Viscous Virtual Circle

There is too much of everything. 

Too many movies and shows on Netflix.
Too many DIY tips & quotes on Pinterest.
Too many simple hacks on Facebook.
Too many food & dance videos on YouTube.
Too much art on Instagram.
Too many opinions on Twitter.
Too many diet plans on Fitness Pal
Too many answers on Google. 
Too many part-time businesses on Etsy.
Too much 'news' on Whatsapp.

I am not sure if I need so much. So many ideas, so many solutions, so quickly. Whatever happened to searching for answers and the joy of finding them?   

The world has become a weird place. 

Nothing I do is special anymore. Nothing I create is original, and if it is, it won't remain original 5 seconds after I 'share' it with the 'world'. 

I used to do it excitedly until a couple of years ago, not because I wanted to flaunt my skills but to reach out to the right audience and the right opportunities. Sometimes it has worked. And most other times, I just felt happy looking at some positive comments / likes. 

I don't feel like doing it anymore. I don't feel like being a part of this circus anymore! 
I still do post. Sometimes with the fear of losing what little I have managed to build after years of struggle with my writing & art (which still continues). And hardly ever out of a need to express.

What is it with people? Is your life empty? Why do you want to share all your feelings and experiences with others? Why do you want to express your opinions all the time? Is it because no one is actually looking, it's virtual and you can't see faces so it is easier to boast or to say your piece or to share your sadness or express joy? 

How many times when you meet people in a group do you actually try to let them know how you feel? Wait... may be this is what it is? You want to let someone know how you truly feel, you want someone to get it. 

But isn't it better to cultivate actual, real relationships in your life where a handful of real people will actually understand you, your thoughts, your intentions?
I mean I understand it takes more effort than just typing a post and hitting share. But the pay-off is wonderful. 

This virtual audience, I believe, doesn't give a fuck. A few comments, a few likes, a few follows, a few views, they won't fill up the vacuum.

Sigh... The world has become a weird place. There is too much of everything. 

Some relationships are toxic and cannot be helped. It is not easy to remove them completely from your life but it is possible to avoid indulging in them.  

Turning 31

Early this week I was in the mood to watch a chick-flick and I chose ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’. The movie opens with Bridget stating she is 32 years old and the rest follows. Have you noticed, in most western ‘coming-of-age’, romcom, etc. movies, the female protagonists are in their 30s? Okay remember, what is Carrie Bradshaw’s age in Sex and the City’s first episode? Another point to be noted in such shows and movies, is people in 20s are shown as too young and immature.

On the contrary, in Indian cinema, in 1990s and before, the female lead would be in her teens! And nowadays, they have graduated to be in their early 20s. 

Now, I am not trying to belittle any culture here as I understand every society has had a history and is the way it is for a reason, which is a very different and wide topic and can be discussed at another time. 

What I am trying to say is, we are a society that endorses (and ensures) childhood meets a premature death and old age blooms early. And, as feminist as it sounds, it is true that this is more so for the girls!

• Get married in early 20’s
• Have babies by mid-20s
• Make your life all about your family in your 30s
• Become a purpose-less, hopeless old hag in your 40s
• Make religion/God your priority in your 50s
• Wait for your death in and after 60s

Now, I am not saying that women are asked to follow the above timeline. I mean we are raised in a way that this seeps into our subconscious so discreetly, we don’t realize it until we are in the later phase of this pre-designed life. Perhaps this is changing for some and may be not for some.

Last year after I turned 30, I went through this gloomy phase for a few weeks. I have always followed my heart and rebelled my way through life so far and I was feeling like the best part of my life has just ended and that it will only go downhill further on! All this until I had the revelation (as above) about why do I really feel the way I do.

Scientifically, yes, the body gets older and gradually weaker as we grow. But how we feel or should feel does not depend on it, at least, not entirely. Moreover, ‘the best part of life’ is something we usually don't realise when living it. We will only see it that way, once it has passed or when it is about to come. 

Yesterday, I turned 31. There are many changes in the way I see and perceive things now. May be I don’t get enthusiastic too often as I have met many a new experience already. May be I am not as interested in everything that comes along my way. May be I am not always open to new friendships. May be it all sounds a little less adventurous. May be this what 'older and wiser' looks like. But, the inner curious child in me is still very much alive. And, I believe life has only just begun and that the quest to ‘I don’t know what’ continues in all its glory. 

PS: These are strictly my observations and not a judgement on any particular persons. If they seem condescending, perhaps you should question yourself.  

Song paying in my head - Dance Monkey by Tones and I

From House to Home

23 Aug 2020

We are moving! I am so excited for the new house. To live here, to make new memories with him here. I really wish that this house is comfortable and does not have any major problems so we can stay here for longer than a year or two. Because one year seems so less to soak in all the good things it has in store for us. 

This is a new experience for me, this settling into a house that I and he chose together. Bringing all of our belongings here. Arranging & allocating them to specific shelves, drawers, cupboards. 

It feels amazing. This is like the good part of being independent.

Yes, being independent does have a not-so-greatly-enjoyable side too! Like paying bills / cooking and cleaning / planning & saving for early retirement because god knows I cannot be spending most of years of my life earning money (read as evil)! 

Let me not digress... I was talking about the good part... I am excited!

23 Oct 2020

The house is still pretty great! The excitement is gone, but the appreciation has stayed. Just like a happy long-term relationship or marriage. It's comfortable, it's roomy enough, it lets me be, it's home now. :)

Workplace Stress is Real

Lately I have been reading about depression due to work-stress and I am over-whelmed to see the volume of people on various forums and platforms expressing their suffering.

Sigh...

My personal life is great, I am happy and content with it but it's this other life that occupies most part of my active daily hours that is... causing damage.

I realise, for most us, it is not the work or the nature of it. It is the people we are working for and with. The bosses and colleagues who lack empathy and compassion. I wonder if they realise how they affect a person's life, how they turn an otherwise happy person into a miserable and hopeless being. Will they ever, for a moment, realise this? I don't think so...
And even if they do think someday, ohh... I shouldn't have said that or done that... it will be too late.

Late realisations rarely make a difference. 'Better late than never' is not always a good excuse to pardon yourself from your mistakes.

How to get out of this trap?
I need money to survive. I need a roof to live. I need food to eat. So, I need a job to pay me.
Even if I need less, I still need a little for every day. I cannot escape. I need to put up with the insensitivity of people. I need to toughen up. I need to go to work and do whatever it takes.

Sigh...

Things that help on certain lucky days:
- Being unproductive at work for 5-20 mins in a day in office. Because your productivity is never rewarded, just give your tired mind a break. For a little bit don't care for real.
- Call a friend after work and rant about your woes and the unfair things you put up with daily.
- Have a good dinner.
- Listen to music that elevates your spirits.
- Lose yourself in the warm arms of your beloved and just be there in that moment feeling fortunate to have true love in your life.
- Spend some time pursuing your hobby, even if for 15 mins... draw, paint, play music, go for a run, anything.

Well.. there still will be days when none of this would make you feel good, on such days, just breathe and let the time go by.

Sigh...

Moral of the story: Yes, money is evil. But people are the bigger evil. Compassion can really make a huge difference in the world. So be kind. And sometimes be blind... to those who aren't. 

Foolish

Around 8 years ago, I found out that it’s okay to be selfish. To live for yourself. I discovered that it is okay to choose your own dream instead of someone else’s and work towards fulfilling it. It is okay to care a little less about fitting in.
And so... I began following my heart. My foolish heart that believed I could be special... different... extraordinary!
Only to grow up and realise 8 years later that in a world of roughly 7.5 billion people, there cannot be a “different” or “special” you. I mean think about it... there are so many extraordinaries that this word is technically obsolete. Extraordinary is now an ordinary phenomenon.
Okay so I rose up and became a rebel. I revolted to do things my own way. I fought... to choose my own race. But here it is... a race after all!

Can I please stop running?

If not... then can someone please return me the foolishness of my heart... that believed I could be special. Not to the world but in my own eyes...

I wish... Why do we wish so much!

Music playing (in my head)... Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

Unsung Heroes

I am 30. I cannot believe that it was NINE years ago that I made an account on Blogspot and wrote my first personal blog.

When I began, I remember being afraid to publish a post every time I wrote one. As if every person  on the face of this earth had subscribed to my blog and they would read my mind as soon as I published my thoughts here. Afraid that they would know how I think and judge me. I hated it... being judged. So much that I didn’t realise I was judging people to be judgemental until one day a friend in drunken state (both of us were intoxicated), tired of all my drama, said it to me.

They have stayed with me, her words. I don’t know if she knows it because we have never re-visited that conversation. What she said did not have an immediate impact on me, I didn’t change overnight. It was later, on some other occasion when I was engaged in my thoughts, miffed at a certain person and was having an argument with myself. A part of me was playing the devil’s advocate and then it uttered those words, which my friend, perhaps years ago, had expressed in frustration. Ever since then I use her statement to control my mind when it’s playing the victim card.

It makes me wonder, isn’t every person who loves you, knows you, cares about you... your guru or a god or a messenger of the Universe? They, unintentionally more often than not, help you become a better version of yourself. But how often do we reflect and allow ourselves to realise it?
I think if we did, we would put all the ‘babas’ and ‘gurus’ out of business.

It’s funny how in a world full of idols living and breathing around us, we are searching for them in the wrong places... in famous personalities. I think one should question oneself, what is it that I really want to worship?

Anyway...
Bloggie Doggie... thank you for being such a significant part of my journey all these years. Together we have grown and I hope that we will continue to explore my thoughts and help me know myself better.

Ask.

Sometimes the voices in your head speak in such a haphazard fashion that it doesn't make sense to call them thoughts. These broken words make you anxious, they evoke different emotions, strong emotions, so many of them that they confuse you. You don't know if you are happy or sad or excited or bored or content or nihilistic. It's a chaotic mess, yet you can hear the sound of silence.

You want to do something, may be something you love doing, may be something that calms you down, may be something new and adventurous, just something... However, your inert body refuses to obey. But the body cannot think or feel by itself, right? It is a mere employee of your mind.

So basically, your mind knows of ways to cheer you up while also being responsible for the reason behind you being this despondent. It is a fight between you and you.

And, while this debate is taking place, there is another you who is the spectator constantly making judgement about both contenders as if the onus of choosing the winner lies on it.
'It'... You are an 'it'. But you can only be a 'he or she'?
Really? Do you think so? How does it matter if we are just souls and not creatures defined by any species or sex?

So should you blame it on Monotony? All of these "broken words" in your mind? These pangs of contradictory emotions?
What is monotony though? A routine? One that you have created yourself for yourself? A routine that once was a dream you wished to fulfill with all your heart. Every cell in your body swore to work towards making it your reality. And so you did. It is your reality now. Your routine. A monotony meticulously tailored by you.

What happened? Why is not as beautiful now that it is yours? Is that the problem that it is yours? But... Doesn't beauty lie in the eye of the beholder?
So shouldn't you be taking it as a challenge to find beauty in the thing that you once wanted more than anything in this world, something that is yours now, that you call your routine?
Shouldn't it be categorized as a good and happy thing rather than unexciting and undesirable?

Questions... it's funny how they can sometimes tame these unruly voices. ;)

I Should Because I Can.

Each ray emanated from the sun is a ray of hope.
Every 7 am comes with an opportunity to become a better version of yourself.

No one said following your heart will be the easiest thing to do.
But I can say, it is certainly the most satisfying feeling in the world.

To follow your heart, however, is not in your hands alone.
There are a hundred other things that need to function at the right pace so you can follow your heart.
Therefore, to be following your heart in itself is a stroke of luck.
Have you realised that before?
To do what you wish to, to work on your dreams, all of this is already a privilege.

Ask a child in Iraq who has lost his family and doesn't know if he will survive another day.
Ask a quadriplegic who was once an adventure enthusiast.
Ask a musician suffering from Alzheimer's who has forgotten how to make music, and worse, how to live.

Stop wishing for luck. You already are one of the most fortunate humans.
Go ahead, work on your dreams.
Whether they come true or not, at least you will have lived them.