that it makes you feel like a bad person, that it makes you hate yourself more.
The feeling that you don't deserve people like them in your life starts tormenting you.